Sunday, February 9, 2014

Finding Myself Has Taken a New Turn

So this past weekend was absolutely amazing between both Friday and Saturday nights. Since finding O/our way into O/our local munch group, Master and i have been working at becoming more involved and actually embracing the lifestyle that W/we live. It has worked wonders and i find that the two of U/us are actually becoming closer than W/we ever were before. But i digress back to this past weekend. W/we enjoyed a lovely Christmas party with O/our local munch and the White Elephant Game. It was definitely an interesting twist on the game playing it with mostly kinky presents. Master even got involved by pulling the numbers for the group. It was a night full of fun and laughter and just feeling free and enjoying time with friends.
It led to another talk with someone who i feel is a mentor/friend for both Master and myself. It is someone that i can ask questions about how to do things better for Master if i cant figure it out myself and i want to do better for Him. Master is an amazing man and anything that i can do to make my submission to Him that much better is a win in my book. The talk was about a new decision the two of U/us came up with after a previous talk of keeping a notebook on me so that if i get an idea or some topic that i wish to talk with Master about i can write it down so that i dont forget it. It is a way for me to communicate better with Him because that is a big issue for me. It is so much easier for me to write things down then to say them directly to Him, although im working on that. This notebook helps me relay how im feeling, what im thinking, and various things throughout the day that would otherwise be lost.
Then came the most amazing night for me. Master and i decided to participate in the local BDSM class and it was on wax play which has always been a very touchy issue for me. Before i met Master i had experimented with a poly couple when i was trying to figure out what i wanted in the lifestyle. The "dom" had decided he wanted to try wax play with me and used a birthday candle from a close height on my inner thigh and crotch area. It hurt like hell and it left me afraid of wax play so when i met Master i had told Him that i was afraid of it. He never pushed the issue as He knew i had a few bad experiences when coming into the lifestyle and left it alone. Before going to this class He brought up the idea of me being a demo and i ran with it. Lately i have been trying to get more out of my shell and put myself out there and become more of a social person than i have been in the past few years. By getting out of my comfort zone, i want to work to a place where i realize that being kinky is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it and that i shouldnt be ashamed of my body (completely separate issue but long story short is that i dislike my belly from being slightly overweight and my stretch marks--tiger marks as He calls them--from my pregnancy).
Class time came and admittedly i was extremely nervous because of what it would entail. However thanks to previous talks with Master and the mentor i knew that i would be placing my utmost trust in Master and the class leader. Master would know what i could handle and told me that He would stop things if He felt that they were getting to be too much for me. Class started with trying wax dripped on my back. It was interesting to say the least and tested me because at this point i didnt know how i was going to react to the wax. Thankfully i made it through (although Master offered to go up there with me and stand right there and two friends offered to distract me and give me something to focus on too). It was no where close to the pain i had felt with the birthday candle and definitely felt good.
Time came for them to come off and that was interesting. The technique for taking off wax can incorporate a knife (this case it did) and that is another big fear of mine. Thankfully it wasnt bad at all and the wax was removed. Then it was on to playing with paraffin wax and learning what it feels like when putting it on someone. This was WAY different than the regular wax in that it ran and set very fast too. It was a very interesting experience with that and it definitely tickled something crazy coming off. It tickled so bad that i was giggling, which caused others to laugh.
After that i was asked how i was doing and i replied better and that the good memories had replaced the bad ones. It was mentioned that now that i had good memories i could trust Master enough that i could let go the next time we tried the wax. Well oddly enough the next time we tried it was a little bit later in the class. Trusting Master has been high on my list of things to work on for Master because it is why i am hesitant to do certain things with Him. Placing my trust in Him, i asked Him to try three of the low heat candles and i trusted Him to know if it was too much for me or if i could take more. He did very well and checked on me throughout using the first candle. Then it was time to switch to the next one. He was great about letting me know what color was next and it felt amazingly good. It was an oddly good sensation and i could feel myself trusting Him to where i could let go and enjoy the wax sensations. The next color was dropped and i found myself giggling again as it hit certain spots on my back. The part that truly sent me over the edge though was when it was recommended to then drip the paraffin wax that had been pulled off my back earlier back over me. It was a crazy mix of sensations and i found myself letting go and loving every minute of it. He knew just how far to push me and did just enough to where i wasnt uncomfortable for my first try after replacing the bad memories of the birthday candle.
The part that i think back to the most is right after this little time, Master had me stand up. It was asked if i could be brave enough and i answered yes. This was after the wax had been cleaned off my back from right before. Standing there with Master in front of me, i watched Him give the okay for what was about to be tried. Then i felt the tugging on my back and knew there was a knife, especially after hearing the words "hold still". It was then i had my first experience with knife play. It happened faster than i thought and was just the knife being dragged across my skin in a design. It was definitely interesting and left me wondering if what i thought about knife play was right. It may be something to see what Master thinks about it in the future.
Thinking back to the class this past weekend i have realized a lot both about myself and about Master and i's relationship. In the past it seems that i havent fully put my trust in Master. It may not be 100% there (more like 95% it feels like to me), but it is being worked on slowly but surely. That night showed me just how much i can trust Him. He knew how scared i was of knives and knife play and was right there for me, ready to stop it if He felt things were too much for me. He had my best interests at heart and really wanted me to have a great time. The class made me realize that things are a lot different than how i felt when i first got into this lifestyle.
Leaving the class i had never felt more secure, loved, and accepted than i had then. The group in the class made me feel welcome and accepted both during and after the class (Waffle House was a blast!!!). It made me feel less self conscious about my body because there was no evil looks or bad comments made about how my body looked. It also made me feel trust in not only Master but those around me because help was offered without even knowing my situation. Thank You to the two friends for the offer to help when i first went up there. Also thanks to the wonderful teacher for teaching the class and being understanding and for helping Master be able to play with wax with me. I was made to feel welcome and it has left me wanting to explore more and see what else i can do outside my comfort zone. There are still some insecurities, but it seems the more that i become involved in things like our spa day and the class i find myself accepting who i am, which in turn makes things better for both myself and Master.
He is my champion and i have never felt so much in love and i only hope that these changes are making Him proud of me. He is the reason that i want to get out of my comfort zone and explore new things despite experiences i may have had in the past. Who knows what the future holds, but it seems VERY bright with Master and our lovely new family that W/we have found in the munch group W/we joined. Last bit is a HUGE thank You to Master for being so acceptable of me and my flaws and feeling insecure in myself. Thank You for pushing me to become better and for knowing that i can do things even when i doubt myself. You are truly an amazing man and i thank God everyday that i was blessed with You both as my Master but as my husband and best friend. :) i only hope to make You proud of me as i continue to embrace these new changes.

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