Thursday, November 10, 2011

Master please help me....Warning raw emotions ahead

****Before You read this please know i love You and hope to always make You proud. There is a feeling in me that i need to ask You for help. After You read what follows i hope You will see im ready to start trying to get back to U/us. The couple whoe explored every intimate detail of eacch other every night regardless of how tired we were. I miss that connection...baby remind me please. Lastly i hope You wont be upset with me after You read how i feel. I only hope it doesnt add to what You need to tell me. ******
The disappointment is eating at me and i feel like things arre spiraling out of my reach. There are things i feel im limiting myself on because im afraid of the unknown. Im afraid to hurt more than i do now, but also afraid of the loss and what could happen.
It seems since ive been sick that ive let it consume me. My thoughts make me feel like ive lost every part of me. Its been hidden by the headaches, side pains, and dizziness. You tell me how You have caught glimpses of the old me. Somewhere inside of me i feel my old self clawing to get out. How do i claw away the bricks that have been put up by the sickness? How do i get back to being me? Most importantly how do i get back to being Your lil one?
As much as i moan and whine, i really need there to be an U/us again. Its not that there isnt, but i feel when it comes to the lifestyle there isnt a Master and His lil one but more just me and You. Our life has been put on hold due to whatever is going on with my body. Its caused You to want to treat me a little more delicate and that is my struggle. Ive never been a person to be treated like fine china, but i feel thats what it has become.
Its not You at all. You have done nothing but keep my best interest at heart. You want to keep me from aggravating my conditions and making it worse, while also still wanting to maintain control over Your lil one. My heart is in it to be Yours, but somehow my body betrays me. I say no when i really mean yes. My mind craves the lifestyle and my body desperately needs the lifestyle. Its the only thing that has remained steady in my lifee(other than You of course). Your power and dominance calm me and often give me a peace that everything else cant give me. Your correcting me when i need it is soothing because i know You will aalways be there and that even if im sick im still held accountable for everything i do and say. Being sick is just a condition and doesnt change the fact that You are Master and im lil one. You control me, make the rules, and have the final say in everything.
My sickness has made me lose a lot of things in my opinion. It has caused me to gain weight to where i cant wear my old clothes. Its a huge disappointment to me because i feel gaining the weight let You down somehow. You didnt have the same skinny lil one that You had when i met You and when i came home from training. You say You love me and think im pretty no matter what, but i dont feel that way. I hate how ive gotten bigger and feel my body looks ugly.
Ive also had to sit and watch while everyone around U/us is getting pregnant and preparing for their first child. It is so heart breaking to me that i cant do thaf one thing for You because of not knowing whats wrong with me. Its my one wish to provide You with children. Its just sad not knowing what is going on and not knowing if it would harm the unborn child or not.
The only other part is i feel like i cant be active or play the sports i want to. Not knowing what makes my sympttoms get worse or bettr and having physically limiting problems make it hard. There is no outlet for all my frustrations, anger, sadness and any other feeling. I feel like ive lost who i am and who i was. All thats left is a girl who cant really do any activity, partially out of fear and partially due to the pain.
Please help me to start holding myself accountable and get back to at least a part of being myself. My job makes things harder and i dont want things between U/us to be hard too. Its not U/us and i dont ever want it to ever be. There are times where i feel bad, but its not bad enough to be let off from a correction or punishment. Lately it has been that ive gotten away with breaking rules or saying things i shouldnt. Its nothing against You because i know that You have nothing but my best interest at heart. I want to thank You for that. That shows that You really do care for me. My mind is ready and body feels ready. Its time for me to get back to being lil one. Its not a want, it most definitely is a need now to have that connection. I need You to punish me when the laundry isnt done or when i mouth off. Please help me to get back to being me and reclaim at least some sort of myself back. Help push me when i feel i cant go anymore (the diet i failed after a week is an example)
You are my heart and soul and i would do anything in the world for You. You complete me in ways that i couldnt even begin to describe. My heart melts when You pull me close and wipe my tears away or rub my back when it is as tight as could be. It is my hope that You know now and forever how important You are to me and i dont know what i would do if i eever lost You.. You are my heart and soul and i will always belong to You.
Im asking You please lets get back to the U/us we were bwfore i left for the military. Dont let me lose myself because im afraid im going down that road. There are days i will be hurting, there are days where i will be almost back to normal, and then days where im in between. You see me better than i can see myself. Dont let me trick You into thinking im sicker than what You see me as. Make me be accountable for myyself. Please make me get my chores done or cook dinner. If You want something, please do it. I hate knowing thhat You want me, but i fall asleep. Yes i may be tired, but there is always rime for You. You deserve to be satisfied and happy and to be sexually satisfied as well. There shouldnt be a way for me to say no to You.
This is my confession to You because i dont want things to get to where You dont love me, i lose myself, or even both of these. I dont evver want to lose You because that would kill me. I may not be able to fix work, but i can fix U/us. It is hard, but i nedd to change myself. It will make U/us better and i feel will reinstate that submissive in me tthat i feel has been buried so deep down inside. I love You and i nedd You to help get me back.

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