Thursday, June 15, 2017

Life's Musings about Life Changes

     It seems that life truly is about rolling with the punches lately. Not that anything bad has happened per say, but it just feels that way with how much things have changed for our life lately. Sometimes i feel like i am just kinda skating by with things and then other days i feel like i'm just not doing enough for myself or for Master. 
     Master and i are slowly getting used to the routine of things now that i am in nursing school. Between the work load for that (one week i had about 7-10 chapters to read for class not including online material i had to complete), taking care of family life, running errands and making sure the house stays in clean shape i am all but exhausted. Then add into that i have to do this by myself most days because Master works at night and needs to sleep during the day for a little bit to ensure He is prepared for work that night, it can wear anyone down. It wears me down a good bit as i have so much to do to keep everything running smoothly. Then there is the pride thing that i don't/shouldn't have to ask for help. He already does so much in working to take care of the family that i can take care of all the other things. But things lately have shown that this isn't true and that i need to work at getting out of my pride thing and learn to ask for help if i need it. He has already told me that if i need help with anything laundry, or such, to just ask Him and He can help, but that He isnt a mind reader and doesn't just know that i need help unless i ask. i could have sworn He was a mind-reader lol, but i guess not. :D 
      Anyways, so last night i was getting things ready in the house after completing some study work and to be honest, it felt like i had finally settled into somewhat of a routine. Not sure if this was a fluke or not, but last night i truly found myself feeling extremely submissive and very content getting everything done. It was even better when i shared with Master just how much i had gotten done before going to bed and to get a text back with a shocked "wow" and then a "good job lil one". It felt amazing and put the biggest smile on my face to know that i had made Him proud by how much i had accomplished. Part of me wonders if it has to do with the fact that i have started wearing my collar to class again (wasnt wearing it for lab because i know once starting clinicals i definitely wont want to wear it to prevent it being pulled on). 
       Life has been pretty crazy and hectic lately and Master and i both know that time together is even more precious now considering both of our schedules are mismatched and that i am having to put WAY more time into my studies to make sure that i pass my nursing courses. It definitely isn't easy, but i wouldn't want to go thru this journey with anyone else. He truly knows when to push me, but is also understanding when i am just too exhausted from trying to manage everything while He is at work or catching up on sleep for work. 
       This brings me to something that i wanted to write for Master, but just couldnt find the words at the time. Since He is at work a lot there are several nights where i find myself going to bed alone after completing everything i need to. His side of the bed is empty and i find myself just longing for His touch/embrace just to know He is there. With my past and all that i have been thru from the abuse from my parents growing up to the two sexual assaults i experienced, He is my safe place at the end of the day. He keeps me safe and i never have to worry or be afraid when He is there. The nights that He is gone, it is almost like that sense of safety and security isn't quite there. Now i know He has to be out and i am okay with it, but my body just yearns for that. It is so much that the nights when He is home i always ask Him to rub my back. Part of me thinks that He only knows this is just to rub my back, but it is actually because my body needs His touch. It craves it because as i am falling asleep and He is rubbing my back, it is comforting me and reminding me that i am back in the safety and security of my Master's arms. It lets me know that nothing bad will happen and that He is there to protect me. It is hard to explain just how much His touch on those nights calms me, but it eases my mind in so many ways that is more than just what i described above. i honestly never knew how much just feeling His hand run over my back and butt as He is rubbing them would mean to me. He is my safety blank and safe ship in a world that is always ever changing and never completely safe.
        On top of that, i am also realizing that my faith and experience with Master are finally coming together. It took a major conversation with Master about it, but i finally feel that it is getting to a place that i am happy with not feeling like the two are battling each other. Master has always been a big supporter of me and my faith, but for some reason for the longest time i felt like i couldn't be Master's slave and be a Christian. It just didn't seem to go together. However, the more i thought about it and the more we talked, it was made clear that you can be a Christian and also be in the lifestyle. It actually has made our relationship better and brought an amazing change that i wasn't expecting. i am now able to grow in my faith to God as well as expand my relationship with Master. There have been several times that i have prayed about things in our relationship and doing certain things and just letting me be at peace with it and it has worked amazing. i will admit that i haven't been the best Christian lately, but it has worked wonders being able to have both at the same time. :) i honestly can't wait to see where we are at a year or two from now and see how much things have changed for us. Both of us truly trust in God and He has guided us to places we never knew were possible. Trusting in Him to guide our steps and see where we go from here. He created both of us this way and i am not ashamed to say that i am a Christian and a slave. :D 
            ***future post coming when i get a chance about the reaction of my "Christian" friends to a BDSM related blog that they found talking about Christian Domestic Discipline and how it definitely sparked a controversy in me

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