So tonight has found me thinking about a lot of things and most of it is concerning Master. He is the most amazing man ever and today has just completely solidified that even more. There has been so much growth between the two of U/us that i am really amazed at just how far W/we have come. Granted there are still days where i revert back to my old ways, but Master is much more quick to set me back in my place and in my ways.
Master and i had a nice long talk last month about what things i would like to change and various things that i would like to see in myself. A lot of it has been from introspection thanks to a friend that Master and i met at the local munch. Not sure about Master, but i know that i consider this person to be a mentor to me and Master too. The insight revealed that i need to learn how to ask Master for something if i need it. He is not a mind reader and if i need something He cant tell that i need it unless i am open with Him about it. This is something that i have tried so hard to work on, but it is hard for me to vocalize my needs to Him. He knows that it is not easy for me to ask Him to tie me up and use me or to do this or that to me. There is a part of me that has been shut down for a while now due to how i was raised and the ideas that my family put in my head. My parents decided that it wasnt right to have different desires and urges (hypocritical because of the situation with my dad being transgender and my mom still being married to him). It wasnt normal to show these desires and urges and on top of that, most of my memories of relationships growing up was one of fighting and bickering and keeping things behind closed doors. With Master, it has taken some time for me to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to want Master to touch me or to give Him a kiss although W/we will never be ones to be on the verge of having sex in public because W/we dont like that kind of display.
Working out with Master was such an amazing feeling for me today. It was amazing to know that He was right there with me, going through what i was going through. He was acting just as goofy as i was doing the workout videos and then went for a walk with me after the workouts. It felt amazing and i am still on that high even though its hours after the fact. He made me feel so special and i just cant believe how special i felt. It has taken a while for me to get on the train for working out, but im glad that He is right there and not against doing it with me.
That brings me to the thing that is weighing on my mind heavy tonight. It has been a good while since Master has given me a spanking (like a good spanking not from where i got in trouble). When the mentor told me that there are times where i need something from Master and it may even be a spanking or something along those lines, i thought it would be forever before i would be able to ask Him for a spanking. These new changes have allowed me to become more connected with my inner self. It may be just in writing, but i know that i am asking Him for a spanking. It is a desire that i feel in me that i couldnt quite tell before. There is this need and desire in me to feel Him mark His lil one, to spank me and mark me as His, to remind me of my place as His lil one, to soothe my worries and fears, just to resituate myself. There are other reasons, but those are the only ones that i can put into words. He has just made me feel so much more like my slave self that i feel i need to get back to it even more. Things are stressing me out and a spanking centers me.
There is another need too. It is a need to be taken by Master and used as He wishes. It feels like so long since the two of U/us have been able to play that i feel off centered. He has tried anal with me again and i find myself wanting that and to feel Him just in me and used at His whim. It was amazing to feel Him and the love i feel when He ties me up and teases me......ummm yeah. It makes me feel whole and complete to know that i please Him by allowing Him to do that to me and it makes me feel so pleasurable at the same time. Just to feel His hands running up and down my body and knowing that my body is His to do with as He pleases. Yummy. Oddly enough im hoping that Master will enjoy His lil one tonight by making good use of my body for Him. My mind is thinking of Him cumming in my ass and how it feels so good when after He gets comfortable He starts plowing in and out making me feel crazy and then the feeling when He uses the wand on me as He is going in and out of my pussy. Ahhhhh i find myself craving all these different sensations. My mind is hoping for a session from Him to leave me relaxed and feeling even more connected to Him.
It may not be tonight or it may not be til next week, but i know that Master will read this and know that this is my way of asking Him. He is my Master and i trust Him completely to know when to give me what i need. Last night allowed me to reconnect with Him in an amazing way and im hoping that tonight He will do the same thing again. Last night was the first time in a good little while that i have worn my collar and it left me feeling very submissive. Im not sure how Master feels, but im hoping that every night W/we can put on my collar until it is time to sleep because it makes me feel whole and complete and very connected with Him.
This blog post may be a lot of rambling, but im hoping it makes sense for the one person that im trying to express my feelings for. It is a good thing that mother nature has disappeared and His lil one is excited to be able to show just how much i love Him. :) love You so much Master. Now to watch the movie with You and enjoy Your roaming hands.