Monday, May 20, 2013

Dont even know what to call this....

   My head feels so confused and emotions just swirling and running around rampant that i honestly don't know what to feel anymore. Right now Master and i aren't speaking (due to me and not Him) and i just don't know. My brain is so confused right now that i am trying to make sense of everything.
   Lately Master and i have seemed to be in some kind of funk, me more than Him. He has even made the comment to me that i don't seem like His lil one lately by the way that i have been acting. Hearing those words crush me because to me i have been trying my hardest to act like lil one now that i don't have anything stopping me, but it just seems like im doing everything wrong. Master and i have had more disagreements then usual and a lot of it is that i get upset or frustrated about something and that in turn leaves Him mad at me and its a cycle until He comes to me and gets me to talk to Him, but for some reason tonight feels different.....
    To me, it feels like i have lost touch with the lifestyle. Yes Master and i have a child and we get alone time together, but it still feels like we aren't connecting at all like we were before. My moods can change in a heartbeat and that often leaves Master distancing Himself from me, or so it feels, and then He comes back later to talk to me about what is going on. After trying so hard and then coming up short, a part of me wonders why try anymore. Its almost like i want to break every rule just to see if anything will happen, but im not that kind of submissive/girl. Lately, a part of me feels that im to blame for every little thing and that times Master says He is okay with whatever is going on that He isn't okay. Its almost like i get tuned out at times and He tells me what i want to hear to appease me at the time. A part of me feels like im the one who always has to communicate with Him and im the one that gets shut down when i try to talk to Him about things. He tells me that He is the one that has to shoulder everything, but sometimes i know that He needs to talk.
     The other thing that has been circling around in my brain is that we have gotten a new puppy recently. She wasn't exactly healthy when we got her (a $184 vet bill later and she was diagnosed with round and hook worms, serious high level infestation causing her to be underweight and unable to hold food down), but since we got her He has seemed mad that she is here and gets upset when she whines at night sometimes and takes a little bit to calm down. Admittedly this morning i was ready to kill her when she wanted to play at 4 in the morning but ive gotten up with her everytime she has had to go potty in the early morning. He has taken care of her between 8-10/11am when i take a nap from getting up with her throughout the night. He suggested putting her back up the other night (before i took her to the vet and found out why she wasn't keeping food down) for adoption because of her whining and inability to hold food down and seemed hesitant when i took her to the vet. It had been almost a week and she was holding small bits of food down at a time. He would seem distant about her and when i asked Him if He was fine that she was here, i would get told that as long as i was happy He was happy, but His actions say otherwise. He just doesn't seem to like her a majority of the time and is frustrated with her. My thought is that if He didn't want her, He should have said something and not waited until after we got her to be upset. He made the deal with me that it would be a new dog or a baby because of things that were going on it was wiser for us to get a new dog (plus our current dog needs a playmate and our child needed their own puppy). It just hurts when He acts like He doesn't want to be around her or hates her. She is such a good puppy and i just want Him to be as excited about her as i am because for being only 8 weeks old, she already lets us know when she needs to go outside and is very well behaved (aside from her getting sick after eating issue but that's being fixed).
      The most important thing that keeps popping up in my head is about how He feels that i haven't been acting like lil one at all. Its weird to hear that and then get told later that i make Him proud by the things that im doing. My mind is conflicted because i don't know what to do and what not to do to act like His lil one. A part of me feels like im so disconnected from the lifestyle and that we just need a reset, but how do i ask Master for that? He has threatened to put me back to "under consideration" because of things that have happened in the past and things got that bad but it didn't happen. Lately it seems like there are no punishments for things done wrong and He just lets things go and a part of me gets frustrated because of that. A part of me knows that sometimes He holds back because of where we are at or He doesn't want to hurt me, but at the same time i feel like its time for Him to start punishing me for things. Granted i don't get into trouble often, but sometimes laundry gets left in the dryer or bottles sit on the sink for a day or two before they get washed and should be washed every night. There was an incident a couple weeks ago where Master accidentally hit my sore spot without meaning to and nothing came out of it other than me getting upset at him and hitting him back hard and He got upset because i hit Him (same day i was told that i hadn't been acting like lil one for at least two weeks at that point). We talked a little bit that day and it seemed things eased out, but lately it seems that there are more and more days where im getting frustrated at Master and i don't know why. To me, its time for the cycle to end and i just have to figure out how to go about doing that and whatever effort it will take.
     When Master and i first started dating, there were times where He would take control of me and do whatever He wanted with me in the bedroom, but now its more like vanilla sex with aspects of bdsm built in. We have lost that spark that we had when we were first together. Granted right now our living situation isn't the best, but we were staying in this same place when we first got together and made it work amazingly well. Now that our child is sleeping through the night, we have all the time in the world for time together just the two of us and there isn't any sickness lately (although i do have an occasional twinge in my back but nothing to where we have to work around it like in the past). Its just hard because believe me it is not Master that is having the issue in all of this, it is me. He has been looking out for me and ive gotten used to the slack and use it to get away with a lot. There is an underware rule in place and there are times it hasn't been followed and Master knows it hasn't such as with skirts or in regular jeans. My body is craving more of the lifestyle, but its just hard because i don't know how to get myself back there. Maybe i need to see if Master will start using positions with me or punishments for any rule broken until i get back into the swing of things. There has to be some way for me to get back into being lil one again so that i can stop upsetting Master and us having little arguments/disagreements. After this, i think Master and i will have a discussion about things and where we stand and maybe a revamp on the rules and discuss things and figure out how to get better. Granted right now, not a whole lot can be done because of Mother Nature but im sure Master will have a plan for things and i have to trust Him about it.
       i just love Master so much and want to make Him so proud of me, but lately it feels like all i have done is let Him down and get upset with Him. i don't want that anymore and im hoping that getting back to ourselves will help me feel like lil one again now that i don't have to worry about things with my old job and the stress that i was under from it. Hopefully this post is a stepping stone for us and it helps me figure out how to talk to Master and explain how ive been feeling without Him getting upset and feeling hurt when He reads this. i want to fix things before they get to the point of breaking and i lose Master because that is my deepest fear is no longer being the lil one that He fell in love with and collared and He doesn't want to be with me anymore or doesn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore (that would devastate me and i would more than likely cease to function if that happened). So for now....im going to try to gather my thoughts, revisit an old story, lay in bed with Master and hopefully talk with Him and see where things go from there.


***none of these are my pictures, but i found them on a google search. They are merely what im hoping to get back to.***








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