Friday, September 2, 2011

What a relief...or is it?

   So today is the first day that Master and i have been back in our house since we went on vacation last Sunday. To be honest, it is an amazing feeling to be able to sleep in our bed again i think is the most amazing part of it all. Dont get me wrong, the vacation was amazing but sometimes you just need to fall asleep in your own bed. Not to mention, i have to be honest...i missed our baby---our doggie Abby. She is so cute and i missed her little crack dog moments.
    Master spoiled me rotten on the trip and i loved every minute of it. There were times where He almost threatened punishment on me, but it was because i was being my usual self and worrying about something that He said was completely fine. We went and toured around Disney and Busch Gardens. Growing up, i always was interested in rollar coasters, but there was one at Busch Gardens that completely wiped me out for the rest of the day. My need for rollar coasters was no longer there after that one. I rode one that took you to the top and then hung there for about 2-3 seconds before dropping you almost directly down. It was crazy, but it felt amazing and it didnt make me sick at all. Then i got on another rollar coaster that flipped you upside down and twisted and turned one direction then another one right after the other. With them being so close together, it messed up my equilibrium which is even more messed up already with me being sick. But all in all i had fun and got to explore Disney with Master and the two of us got to spend time with His brother that is a little bit too far to visit with as often as we'd like.
    So enough about the vacation, i kind of need to start talking about my reason for blogging today. Partially, i think it is because i feel like something is missing in myself lately. Even my dreams have been chaotic and if i paid attention to them, it means something needs to change. The other night i had a horrible dream that one of Master's friends was into the lifestyle or knew about it and caught me in the shower with someone else. Now Master knows that i would NEVER EVER be with anyone else other then Hiim, but the really weird thing was that His friend knew about us and how we were. It's crazy, but i feel that i dont have anybody extremely close to me to talk to about the lifestyle and when i go to talk to the counselor about everything going on with my health and my parents, it's hard because she is missing out on a part of me that is way greater involved then what she sees. It just makes me feel weird because i cant talk about everything that is going on partially because the military frowns on anything in the bdsm lifestyle and because it's just not an everyday topic to be discussed even if my therapist has a confidentiality agreement.
    I guess with what i said above, i kind of feel that my sense of self is slipping away bit by bit. Master is trying to do what He can, but He's also trying to be cautious and not make any of my symptoms flare up worse then what they already are. Call me crazy, but a lot of times the brief times that we have a moment it makes me forget everything that is going on and realize just how much i love being in the lifestyle with Master. As much as i know He is trying to do what's best for me and my health, a part of me wonders if more could be done. I mean should i ask Master to start getting more strict or what do i do? There's not exactly a protocol to follow when talking to your Master about how you feel things arent the way they used to be. To me it's scary and im not even sure how to even begin to approach it. Talking is usually the best thing, but how do you begin to start a conversation like this?? Who knows, but i guess i need to try.
   Today i have been thinking about how things were before i got sick and how they are now. Sometimes i feel like i get away with more, but then again i never know because im not in Master's head. He knows what He will let me get away with and what He wont let me get away with. As odd as it sounds though, i find myself getting out of my routine and doing more things that i want to do and not doing things that i was supposed to be doing when W/we set up the rules. The no underware when i wear or skirt or when im with Him has gone out the window and im not sure why. Maybe its because i made the decision that i didnt want to wear them anymore or i dont know. Maybe its time for a rules revamp to work with our new living situation...especially since they were put together when me and Him were still living miles apart.
    Is it bad for me to want or need something everyday from Him just to remind me of where i stand, whether its a powerful kiss that leaves me weak in the knees or a spanking to remind me that He can do whatever He wants to me when. It would kind of go with last night. Vaguely my mind remembers Him rubbing up against me, hard as a rock and all i could care about was going to sleep. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if He just took me and used me in the middle of the night because He was turned on?? Honestly, i kind of want to experience because it lets me know everytime that He does the little things like that just how much He loves me. Its kind of like a new song out says "remind me, all those things that you used to do that made me fall in love with you, remind me". Who knows....all i know is that there's so much left that i want to experience in the lifestyle and maybe im getting impatient. I dont know, but i do know that i owe Master for His birthday because i was on my time of the month and i think He had something in mind with me wearing one thing---possibly a pair of handcuffs and He gets to tease me and pleasure me as He wishes. A part of me hopes that it will be a LONG session with lots going on. It's weird that i find myself wishing for that....but i feel like im missing a part of what we used to do when we first got together. Master would tease me for hours on end and i believe He came more then once with all that we did. Who knows, but i do believe Master and i have a good talk ahead of us about what can be done to fix my feeling or He may already know and have plans to fix it and just surprise me when i least expect it. All i know is i want to kill this feeling before my rebelliousness breaks out more and more(my saying no to Him when He says He's going to play with something or just saying no to something that He says He will do period)...wish me luck because i honestly think it may be time for me to learn a few more lessons whatever they may be.

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