Speaking of jobs, Master and i have thrown around the topic of Him joining the military. It is a very real possibility because right now things are looking pretty dim for me as far as possibilities and this is all because of some stupid punishment that i received. It's almost like they are saying that i shouldnt be punished and have the appearance of an angel/clean slate or that they misinterpret what my punishment was based on the words they see on the paper. Im hoping that with these next few applications getting ready to go out that i explained things better. Either way, all i got was a verbal and written reprimand and reduced by one pay grade. It's not like people have made mistakes before and it seems people outside of the military are wanting to make me pay for it over and over again. On top of the mistake, they hear about it but the fact that i got out honorably and they instantly wonder how that is possible. I guess maybe people watch too much JAG or NCIS to have an idea of what my punishment was and think it automatically means that i was punished in a court of law. Ugh sorry, this is ranting im sure but it is still irritating and disheartening to know that because my supervisor was an idiot and wrote me up for something that i had no control over (sleeping on the job due to prescription medication that they knew about and i shouldnt have even been out working that job according to the guidelines that the doctor had set) and then decided to punish me merely because if i wasnt punished then it would look like they were showing favoritism. There is just so much that is highly frustrating and i hate being hindered because of this and now it is at a point of should i tell them or just leave it out and hope that they dont find out about it. But then i run into the fact that if i have to take a polygraph test they can tell by my answer that i did receive disciplinary action. So ugh, im between a rock and a hard place and praying that something comes through. Either way Master may end up joining the military. Selfish me doesnt want Him to because i want Him home, but at the same time i know that the benefits are none other. There is nothing that can compare to it. Plus we want to have another child and with my history we HAVE to have medical coverage. There is no way around that one. Its just hard because i feel like im trying to do my best so that He can stay here, but at the same time i want Him to look into it as a viable option because until the day He goes to be processed and signs that contract, He can always back out and say that He changed His mind and found a better option. Its just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do for us and what we should do. I know that Master has probably run a lot through His head, but things have been so busy lately that we havent had much time to talk about it and these past few days i have been short of locking myself in our room to get some applications done. So who knows, i think i will try to talk to Him about our situation and see what He thinks the future is like for us right now.
In other news, my baby fever is kicking into high gear and find myself trying not to go crazy. Master and i both made the responsible decision not to try and bring another life into this world right now, especially with the job situation like we mentioned above. Its just trying to get our ducks in a row and plus we have to make sure that we have insurance. Which we do have transitional insurance until November, but then it stops. So we are already looking at insurance and im thinking of getting it through school. Because of my degree, i would already have to pay for the insurance anyways and it covers maternity care and everything. So a part of me is thinking about getting it to ensure that we are covered because at this point im so desperate with need and craving another baby. It's not because our baby is growing up, but to me it is the best gift that i can give Master is to bear His children. His children are amazingly beautiful and just a gift of love for me. Even with the complications we had last time, i know that He loves them and it shows Him that i love Him so much by being willing to carry His child. The part that kills me is that right now i SHOULD be pregnant, but im not. Funny i know because i know that God had a plan, but it still hurts just the same to know that i was pregnant, but everyone around me (minus Master) was telling me that i wasnt. When i knew that i was over a month late for my period and we had been trying and i had been having the symptoms, i went to the Ob office. The doctor there immediately after the first visit suggested it was just an absence of my period and that he didnt really think i could be pregnant. He pushed for me to take a pill that would jumpstart my period. I refused because in my head and heart i knew that i was pregnant with froggy. Froggy was already fertilized and i knew the signs were there the same as i had with Master and i's first child. But this Ob was adamant i wasnt. He did a blood test and i came in a week later for the results and i was told that it was negative that i wasnt pregnant. Still not convinced and i was still experiencing the symptoms, i requested an ultrasound. A part of me thinks that the ultrasound is what made me miscarry froggy because at one point she was pushing a little hard to try and see things (or maybe i was just imagining it). Either way i was told that there wasnt anything there, but that it wasnt uncommon to not see anything and that it could just be too early. Well with our first child, they didnt show up until i was two months pregnant (by their calculations from the last period date, but by conception it was a month and a half pregnant). So i knew in my heart that i was pregnant. They told me i wasnt and the ob said there wasnt anything he could do and that he really strongly believe that it was just a case of me not having a period due to coming off birth control. I had been off the birth control for 6 weeks and everything had remained normal after coming off.
So the kicker to the story about the whole being pregnant thing is that i recently requested a copy of my records from the Ob office since Master and i have moved away and i need them for when we get pregnant again wherever we will be living. The results showed that they tested them in a lab and that they had found a small amount of HcG in my system. Now it wasnt enough for them to prove positive for the test, but after telling them that i didnt show up initially with the right HcG levels for my first they should have taken this as a sign that i was pregnant instead of telling me that i wasnt. Their borders for saying it was a positive test was 5 and my levels were at 3.66. Now i know that there are rare times a body can produce HcG, but i know that when i am not pregnant my levels are below 1. So please tell me how i can not be pregnant, but have a level of almost 4 HcG in my system!!! It left me devastated and furious that everybody was telling me that i was crazy but here the results were saying that i was right and that my body was telling me the right thing in that i was pregnant. Seeing other people with babies now just makes me want one and miss froggy. It makes me wonder what froggy would have been like and how the pregnancy would have played out. It just sucks because Master and i both want one and thanks to me we cant have one right now. If things hadnt happened to me i would still have a job and we would both be able to enjoy the process of me being pregnant again.
***none of the pictures used are mine but were found using google***