Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Being Brave

This holiday season has led me to a lot of revelations about myself, my Master, O/our family, and O/our local munch family. It is both good and bad because part of it was an amazing thing that i realized about both Master and myself that is making me so proud of myself, but the other part is so disheartening to me and it makes me just feel so down and out. However, there is always a silver lining to everything and that will be expanded on later.
Lately my new personal anthem has taken the shape of a popular song(actually 2-3 of the new popular songs) and i find it being played whenever i feel myself going down the negative road. It is so inspirational to me and keeps me from dwelling on these negative feelings that would have overwhelmed me in the past and caused me to lash out at Master. He knew in the past why these were happening and would take a step back and sometimes my lashings hurt Him, but He was quick to realize the situation. Now He has told me that He couldnt be prouder of me for turning over this new leaf. He laughs, but in a good way, because when He hears these songs He knows that it is my way of destressing and preventing these people and situations from getting the better of me. They are the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" by Katy Perry, and "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.
"You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"
~"Brave" by Sara Bareilles
With my temporary job, I allowed myself to work as much as possible because i knew that W/we needed the money and there was no guarantee how long it would last. This meant that i was working on Christmas eve. When i was originally hired, Master's family made plans that on Christmas eve the family would get together and His grandfather to celebrate because the older brother did Christmas with his wife's family on Christmas day. So in this conversation which the family members had in a group message on FB, i told them all that i was going to be working that day and that my family would be in town (originally they were supposed to be). Well on Christmas eve, i was at work and Master and i had decided that W/we would go visit on Christmas since i was off and my family had changed plans. Well i sent out a text to the older brother and younger brother's wives telling them that W/we would be up if they wanted to meet up since they had presents they wanted to exchange. It was basically letting them know the approximate time frame that W/we were expected to be up there to visit and they could get their presents from U/us as well. Needless to say the conversation turned from "im sorry but if we had known sooner we could have made plans" to (this next part is the conversation from one wife to me--the conversation where i could tell she was trying to make me feel like crap)
younger Wife: "im working until 2 and then going to older wife's. thats why we all planned on going to His grandfather's. so we could all spend Christmas together. ill just leave your presents at His grandfather's."
me: ok sorry. we just found out"
younger wife: "why dont yall come tonight?"
me: "im working and my family was supposed to be here but they changed plans"
younger wife: "what time do you get off? im working today. im going afterwards."
me: "i dont get off til late tonight. plus its at least an hour drive for us to get there."
younger wife: "ok. well i can leave your presents at His grandfather's that way yall get them"
(This second conversation is from the older brother's wife to me. She set up the meet up to celebrate Christmas for Master's side of the family because her family celebrates their own Christmas on Christmas morning.)
older wife: "gosh if we would have known earlier we could have but tomorrow is completely filled were doing our family Christmas...." "No sorry we have a bunch of family tomorrow. Thats why we set up His family side tonight..just let me know the next time yall come down a couple days in advance"
me: "okay sorry. we just found out. i can leave your gifts at His grandfather's"
older wife: "its cool but we will def have to meet up the next time!!...."
me: "ok sounds good"
older wife: "are your parents spending the night with yall"
me: "no they changed plans and are stopping by after Christmas later this weekend"
older wife: "oh ok yall still cant come tonight?"
me: "no im working late an its at least an hour drive to get to His grandfather's for us"
older wife: "oh yea younger wife, younger brother, and older brother work today to. older brother just doesnt have far to drive. what time do you get off"
me: (at this point i was just pissed and i just threw out a late time so they would leave me alone) "11"
older wife: "gotcha"
Needless to say that these text messages between both of them (both at the same time) infuriated both myself and Master. This was family and they were basically trying to make U/us feel like crap for not being there when W/we had already explained due to work obligations there was no way we could make it. To be honest, if they had reacted differently W/we may have gone that night because it started at 630 and i got off work at 5 but because of this interaction W/we both refused to go. W/we have a set timeline for O/our family because of a child and it would require U/us to drive about an hour fifteen minutes to hour and a half to get to the family house and then not having eaten yet (which makes for cranky child) and just all sorts of other factors playing into it that just wasnt a good setup for U/us. Receiving all these texts at work infuriated me and Master was just as furious when i sent Him a copy of the messages that i was receiving, especially after i told Him that they made me feel like they were trying to single U/us out for not coming there and for not coming despite me working. It made me made, but i vowed to not let it bother me too much.
Fast forward to today and i find that i have found even more clarity when it comes to this so called "family" of O/ours (more His than mine but my family has its own faults too which a post in and of itself). His older brother's wife was throwing the get-together on Christmas eve so she could celebrate Christmas with her own family Christmas day. However, the odd thing is that His younger brother and His younger brother's wife and her family were invited over to celebrate Christmas with this family as well. His younger brother has no relation to that side of the family other than his older brother married the wife. There should have been no reason for them to celebrate if it was for her family only like i was told. So then FB this morning, there are pictures of them celebrating and lovely comments back and forth about how it was so amazing that they were able to spend time there and that her family had such a good time and other things. To be honest it infuriated me at first because it hurt to know that i have been in this family longer and they all claimed to have accepted me and loved me, but their actions are saying more and more that they dont. It's like Master has said that they have an elitist view that somehow they are better than anybody else in the family. It even makes one wonder about what they will think about O/our gifts. Due to O/our finances this year, W/we did a cute homemade ornament and scrabble letters for each family as O/our gift. It wasn't much but Master and i like gifts that are thoughtful, not ones where You spend a ton of money to use a few times and toss away (not that it is a bad thing if people want to buy that for U/us). W/we have realized the memories of making these gifts and how personalized they are is greater than a lot of things W/we could find in stores. Not only that as many family members as W/we have to buy for and the people mentioned above are given everything they want on a silver platter, that leaves little for U/us to find for gifts. Master and i are definitely the outcasts and they have no problem flaunting this on FB. As far as im concerned, i will not stoop to their level but im not going out of my way anymore for them. There will be no purchasing anything for them if they whine about not having things and needing them (there is more money there than Master and i have had even with me being former military). No helping moving or anything unless W/we get asked and that is only if W/we can fit it into O/our schedules not theirs.
The most important lesson i learned from the so-called "family" was that they are not "family" at all to me. There is no care and concern there for either Master, myself, or O/our child. There has been ample helpings of care and concern from O/our local munch family that W/we have been completely overwhelmed because of it (in a good way of course). When W/we brought up the topic of trying to find a job, there was no judgement whatsoever but instead messages of encouragement and advice on where to look for both Master and myself. The times W/we are able to go to munches, it is as if W/we had never missed one. It has been years since i have felt entirely comfortable around others and the local munch family makes me feel so comfortable. Granted W/we are still getting to know people, but they still treat U/us way better than O/our family has ever done! There is more love and laughter than W/we have ever been used to and i can only hope that O/our child learns more from their examples than from the people that claim they are "family" to U/us. Words can never be expressed just how thankful i am to have these people in O/our lives and to turn to in a time of need or even just for a word of advice or comfort. T/they are amazing people and i cant wait to get to know more and more about these people who i feel have become just like my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters/brothers/whatever they wish to be known as. Their love is what i chose to surround myself and at some point in the future, i will chose to ignore the negative and embrace the positive things and love that surrounds U/us. My only hope is that T/they know just how much of an impact T/they have had on me in such a short amount of time and that i am truly thankful for each and every one of T/them. The future is looking bright for myself and Master and i cant wait to see what it holds with O/our new family. :D
update
These past few days have showed U/us even more of why W/we are thankful for what W/we have and that O/our "family" isnt really family at all. It was discovered after pictures were posted on FB that our child ranks significantly lower than the niece and nephew of the younger brother. There are three children for him and his new wife to buy for. Of course, one would expect to spend the same amount of money on each child. However, in this case it wasnt true. O/our child got a toy that costs $5 and a pair of pants and jacket. The oldest niece of the younger brother got a powerwheels four wheeler that costs about $175ish and a few other gifts as well. To me that seems very insensitive to pay a lot for one child and not really anything for the other. It made me feel hurt for my child because when they get older how am i going to explain why the cousin is getting more than them? Thats not a conversation a child should deal with? It just floors me how they can openly do this and be okay with it? No person who truly cares about family would do this, especially to a child. Needless to say W/we are grateful for what O/our child did get, but it would have been nice for them to spend the same amount on both children. They could have bought learning toys or something else to go with it (it didnt have to be a powerwheels car since the child is still too young for one). This was the last straw that broke the camel's back i guess Y/you could say.
The other part of the update is that apparently the older wife has gotten their Christmas presents from U/us and was none too happy about it. There was a facebook post that said "some people never seize to amaze me(written while she was mad and should have been cease)" Then that wife when asked who it was refused to name who it was on facebook. The part that told me it was U/us was when i sent a message asking if they had opened their gifts yet. Magically older wife went from being online to mobile and then completely offline (gotta love facebook and the new chat settings) but the ironic thing is that i know she saw the post because it said "seen at ...." which was about two minutes after i wrote it. Then when i sent a text message the next morning, she has yet to answer this text message (although she would probably claim that she never received it). It just makes me laugh if she is unhappy with O/our Christmas gifts because Master and i have learned that its not about the money or buying the newest and greatest gift, but right now W/we like the thought of doing homemade especially since it gets O/our child involved in the gift exchange. Memories and putting things together like that in a time where W/we dont have much money is worth more to U/us right now than a store bought gift. We'd be happy with pictures or things like that which are more momentos and either dont cost anything or are very inexpensive to make, but older wife and younger wife insist on buying gifts instead of making them. Either way W/we were very happy with O/our gifts and had a blast making them. Besides its the thought that counts right?
So needless to say they have moved even farther down the totem pole than they were before. Master and i are feeling more blessed than ever before for what W/we have and the people that are in O/our lives, especially those in O/our local munch family.

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