It seems that this month has brought on a lot of changes and i have never been happier with the person that is appearing. It has taken a while for this change to occur, but Master has been the most patient man on the earth while waiting for me to make these changes.
This past week has been an interesting week to say the least and i found myself closer to Him after the lovely wax class that W/we had taken part in over the past weekend. It made me feel that much more in love and the feelings of trust were so strong that i really did realize that i had not been honest with myself in the past when i said that i trusted Him. It just wasnt completely true in the past and i feel bad for saying it when i obviously didnt mean it at the time. The trust allowed me to feel more open and realize that by communicating with Him it makes it easier for Him to understand what is going on with me.
Communication has been a big problem in my past because of the whole getting mad like a two year old and stomping off. Dont get me wrong that hasnt completely changed over night, but He has learned that there is no such thing as a "nothing" answer when He asks me whats wrong. It has become easier to talk to Him and i dont find myself just standing there huffing and puffing waiting for Him to just let me go and leave me alone. It had worked once or twice in the past, but He began to call my bluff and wouldnt take no for an answer especially after the talk leading to things that i personally needed to change within myself. Since W/we talked about me doing better at talking with Him, i have made a huge effort to do so. W/we have instituted a notebook that i now carry with me to write down any thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, basically anything that crosses my mind at any given moment that i want Him to know. It was an idea from a good friend of O/ours and it has been working wonders. It allows me to get across my feelings because He sees it every day. He has always known that i am more of a writer when it comes to expressing myself and the notebook is the way to get the ball rolling for me to open up and talk.
Now that W/we have worked on that, i find myself actually opening up as a person and not thinking that my desires and wishes sexually or otherwise are dirty. It was a big part of the issues that i experienced while growing up and it has taken a while to break down these walls. These issues caused by family and other things made me feel that the things i wanted was dirty, i was dirty as a person for wanting these things, i was disgusting for liking the things that i am into, my body was disgusting because i was/am overweight, and many more evil thoughts and insecurities that should never have gotten as far as they did. He has helped me to work through them and the biggest one being able to open up sexually with Him.
The other night was an interesting experience and personally i found myself opening up for Him. He has commented in the past that He is the one doing all the work when we get together intimately in the bedroom. This past week there was a night that i felt different. Realizing how much i trusted Him and that He wouldnt say anything negative about me and that He loved my body just the way it was, i opened myself up for Him. It took a lot for me to ask Him, but i got the courage up and asked Him to tie me up and tease me because i had missed it. He agreed and during the process i found myself completely open and enjoying it. The scene allowed me to open up to Him in a way that i felt i hadnt done since before i left for the military, maybe even before then. That night i felt free and let go in a way that was so amazingly awesome. It was the first time i felt myself participating other than doing what He told me to do to help the intimacy of the moment.
The events of that night are strictly between myself and Master (sorry no juicy tidbits), but what i can say is that it made me realize just how much i had grown in taking the advice of how to fix things that i felt were wrong with me and become a better slave for Master. It is still a long way from where i want to be as far as being open and participating more with Master and being vocal about what i want, such as if i want Him to tie me up or if i would like a spanking because i feel that i need it, but i know that it is most definitely a good step in the right direction. It wont happen overnight, but slow and steady wins the race (or at least thats what W/we were all taught as kids right?).
It has taken a lot of work and there is still an uproad battle, but i find myself realizing more everyday just how much i love Master and it reconfirms why i married Him. He is the man who has been there by my side when so many times He could have just thrown in the towel and left but He chose not too. He chose to take me on knowing all my baggage and stuck with me even after things changed when i left for the military. He may never know how much i love Him and am truly grateful for Him taking care of me and staying by my side through everything. He makes me want to improve myself for Him and so far it seems to be going well. He is my heart and soul and i would conquer the world for Him if He wanted me to. :) Love You Master and hope that You saw a change in me like i did and that i can continue to make You proud.