Friday, September 13, 2013

Need a friend to lean on after this news....

    So today has been a day full of a lot of reflection. It started in my history class with a quote that was put in there. Odd how decades later and Socrates is still teaching through his words. “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” This saying just really hit home with all of the health concerns that I have been facing over the past few years. It reminded me that no matter what is going on with me that i should do the best i can to take care of my body.
    Over the past three years, Master and i have faced a slew of doctor's together from regular doctor to a gastroenterologist and a few other specialists. My symptoms were all over the place and it was hard for the doctors to piece together what was going on with me. There would be test results that would come up abnormal one visit and normal the next or an antibody that would finally pinpoint something turn up positive then the next time it would turn up negative. It was definitely frustrating to say the least to go from doctor to doctor and hear them come up with nothing and then look at me as if it was all in my head. Hearing someone say that it was because i wasn't able to hand things or because i was depressed was just making me start to get that way because nobody could find out what was wrong.
     Just this past week it finally came to where we figured out what was wrong with me. It only took another doctor and a specialist that i should have seen three years ago to finally diagnose me. It turns out what i have is a combination of high cholesterol and im considered to be prediabetic and my pancreas is damaged right now. The high cholesterol is being treated now, but it was mentioned briefly three years ago but for some reason the doctors seemed to only think that telling me would solve it. Having a family history of high cholesterol and already having high cholesterol should have been a red flag, but obviously not. It was allowed to continue on as the blood tests were done and before long, it got to a point of no return. The high cholesterol ended up hurting my pancreas in its own right. For years i have also been having issues with being hypoglycemic until after i got sick. Since i got sick, it has skyrocketed into me being prediabetic. Right now i have to take medicine because my body is no longer recognizing what is or isn't a normal blood sugar. It was definitely scary hearing the word "diabetes" and "impaired glucose", but after meeting with this new doctor it didn't seem so scary after all. The doctor calmed me down by telling me that there is a possibility that i may or may not develop diabetes in the future. It all depends on making changes in my lifestyle about what i eat and adding more exercise in.
     So all this has left me feeling very contemplative about everything in my life and just how i feel about this whole diagnosis. A part of me is accepting of it and i feel that it is definitely a peaceful feeling because there is an answer as to what is going on with me. It sucks that it is a life altering diagnosis, but it makes me all that more thankful for the time that i have. The other part of me is utterly terrified!! Diabetes in today's world is a disease that can sometimes turn into a killer because of the various complications it produces in the human body. This terrifies me because im afraid that something will happen to me and i will leave here early and like Master's father did. His father passed away younger than he should have and it is my fear that i will do the same to Master because of this dreadful thing. Despite the fact that i may not develop it, it still scares me. It scares me for our child and future children. How will this affect them? Did i pass this onto them or is there a chance that they could get it? Will i be there to watch them grow up or will my body say that it is beyond repair and i develop this disease despite the help to prevent it? There are just so many factors that honestly scare me. Plus i hate needles and having to poke myself to give myself any kind of shot during the day and also to check my blood sugar would just kill me. It's so much of a mind trick and i feel like my mind is still slightly trying to wrap itself around the results. There is a huge positive in that we have a diagnosis now, but the downside is the fear of what is to come and whether or not these medicines will work well enough to hold off this major disease.
      Master doesn't quite know that these thoughts well up in me, but they do. There are times that i realize that because of this i have to fight even harder to lose this weight. According to the doctor, i have to lose roughly 40-50 pounds to be considered a healthy weight for my frame and height. Im currently at 188 and it is definitely going to be a struggle, but it is one that i feel has never been more important than now. If i don't make these changes, i could be giving myself my own life sentence and be the reason why i develop full blown diabetes. It is rough and sometimes i feel like emotionally it is draining me because i feel the support system here is super small. It is hard to work to lose weight on your own, even if you have the right motivation. A part of me wants to ask Master to take on the healthy eating that i am because i don't even know what His numbers are and if both of us are eating healthy it will definitely help me. It is just hard because i don't want to seem like a burden to Him and i don't want to seem like im forcing Him into this choice. It's just i wish to have a partner to go through this with and losing weight and just to be happy when we hit milestones of certain weights. It is just hard. IS it mean of me to ask Him to do it with me or should He want to do it with me (not that He doesn't want to do it, its just He likes His food lol)? So i guess my big thing is that my support system is Master and three good friends right now and that is it. Master's family is hit and miss and i feel like i cant rely on them. The bad part is all my friends are spread out and nowhere near her for me to workout with or meet up with for support if im having a bad day. Maybe that's why part of me goes towards the food at night when i feel like the pressures of the day have gotten to me and subconsciously that's my way of handling it. Maybe exercising will help me get back my way of venting and Master will get His lil one back to the way she was before i got sick. This sickness has affected me for so long, im ready to get back to who i was when Master first met me and fell in love with me. My only hope is that i make Him proud through all of this and tha tno matter what happens if things don't change that He knows that i tried my best and that im doing what we can with what ive been given.
     So with that being said, if you're ready this i would love it if you could offer some sort of words of encouragement, advice, tips, tricks, anything would be lovely. Right now my mind is just overwhelmed and i need this more than ever. Anything you offer to me will definitely be read and i will reply back as soon as i can. Again thank you to everyone who reads this blog and im sorry for anyone who is a regular and feels ive dropped off. Its just hard to find out how to deal with this.

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