Sunday, February 16, 2014

You Dont Hold the Power Anymore!!!

warning this could possibly cause triggers for those who have had trauma in their past so just want to post this now just in case
This weekend made me realize just how much i am loved (not that Master didnt let me know before and continues to let me know) by my new found family. It was a fun filled day of bowling and then a nice dinner together. For the first time i felt like i didnt have to monitor my responses. There was no hiding my responses because i felt they would be taken the wrong way, like an invitation for further things that my head thought they would take that way even if it wasnt meant that way, or just that what i would say would be deemed as childish or weird and completely ignored like i was used to happening. An amazing thing happened....i felt myself blossoming and becoming the lil one that Master has been trying to chip out of my shell. Then later today there was a song that came on and the part that touched me the most was "Scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So i sat quietly, agreed politely. i guess i forgot i had a choice. i let you push me past the breaking point. i stood for nothing. So i fell for everything. You held me down, but i got up. Already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice, you hear that sound? Like thunder gonna shake the ground! You held me down, but i got up. Get ready cause i've had enough!" These lyrics really made me realize that it was time to stand up and let my voice be heard. There is nothing i can do now, but by getting this out i am saying that no more will you be allowed to have this hold on me.
The time has come for me to no longer be afraid! There is a demon in my past that i have let control me for way too long. Keeping the secret and hiding the fact has left me fearful that someone would find out and think that i was just another stereotype. However, the greatest friends in my local munch family have made me realize these notions were stupid and this weekend especially made me realize that i need to face my worst fears. You no longer control me and i am taking my life back. No longer am i going to be afraid to act like myself, shy away from people and hide behind my quiet interior, or even shy away from things with Master because it reminds me of what you did. You dont get that privilage anymore!!
Around this time four years ago, i was in the process of getting to know people in the lifestyle and trying to figure out who i was. One of the many people that i had talked to from Collarme led me to FetLife and it was treasure trove of information. However, i knew to be smart about things and do a good bit of research before fully diving into something. This was more than what i had only dreamed about when i was younger. There were no words to describe how fast i soaked up the knowledge. Admittedly being young and naive, i was talking to numerous guys because one could never tell when it would become serious and half the time many would quit talking to me for no reason after a few messages. Needless to say i guess i could have been known as a player for messaging that many people although, once it got more serious with one i quit.
Looking around the area i was living in, my first search didnt turn out that great. It was a short dip into the poly side of the lifestyle and at the time i didnt find it very appealing to me (more about that at a later time). When my inner brat was left unchallenged by the Dom in that relationship, i moved on. That was when i found you. You smooth talked me and seemed to have what i was looking for. However, a previous sexual assault by a college friend had led me to be even more cautious than normal when the two of us began talking. You told me how you were new to the area and looking to make friends and find a good submissive to get to know and be in a relationship with. You even told me that you were a cop moving from another area and that you were looking to get on in the town. This seemed to calm my nerves and maybe made me a little less cautious that night. That little voice in the back of my head was quieted reading this because i knew that there was a lot in law enforcement and that working as a cop you would understand what the repercussions were of someone who had been assaulted.
Plans were made and the night we were supposed to meet i did what was suggested by most of the sites that i had read when meeting someone from the lifestyle. A friend had your contact information and knew that we would be meeting at a theater for a movie and then i would be returning home after. There were no plans for any type of play or anything of that nature. The friend was texted when i got there and then texted to be told that everything was okay. Reassured by you that i looked good in anything, i showed up in a pair of sweat pants and my windbreaker. You didnt seem to mind, but if i knew then what i know now, i should have known that you had nothing but one thing on your mind.
Going into the movie, the seats were chosen and didnt seem that bad to me at first. You chose seats in the back corner of the theater, but they actually turned out to be pretty good seats for the most part. The view was the same as if it was in the middle of the theater. You had no plans to watch the movie. To this day, i still do not remember what movie it was because i was too terrified during the movie. About ten minutes into the start of the movie i felt your hands moving. At first i didnt think anything of it, but then they became more insistent. Then there was a whisper in my ear that i was a good slut and that i had better not make any noise. It was all i could do to sit there because this had turned into a bad situation. You had me there, frozen in my seat unable to do anything to defend myself. I couldnt scream or cry or yell for help. Who would believe me when i was sitting there and you had your hands down my pants. It would look as if you were just trying to get some action or something. On top of that, knowing you were a cop just terrified me even more. It was all i could do to get out of that theater when we ended.
You then took it upon yourself to walk me out of the movie theater and suggested walking over to your truck, half walking and half dragging me over there with a grip on my arm. You gave me no room to decide. Getting to the passenger side, you unlocked the door and "suggested" i get into the truck. Now this is where i became afraid. Who was to say what would happen once i got in the truck. Where would you take me? What would do? Would i remain alive? Again, there i sat frozen in fear as you got in on your side of the truck. You pulled me to you and began to fumble around in my pants saying that you wanted some more of what you got inside. Unfreezing for a few minutes, i found my will power to say no and tried to push your hands away. Try as i might though, i couldnt push your hands away and i find myself fighting the tears back. My hands were beginning to shake and i was fighting the flashbacks. As your hands fumbled in my pants, my hands fumbled for my cell phone in my pocket. Finally finding it, i faked a phone call to my friend. Panicking, i began to tell him that he was locked out and that i would be there shortly, hoping he would understand the code that i was trying to tell him. That i needed him to pretend a little longer so that you would buy the ruse. Somehow your cop radar must have been on because at first you didnt buy it when i got off the phone. Your hand began invading my personal area and assaulting my most private area yet again. Three times of telling you no and you still didnt get the point. You kept grasping and trying to pull me to you. To this day i can still see the side of your truck, messy as can be, as i tried to hope and pray that you would let me go. Finally after the fourth time of crying no and almost sobbing as it came out and pleading that i had to go, you let me go. I told you thank you for the movie, trying to hide the fact that my body was getting ready to collapse on me. You left and told me to let you know when i made it home. That was the last time i saw or contacted you.
Unbeknownst to you, i was able to make it to my car. Getting there, i sat down and sobbed my eyes out. My mind couldnt get around the fact that i had just been assaulted. All i remember was driving home in a daze. Once getting there, i couldnt stand staying in my apartment by myself and knew i didnt want to be alone. I had to talk with my friend for several hours before i was finally calm enough to go back into my own apartment. You are the reason for this! You had me at my most vulnerable and took advantage of it! You are the reason that until recently i have never been able to fully trust anyone! Sobbing my story out to me friend, he urged me to tell someone. However thanks to your lovely piece of news, i was unable to get any kind of justice. You were a cop and would be able to side with your brothers in arms. Believe me being a former cop myself, i know how it is. Yall stick together! Because of you i couldnt report it. On top of that, there is no way i could tell any counselor about this because who would understand the dynamics of the lifestyle (before i knew there were kink friendly therapists).
Because of you and what you did i had panic attacks, lashed out at my Master when He would do something that triggered me, bottled myself and put myself in a plastic bubble to protect myself. You took my faith out of the justice system and if i had known at the time what i could have done to prevent another girl like myself being hurt, i should have done it. However hindsight is 20/20. You ruined the past four years of my life, but i am determined to not let it last any longer. Believe me, you better be glad that i deleted all prior messages from you on here and have no memory of what your name was because i would totally be outing you if at all possible. You deserve to rot in hell for what you did and i hope that one day you get what you deserve! You are sick bastard!
But the joke is on you because i have an amazing family that i have met (my lovely WAK family) and an amazing Master who is a million bazillion times better than you could ever hope to be. He knew how to get my submission without even asking for it. He didnt TAKE anything from me! i GAVE it to Him! He and the other Dominants/Masters that i know are better than you will ever be. From this day on, i am no longer letting you control my life. There will be no more bottling up the submissive that was searching before i met you. That bratty/playful submissive that my Master hasnt seen in so long because of you. He deserves to see that submissive and all the other parts of me that have been kept hidden because of the damage you caused.
"You think you got the best of me? Think you've had the last laugh? Bet you think that everything good is gone? Think you've left me broken down? Think that id come running back? Baby you dont know me cause you're dead wrong! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger! Stand a little taller! Doesnt mean im lonely when im alone! What doesnt kill you makes a fighter! Footsteps even lighter! Doesnt mean im over cause youre gone! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger." and "Thanks to you i've got a new thing started! Thanks to you im not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you im finally thinking about me!"
You are the loser in all of this and it is me who is the winner because of everything i have gained. Consider this my last time letting the memories of what you did haunt me! Im finally free and it feels absolutely amazing!!

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