Thursday, May 5, 2011

"This aint no thinking thing, right brain left brain, it goes a little deeper then that...."

   So thinking on things in the past, i have come to realize that there is a new beginning going to start here. Medically my past is full of lots of illnesses, but im hoping this will be a new chance for Master and myself. Hopefully this is the beginning of the new and improved me. I have made vows before to make things better for myself, but i think this is really the beginning of something special for me. Honestly i know Master will help me with whatever i ask of Him to do.
   Looking at my eating habits, i have realized they arent exactly the healthiest in the world. Add onto that my low exercise, or really no exercise routine right now, then you get a bad lifestyle. Master says it often enough to me that i am not fat at all and i know im not fat, but i also know that i have gained weight recently from all the medicines that i have been on. He thinks im beautiful, but i dont think im as beautiful as He sees me. This is honestly the heaviest that i have ever been. I know that scales can be a little off when you go to the doctor's office because of the difference in what you're wearing and a whole lot of other factors. Either way to me i dont like being at this weight.
   Weight hasnt usually been an issue for me, but when i fit into the smaller sizes i felt good because i was skinny, but still at a healthy weight. Coming home after basic and tech and having people remark on how much weight you lost made me feel good. I liked that i looked skinny but was still at a healthy weight. I wasnt completely over weight nor was i underweight. I was at a good 135 which for my health is right about in the middle of the weight ranges for me from 120 to 160. My goal is to get back down to between 130 and 135 because it seems to be a good weight for me and im still healthy. This will take a lot of diligence for me, but i think if i play into my new craving for sweet potatoes and salad i can do it. Besides that if i really asked Master to do it with me, i think He would. I think i may try to start up the p90x even if it means just doing the core workouts and the ab workout to save injuring my knee worse then it is, especially since that's the only pt that im going to be getting for a good little while.
     So also with the new me there are going to be blogs every night. Master brought up a good point the other night when me and Him talked that i was bottling everything in. There are times where i may not know what's bothering me, but it seems that i was disassociating myself from things or in the beginning stages of disassociating myself from the things around me. It scares me because this is part of PTSD and it means that the things in my life are starting to get to me and i wouldnt even know it. So much like Master suggested, even if it isnt about something lifestyle related i will be blogging. It may just be a list of what's bothering me the most at the moment or whatever, but there will be a blog EVERY night no matter how tired i may be.
   The other thing im looking at is reviewing the things that i like. This doesnt mean that im changing any of the likes that i have for the lifestyle, but i think since we have had to put it on hold because of my health concerns. As things slowly wind back down and i may or may not have a diagnosis this coming week, i find that there is a need for relooking at everything in my life and find out if there is more i want or less or keep it the same. Honestly, i highly doubt i will want this because despite being sick i find myself craving the lifestyle. I have found that i cant live without it and have asked Master a few times as to why nothing was going on and asked Him to get more into the lifestyle because i felt lost. When im not in it, it is like im missing a whole part of myself and im just not whole. It has been a little bit over a year since i have become exclusively involved in the lifestyle and i find that i need another look at what i like and dont like. There are a lot of things that i think have changed since i have been with Master. Not only that there are some other things that i wish to be more a part of our lives if possible. Hopefully Master likes this idea, but it will take some time to think on it and it may be a new post for sure.
   Other then the things posted above, that is all the new news for now. Now im off to find out what exactly my interests are in the lifestyle and find out what exactly has changed and what has stayed the same. Who knows there may be quite a few more revelations with this self-reflection then i ever thought. I can only hope that it brings out the even better side of me then what i have seen now.

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