Thursday, March 13, 2014

I've Got a Thinkin' Problem...

This past week has been building and building in me and i find myself getting very emotional and seems that im letting my emotions get the best of me. This past weekend was one of the lowest points for me as a submissive type with Master. The two of us have hits ups and downs in the past, but the last major battle had been because of some hormones out of control (due to PPD and quite possibly PTSD combined). Needless to say it led to Master having to leave the room and step away from me when i was going through that. This past weekend was even worse in my mind when compared to that time right after coming home with our child.
Master and i had been doing great and He had even regained a good bit of my trust. It seemed that although i had been saying since i met Him that i trusted Him, the actions of my body and mind were saying something completely different. There was also the major influence of my emotionally abusive parents and family members. The two of U/us had been working on getting me away from the ties that held me to the emotional abuse and trusting Him more. It has been a long road to even get to this point of realizing that i needed to distance myself from that and with Master's help i had been working hard on putting that distance up. There were times that i struggled, i balked at Him, i pulled back when He tried to push me. However, He stayed patient through it all and gently kept that guiding hand there to prod me in the right direction toward breaking the negative bonds in my life and forming positive ones.
Lately it seems that i have been fighting Master harder than usual. He gives an order and it would lead to many heavy sighs, stomping of feet here and there, but i would grudgingly do it. In between those days, there would be a random good day here and there where i would be connected with my inner submissive and the person inside that i have had to keep hidden for so long. The times i would fight Master, the out shell would win the competition and push the real me further down, denying her to come out. This culminated in the major blow up that Master and i had this past weekend.
Carrying around a purse was so hard for me, although i like purses, and i just decided to quit carrying one and place my cards in either my backpack when going to school or my pocket when going elsewhere. While in the truck with Master, i had laid them on the dashboard so as not to ruin them. When He hit the brakes, they slid forward and ended up getting lodged between the dashboard and the cab of the truck (still there as neither one of U/us can figure out how to get it out of there). This led to a blow up to where i blamed Him for causing the loss of two cards that were needed in daily life and yelled at Him like none other. He even told me about two hours after "that is the worst that I have ever been yelled at". At the time all i could think of was how mad i was and He had done so wrong by making those id cards get stuck. When He came to me and tried to verify that i was mad at Him and blamed Him, my head was seething and all i could think was that i was pissed at Him for slamming on the brakes when He always messes with me about my driving. Taking a quote from another writing on fetlife (i claim no credit for this quote at all) "I wanted to surrender. I wanted to obey without question. I wanted to be His. My heart wanted this, desperately, but my head (my fucking, stupid head) kept getting the last word." (from the k&p writing on an un-collaring ceremony)
So needless to say, i blew up at Him but later after i had turned me head off and really thought about things, i realized how stupid i had been at the time. There was a huge apology and a removing of my foot from my mouth. He had been hurt and i realized i had been the one to hurt Him. That shouldnt have happened and i for the life of me could not figure out why it had happened. Still today i do not know and am going to try my best to figure out why i reacted this way. It hurts to know that i hurt Master with what i did and i can only hope to try and prevent it from happening in the future. He forgave me, but there is still a deep fear of mine that it will happen again. :( Now its time to dig deep and try to figure out why i reacted the way i did and what is really at the heart of my deep submission. There is going to be a long search for exercises and things that really make me think of myself and what i want to be for Master as lately it seems i havent been like His lil one. Master, i only hope that in the future i can become a better lil one for You.

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