Saturday, November 19, 2016

Past Few Weeks....

   So right now i should be working on some homework and studyi, but i felt that i needed to write this before getting started on that. This is mostly something that Master already knows with a few things that He might not know mixed in (just not sure what all He has picked up or i have mentioned to Him lately).
These past few weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Master is now working and it has been a HUGE adjustment period for me and the kids, but mostly me. When Master and i first met He was working, but then He took some time off and has been home everyday since then with a few times where He had to be gone during the day to take care of things. During that time i was the one working between the time in the military and then the few odd jobs i have had after getting out before truly being able to focus on school. Part of me believes that this is what has spoiled me because He was always home for me and i could talk to Him anytime that i needed. Well since starting work that has changed. With His job there are times where i can't talk to Him because He is unavailable. It has been an adjustment to not always having Him right here to talk to and most of our conversations while He is working take place by text with a phone call or two. It definitely makes for a HUGE adjustment period in my opinion.
     Well along with that, things have been tipped opposite of what they were and i am finding myself lost on some things. Because of the dynamic that Master and myself have, i find myself thinking that i have to take care of everything from making sure kids are fed, changed, bathed, and any other duties that come with that to making sure laundry and dishes are done and the house picked up. It felt like i didnt want Him to have to worry about taking care of things between His short time at home between shifts and the days that He had off. It was all about making sure He was able to relax before going back to work another long shift. Master and i have talked about this, but for some reason i feel like i struggle with it every week. i just dont want to feel like i am adding to His already hectic schedule and cut into his relaxation time with me and our family while He is home. i feel it is my job as His lil one to provide for Him and make sure He is taken care of and by doing the things mentioned above i don't have to place that burden on Him to take care of those things while He is at home resting between work days. However, Master has been very quick to reassure me that it is perfectly okay and that i don't have to do all those things except what He has told me -- take care of the kids and do my school work. He has told me numerous times that it is me putting all those things on myself. It is very true and sometimes i wonder why i make extra work for myself when He has already stated that He is more than willing to help out if i need it because my days are just as long as His from dealing with the kids, going to school, and then studying/doing homework.
Guess all of that explains how rough of a transition it has been for me. On top of all that though, i dont have my Master with me at night which is typically when i would get my time with Him away from our kids (not that i dont love them and spending time with them but me and Him need our own time too). It is harder because the time that Him and i have together as Master and lil one is definitely much shorter now...It does make me value the time that i get with Him that much more though. He has even made comments to me in the past two weeks that it seems like i am more of lil one now that He is back at work when He has home. Admittedly i know there are days where i have felt that i have failed miserably at being lil one but He has pointed out to me that i havent. There have only been a couple times where i did get frustrated at Him for no reason. He very quickly corrected that with a spanking, which made me feel very loved and like lil one.
         At this point, i can only hope that most of this Master already knows. i have tried to truly be more open and communicate with Him even when He is at work. He has told me that He is always a phone call away and the even better blessing is that His partner at work is into the lifestyle as well and understands it so if Master can't answer the phone His partner can and relay any information that i need Him to. It makes it a little bit easier knowing that i dont have to be careful what i say around Him while He is at work and that i can relay information thru His partner at work if necessary. It has made for several interesting conversations between Master and myself. Hopefully at some point i can meet the person He is working with, but that may be in the future after the holidays or after my semester at school ends. It helps knowing that He is always going to be the one there for me and is truly trying to push past the barriers that have been put up from my past, which is part of the reason that i am so glad that i don't have to worry about what i say around His partner at work. i have too many people that i already have to be careful around that it makes one less person to worry about (people are ones that wouldn't understand at all if i said what Master and i are into).
       Now i have to confess that there is another part to what has been going on that i have told Master but it amazes me at how my body recognizes the change as well. Over these past couple weeks there have been several times where i have wanted to play because i was turned on, was missing Master, and just wanted to play. i am trying to work on communicating better with Master about me being turned on and the sucky part is that these days were ones where He was at work. i asked for permission and He allowed me to play. The crazy thing was that the first two days He was able to reply back right away when i sent Him a picture about half way thru the play time i was having with our wand that we have. However, i was able to cum a little bit but it was no where near the huge orgasms that happen when Master plays with me. For some reason those nights where He texted right after receiving His pictures my body recognized that He was there and there was a massive orgasm following a few minutes after His text message reply back to the picture. The hard part was a couple days ago. After giving my body some time to heal from the night Master got to play with His lil one (went in a little too far with the glass dildo that we have and nicked my cervix a little bit), i was allowed to play with myself. Even though i was distraction free and had my music on to keep my mind focused i just wasn't able to bring myself to truly cum like i do for Him. i think my body really does recognize that He is my Master and either i have to talk to Him in the middle of/right before playing by myself. My body recognizes that He is the one in control and follows His commands even when the two of us are apart. It is truly a wonder and makes me feel amazing at the same time knowing that i have come a long way for that to happen. Before i would have tried to push thru and ignore it (since i was given permission to play), but now i take it as a sign that my body wants Master's touch and that the toys just will not work the way i would like them to for play time. This was even with adding other toys that usually enhance things while Master is at home. This time it just didn't work, but i don't worry about it. Each time i have told Master that i wasn't able to have an orgasm like He gives me and it has made our playtime that much better.
Which i have to go back to our playtime the other night where i had so much fun and truly felt like lil one the whole time despite a few times where i felt my body trying to fight for a second or two (due to something trying to hit a trigger that i have gotten past for the most part). It is hard for me to just come out and jump Master, although i have done a handful of times. For me, it is easier to ask Him to leave the room for a few minutes because i can create a scenario of me waiting for Him in some shape or form as my way to express to Him that i am turned on and wish to have some time with Him. It is still a work in progress in being able to verbalize that i want Him that much, but hopefully these show Him that i truly am thinking of Him and wanting to spend time with Him. i set up the scenario and actually bound myself and found myself on my knees. This is typically a hard spot for me to be in after a certain period of time and they start hurting and i have to shift to a more comfortable position. However, i found that even though they did start hurting that it wasn't like before where i was seeking to get out of that position because that was where Master wanted me once He came in and saw the scenario i had put together. Now when i say scenario, i dont dictate what happens in a scene at all as that is Master's domain, but i do just get out our toys that He can use so they are easy to reach instead of thrown in our toy drawer and also put myself in a slave position for Him. It makes me feel so much more like lil one and helps further my mind into that lil one mindset that He loves so much. But during that whole scene i found myself in love with everything He was doing and wished that it didn't have to end. i remember pleading with Him for more times to cum because He had to stop due to me bleeding after nicking my cervix a little bit. It truly makes me feel so loved and warm and comfortable knowing that He gives me just what i need no matter what.
Oh and during that time it was amazing because i got to try out the new toy that Master had gotten as a gift from His new partner at work. It was a new glass butt plug and it was nice because it was smaller than the one that we had been using which was hurting because it is just too big at the present time and after having kids. Part of me had wanted to try it after getting it on one of the nights that Master had allowed me to play with myself, but i waited until He got to use it on me first. It felt so amazing going in and didn't hurt at all. The other one i could tell when it was going in and the smaller one we have just didnt stay in partly because it was one of the cheapo ones we bought when we were first buying toys after delving into the lifestyle together. This new glass one feels amazing and doesn't hurt and sits in there just right. Hopefully i can wear it a little bit better than the attempts that i had with our bigger one and wear it out of the house and remind myself that i am Master's lil one. It always makes me feel amazing to know He is with me and that would just remind me of His presence even when He isn't there with me (like at school or around the house when He is at work).
       So the last part is in relation to a new thing that i haven't brought up with Master yet. i just thought about this while my thoughts were coming out for this post and i plan to talk to Him about it later tonight. Master had bought me a necklace that i wore in public to symbolize my collar and it was also symbolic of my faith. However, it has been work constantly and had children pulling on it as well as just life happening and the chain is on it's last legs. So instead of wearing it and possibly losing it, i have chosen not to wear it because i don't want to lose it at all. Well before this latest collar, Master had bought a different one and i loved it (still do) but it got a little snug around my neck after our last child. Before it had felt like it was going to choke me at any second and was a little tight for my comfort. However, looking at it now i think i am going to go back to wearing it. It is my collar for Him and is in essence my slave collar because it has a locking mechanism on it. It may be a little snug, but the other slave collar that i have confessed to Master that i liked would be even tighter around my neck (the solid  ring that some slaves wear). Even though i may feel a discomfort while wearing it, i have to push that discomfort aside. It is essentially the same as putting my own discomfort out of the way while in a scene with Master (like something is merely uncomfortable not meaning something that qualifies as a safe word use). i need to break out of my comfort zone and get back to wearing my collar and realize that there is always going to be some discomfort with something, but that it is okay. It may even serve as a reminder to me that it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and that He will always be there for me if i need it. So starting this next week i will be wearing my collar again with pride for my Master and not for me, because it is His collar after all. He didn't give it to me lightly and i shouldn't not wear it simply because i feel uncomfortable. It is my mark of ownership and i will be very proud to wear it out and show off that i belong to Him!

        And last thing is Master and i are needing a new bedframe at some point in the near future. It has been almost 6 years since we have bought one (trashed our old one with this last move since it was broken beyond repair). With how much Master and i are truly connecting with each other and focusing on the lifestyle as well, i feel that a bed like this would be an amazing option. We may not have enough to purchase a bondage bed from one of those major dealers, but i think we could swing a canopy bed that looks similar to this since Master and i both love the bondage side of the lifestyle and He likes to experiment with rope ties too :)

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