Workout plans and emotions galore!

     So today im super excited because i just got my workout system back from the person that i let borrow it. I had ordered it while i was in college before i had met Master because i knew that it worked, but i never kept up with it past the third or fourth day because it just made me so tired. Now that i have it back and im in desperate need of losing weight, i will be starting it. The good thing is that Master has said that He will more than likely do it with me. It will be interesting to see who can lose more weight, me or Him. Hmmm...sounds like a way to make it interesting and fun maybe to have a bet going as to who loses the most weight and who can lose the most inches around their waist maybe? Anyways, i know that this program is going to push my butt and get me back into shape so im really looking forward to this kick in the pants that i really need. Plus im hoping that by the time that these places im putting in applications for call that i will have lost some weight and be in shape for it (not that im not now, but im not in the best shape that i could be in for the job).
     Speaking of jobs, Master and i have thrown around the topic of Him joining the military. It is a very real possibility because right now things are looking pretty dim for me as far as possibilities and this is all because of some stupid punishment that i received. It's almost like they are saying that i shouldnt be punished and have the appearance of an angel/clean slate or that they misinterpret what my punishment was based on the words they see on the paper. Im hoping that with these next few applications getting ready to go out that i explained things better. Either way, all i got was a verbal and written reprimand and reduced by one pay grade. It's not like people have made mistakes before and it seems people outside of the military are wanting to make me pay for it over and over again. On top of the mistake, they hear about it but the fact that i got out honorably and they  instantly wonder how that is possible. I guess maybe people watch too much JAG or NCIS to have an idea of what my punishment was and think it automatically means that i was punished in a court of law. Ugh sorry, this is ranting im sure but it is still irritating and disheartening to know that because my supervisor was an idiot and wrote me up for something that i had no control over (sleeping on the job due to prescription medication that they knew about and i shouldnt have even been out working that job according to the guidelines that the doctor had set) and then decided to punish me merely because if i wasnt punished then it would look like they were showing favoritism. There is just so much that is highly frustrating and i hate being hindered because of this and now it is at a point of should i tell them or just leave it out and hope that they dont find out about it. But then i run into the fact that if i have to take a polygraph test they can tell by my answer that i did receive disciplinary action. So ugh, im between a rock and a hard place and praying that something comes through. Either way Master may end up joining the military. Selfish me doesnt want Him to because i want Him home, but at the same time i know that the benefits are none other. There is nothing that can compare to it. Plus we want to have another child and with my history we HAVE to have medical coverage. There is no way around that one. Its just hard because i feel like im trying to do my best so that He can stay here, but at the same time i want Him to look into it as a viable option because until the day He goes to be processed and signs that contract, He can always back out and say that He changed His mind and found a better option. Its just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do for us and what we should do. I know that Master has probably run a lot through His head, but things have been so busy lately that we havent had much time to talk about it and these past few days i have been short of locking myself in our room to get some applications done. So who knows, i think i will try to talk to Him about our situation and see what He thinks the future is like for us right now.
     In other news, my baby fever is kicking into high gear and find myself trying not to go crazy. Master and i both made the responsible decision not to try and bring another life into this world right now, especially with the job situation like we mentioned above. Its just trying to get our ducks in a row and plus we have to make sure that we have insurance. Which we do have transitional insurance until November, but then it stops. So we are already looking at insurance and im thinking of getting it through school. Because of my degree, i would already have to pay for the insurance anyways and it covers maternity care and everything. So a part of me is thinking about getting it to ensure that we are covered because at this point im so desperate with need and craving another baby. It's not because our baby is growing up, but to me it is the best gift that i can give Master is to bear His children. His children are amazingly beautiful and just a gift of love for me. Even with the complications we had last time, i know that He loves them and it shows Him that i love Him so much by being willing to carry His child. The part that kills me is that right now i SHOULD be pregnant, but im not.  Funny i know because i know that God had a plan, but it still hurts just the same to know that i was pregnant, but everyone around me (minus Master) was telling me that i wasnt. When i knew that i was over a month late for my period and we had been trying and i had been having the symptoms, i went to the Ob office. The doctor there immediately after the first visit suggested it was just an absence of my period and that he didnt really think i could be pregnant. He pushed for me to take a pill that would jumpstart my period. I refused because in my head and heart i knew that i was pregnant with froggy. Froggy was already fertilized and i knew the signs were there the same as i had with Master and i's first child. But this Ob was adamant i wasnt. He did a blood test and i came in a week later for the results and i was told that it was negative that i wasnt pregnant. Still not convinced and i was still experiencing the symptoms, i requested an ultrasound. A part of me thinks that the ultrasound is what made me miscarry froggy because at one point she was pushing a little hard to try and see things (or maybe i was just imagining it). Either way i was told that there wasnt anything there, but that it wasnt uncommon to not see anything and that it could just be too early. Well with our first child, they didnt show up until i was two months pregnant (by their calculations from the last period date, but by conception it was a month and a half pregnant). So i knew in my heart that i was pregnant. They told me i wasnt and the ob said there wasnt anything he could do and that he really strongly believe that it was just a case of me not having a period due to coming off birth control. I had been off the birth control for 6 weeks and everything had remained normal after coming off.
    So the kicker to the story about the whole being pregnant thing is that i recently requested a copy of my records from the Ob office since Master and i have moved away and i need them for when we get pregnant again wherever we will be living. The results showed that they tested them in a lab and that they had found a small amount of HcG in my system. Now it wasnt enough for them to prove positive for the test, but after telling them that i didnt show up initially with the right HcG levels for my first they should have taken this as a sign that i was pregnant instead of telling me that i wasnt. Their borders for saying it was a positive test was 5 and my levels were at 3.66. Now i know that there are rare times a body can produce HcG, but i know that when i am not pregnant my levels are below 1. So please tell me how i can not be pregnant, but have a level of almost 4 HcG in my system!!! It left me devastated and furious that everybody was telling me that i was crazy but here the results were saying that i was right and that my body was telling me the right thing in that i was pregnant. Seeing other people with babies now just makes me want one and miss froggy. It makes me wonder what froggy would have been like and how the pregnancy would have played out. It just sucks because Master and i both want one and thanks to me we cant have one right now. If things hadnt happened to me i would still have a job and we would both be able to enjoy the process of me being pregnant again.

     So enough of the woe is me with the pregnancy wants and desires. Lately Master and i have been having a lot of very great sex. It has been both amazing and breath taking to say the least. Not that the encounters before havent been with us, but these have been even better. It seems that He knows just how to hit the right spot. He has hit further and further every night. The feeling is an amazing feeling between pleasure and just a little bit of pain from the unexpected hit deep inside His pussy. I dont know if He has been doing anything different or if it is just me and that my body loves having His cock in it or what but it feels amazing. Then He adds in the little bit of Him dominating me by just pounding into His pussy and then forcing me to clean Him off and everything. It is just an amazing feeling to know just how loved i am by the way He dominates me. Last night i found myself putting myself into another position for Him. It is hard for me to just do things, so it takes me a little bit to build up to it and last night was no different. It was a clear war going on in my head with one half of me saying go ahead and do it (more than likely the dirty little slutty side of me) and then the other half was saying no dont do it because its wrong and not what you should do (the sheltered person inside of me). It was hard because i was brought up to believe one way and it is hard to be comfortable in my body. Now, i am slowly trying to get out of that mindset and get comfortable with getting naked for Master and giving myself to Him. Last night it took me a few minutes to get things ready and a few more minutes to convince my mind that i could do it and that He would not laugh at me. He came out and instantly began to play with His toy. Thats what my body was to Him last night, His toy to use and abuse and play with as He pleased. He teased me and toyed with me and fucked me and fingered me and just pushed my His body to ends that i had no idea that it could go to. There were ties left out for Him and He used them to put me in a loose hogtie of some sorts (or so it felt that way). Then i was blindfolded and for the rest of the night i found myself wondering what was going to happen next. He used clothespins on my  His nipples and tried on my His pussy lips. Oh my word did the ones on the pussy lips hurt! He left them on for maybe a second but to me it seemed like an eternity. It may be a little while before i can get my His body to where it can take clothespins down there, but i know one day it will be able to handle it. He also used a vibrator and ice on His pussy and nipples. Oh my gosh it was crazy feeling and today my His nipples have been a little sensitive from the play that they received last night. It was so amazing last night that Master had me begging Him to play with His slut and to fuck His slut with His cock. Now this is a big step for me because it is hard for me to say the word cock because i was raised to believe it was a dirty word. Not to mention that added benefit is that He makes me sleep like a baby because He wears my body out. He knows how to push my buttons while giving my body the best workout ever! 

 So with my new found knowledge that i like the idea of being put into a position or putting myself into position myself for Him, i plan on asking as that being part of things....starting in some sort of position or that i have to come up with some way to present myself to Him at a certain time every night (unless something happens and i tell Him when we first come into bed that night). That it helps get me into the mindset. Now, i know that it is more of a thing for slaves but it really does help me. It is helping me to break the barrier of getting into the mindset of Master loves my body the way it is and has seen it at its best and worst. He loves me for who i am and i need to remember that. This will help me remember my position while also creating an amazing view for Master because He may never know how i will dress or present myself for the night for Him. There are so many different things i could do and who knows He may invent a few too. Wish me luck because i already have an idea in my head for tonight, just not sure which one id like to do. :) Heres to embracing a new side of me that may be a little late in coming out, but my belief is better late than never right? :D

***none of the pictures used are mine but were found using google***

Moment of clarity or breakthrough thought process?

    So today has been a self thought type of day. There has been a lot of mumbo jumbo running around in my brain and it is hard trying to discern everything and figure out what is what. This may be a long rambling post, but the good thing about this being a blog for me is that i'm writing this to get it out there and if someone doesnt like it they can always move on to the next bdsm/lifestyle blog right? Call me calloused after saying that, but i feel that in my life i have done a lot of caring about what other people think. After a conversation last night with my grandfather and the words of Master reverberating through my head over that whatever someone does it isnt up to me to judge them. I can not like it or disagree with it, but ultimately it isnt up to me to decide how it turns out. Now with this being said, i have come to realize that a lot of the times i worry what people think about me and i try not to show too much because i dont want to give people the wrong impression. Master even commented about it and told me that it was almost like i was living in my own little shell when He first met me. He felt that i was so naive and innocent and acted that way. There are a lot of things that i havent done with Him because i was nervous about what if someone found out somehow or something along those lines, but thanks to getting out of my old career i dont have to worry about it as much as i did before. The biggest consequence now is losing a job instead of facing possible jail time for myself.
    Anyways, my mind is made up that once these next few days are over with, i am going to set about becoming the person that Master knows i am inside, the person our baby needs, and a more social butterfly. There are things that i keep putting off and putting off because i just dont feel like it and then i get moments where i have self-loating of how im so fat and i feel like i look horrible. If i feel that way and i really want to do something, it is about time that i get off my lazy butt and start working out and holding myself accountable. This is something i have to do for myself and if Master wants to throw in an added bonus of rewards/punishments then so be it, but for now i am doing this one alone. My mind is made up and Master knows that when i usually make my mind up to something there is not really any changing it. So im curious to see where this road will take me. Starting the day i know Aunt flo has left, i will be working out and keeping track of every little bite that i eat and how i feel and if i take my medicine or not. Right now i have a very high cholesterol and it was a joke or it seemed like one to me before but i realized its not a joke and could kill me in a few years if i dont do something to change it.   

Master and i have discussed my blog post from the other date about how i felt confused and then had a moment of clarity later in the day that i was upset about the circumstances we were in. Earlier tonight i had a subtle reminder when browsing through the K and P section of FL where i saw this writing about a submissive or slave that was upset and her Master reminds her that she submits to Him everything and not just her body. It is up to me to remember this because if not im failing Master and failing Master means i disappoint Him and i dont ever want to do that. My mind, heart, body, soul, cares, worries, fears, everything is His and He has agreed to bear the burden. If He tells me not to worry about something, then i dont need to worry about it. If He says that we will be okay and that if something doesnt come through we will be fine, He knows that somehow we will figure out something and we will all be taken care of. He is the protector of me and our baby and i wouldnt want it any other way.
    This brings me to another point.....Master and i have talked about trying new things in the lifestyle and there are a few things that i'd like to try. Looking on Master's profile to remind myself of what He liked and didnt like and what i was looking to try, i found a few things. These are what Master has said that He likes and is into and i am craving to try it. He has indicated that He likes bondage,rope bondage/suspension, candle wax, and outdoor bondage. All of these seem very exciting to me and of course there is still the unpursued idea of Master having two submissives at His feet and to do with what He wishes. In my mind, i am itching to try this because this would be an amazing experience and a part of me is very curious what it would be like to try everything there is with another girl with Master there of course. The other thing that i havent told Master yet is that i have a craving to possibly go to a munch or a play party. Neither of us has ever talked about it before, but the idea of being around others and just showing how much i love Master and see if they really are like what i have read about. Plus i really would like to see what it is like to see the different aspects of the lifestyle that are shown at these kinds of things and also to be around people that are just like us. Sometimes i feel alone and that is also a part of the new me...with Master's encouragement of course i have put myself out there and am trying to make new friends in the lifestyle. :) So far i have been talking to a couple, but im not sure where things will go with either one of them. Either way if it happens, it happens and if not i know that i did nothing wrong in trying to talk to them. The other thing that i would love to try more of and this is weird coming from me is more anal. The way Master has worked with my ass and how it takes Him hurts but feels good at the same time. The way it hurts is such a good feeling kind of hurt that oh my goodness, i am just drooling about it right now. He has truly made my whole body His that during Aunt flo, i find myself missing Him fucking me like He does. Last night Master had me sucking His cock and He kept running His hand over my ass (i love it when He does that especially when im laying down in bed and writing in my blogger). All i kept thinking was that i wshed He would take my ass and use it for His pleasure. It was weird because i felt like He wanted to, but He was unsure because of whats going on down there. All i kept think was "please Master just pull my shorts down and fuck my ass hard and use me like your submissive". He has called me an anal whore before and oddly enough during the moment i really do feel like one because i love it so much. There is just no way to describe the feeling and i still cant believe im saying i like it before because it used to scare me. Now i find myself wanting it and thinking of maybe trying a butt plug or something along those lines for Master one day. Oh there are so many ideas and im hoping that He knows after reading this just how much i love Him using my body for His pleasure. It makes me feel so good knowing that my ass is giving Him the pleasure that it is, especially during times that He cant really have His pussy. :D He has tried a vibrator in my pussy, i wonder what about my ass and if it feels the same. Wow there are so many different places this could go.

 

(i dont claim any ownership for these pictures, they are found by internet search)

    So my mind is thankfully decluttered now and it is up to Master to see where things go from here. There are no promises that i wont have days where i am not myself, but i plan on getting back to the lil one that Master first met and fell in love with and stay that way. It may be hard at first, but i know that we will get back into the swing of things and get back to being the Master and lil one that we were before our baby came along (not that we arent Master and lil one now, it just feels different). The path will be tough and probably filled with a few punishments/other things, but with Master beside me i know that i will make it. :D The future already looks brighter, even if i dont have any job prospects right now.