Lately i have been feeling like the lines from Miranda Lambert's song below. My head and body have been so confused and i dont know what to make of anything anymore. All i know is i definitely need a better support system than what i have. I need a support system that isnt one sided(my Master's family). I need to have my own support system that will be there for me when i need it and not tell me lies or call into question my emotions.
"You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this ol world and forgot who i am
I thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokeness in me might start healing,
Out here its like im someone else, i thought that maybe i could find myself
If i could walk around i swear ill leave with nothing but a memory from the house that built me...."
So these past few days i have realized that i feel somewhat lost with who i am. Reaching out to Master in the last post was comforting because it helped me realize part of the problem. Part of the problem was that i felt this sickness was taking over who i am. After realzing this, i felt the past few days that i dont know who i am anymore. Its a weird description because i do know who i am, but its like i go back to work and im reminded of what im not.
Today i was working as an extra for a disaster preparedness event that was small scale. It said that they needed volunteers to serve as a moulage victim for the event. The weird thing was i was feeling even more left out then before because everyone else could carry their gear and was able to wear chem gear and things of that nature. To me, i felt broken because i wasnt able to do things like everyone else. It made me feel like the odd person out, kind of like "one thing is not like the other" type deal. Master always tells me that i can do what im able to do and that i shouldnt worry about what other people think, but to me thats just not who i am. I do care about people think and it does matter that im the oddball out.
For some odd reason, ive always been about having friends around and it makes this feeling going away, but seeing as i dont really have many friends around it makes it hard to get used to this new place. Master has friends that live close enough they could drive an hour and come to see Him, but i dont have that luxury. I think this is where i identify with the line in Miranda's song that talks about "you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can". To me, im struggling and not doing the best that i can. Master and i are living an amazing life, but i feel theres more support from His side and i need to make friends of my own too. Its just awkward when He's talking with His friends because im that awkward third wheel.
Is it normal to go through phases where you feel that you have no friends around you? I have tried looking for friends around me that are into the lifestyle, but the only person ive spoken with that i could meet with is one person. To me, i need a couple friends that i can spend time with that know how things are and are close. Either that or someone to text and talk to about things going on and how crazy my day has been that understands. My job isnt one that i can talk about to just anyone. I have to trust whoever i become friends with way better than anyone else, because if something happens they turn on me, it could cost me my job or even worse things. But back to my rant, i really want some friends that i can just go unwind with and be a normal person but also have the lifestyle aspect understood as well. No normal person is going to understand how i have to check in with Master when i get to places or how if He says no, it means no i cant do it and not give me crap about how im whipped and im the one making the money so i should have the say type thing.
I guess part of this post is an effort to reach out to those who read my blog, even those who have just started. Im looking for friends to email and keep in touch with outside of the blogworld because i feel like i dont have anyone here with me other than Master and 1-2 close friends. Feel free to shoot me and email at hislilone23@gmail because i'd love to chat with other people and know that im not alone. (Please no creepy stalker type emails though)
Seeing that a big part of my emotional rollar coaster has to do with friends and family, i am making a resolution that things are going to change. I will reach out to make friends and get out of my comfort level to attempt a connection. The family i may not be able to change, but it is time that i stop trying to fix everything with them and let them be the ones to put their hand forward to try and mend things because im done being the person in the middle. It is time that i make that part of her song above true. Im going to move on and do the best that i can when it comes to making friends and just being the best person that i can regardless of the fact that im told that im broken because i know im not broken, just sick with who knows what yet.