Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Do I Make You Proud?

   Man what a day. I cant believe just how fast the day has gone by. It seems like I laid down and it was time to wake up again. I love it because he makes the days and nights pass so quickly. I talk to him during the day and then at night then go to sleep. It's amazing.
          Work came early this morning, but oddly enough I wasnt tired. I was more bouncy then anything. It was amazing. I was really happy and all until I got to work this morning. After getting into the store and realizing I wasnt doorhanging with M or N, I got a little sad. I couldnt believe that I wasnt working with them. Looking at the schedule, it said that I was working with Ne. I didnt even know a Ne, but come to find out it was F. My amazing day went from amazing to crap within two seconds. This guy was a complete douche and today it was going to be just me and him doorhanging. Could the day really get any worse?
            Well after me and him left, we went doorhanging at various places. He had us going into businesses and putting flyers on cars. I dont care about doorhanging on houses because there is some danger there, but there is more danger to me of going up to someone's car and into businesses to hand out flyers. I just hated that we had to do that because of the danger in going up to the cars. I guess it's just the really cautious person in me coming out. To top that off, he really pissed me off when he sent me into the parking lot to put flyers on cars there. I was so afraid because I was alone and a girl in such a huge parking lot. In all honesty I was afraid of someone coming up and just grabbing me and pulling me into their car and driving off. The reality of that happening is slim to none but I still hate that thought. It scares me and I guess that's why I was so pissed off about it all. Later he left me to do an entire street by myself while he went down a completely opposite street to doorhang. I was livid. Thankfully I had him to talk to to keep me from going insane and either knocking the crap out of my manager or going off on him.
            After getting off work, I headed to meet up with my friend C to grab some food. It was so yummy and cheap. My whole meal was $4 with tax. I have found that I am very good at shopping thrifty. I talked with him about various things that were going on and even filled him in(only partially) about the new guy in my life. It was amazing as he listened to me talk about him. It was funny because he remarked that he seemed like a really good guy. In my opinion I couldnt believe just how blessed I am to have him in my life and I coveyed that. It was amazing to have a friend not even meet him and already approve and see just why I like him as much as I do.
          I finished lunch with him and then headed over to Mcdonalds where I played on my computer, talking with him and killing time before work. It was amazing talking to him and I felt that more things were coming out. We talked about how I want him to slowly get a little stricter but that I was afraid to ask. After confiding in him that I'd like him to get a little stricter, he mentioned we would talk about it tonight. I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat. He also mentioned again that he didnt want to push me harder then he thought I could take. It's just I'm realizing that I really do trust him a lot and it's easy for me to talk to him. I just have to get used to being able to open up to him and not worry about being judged for what I'm asking or being shy. I just love being his little one and really dont want to disappoint him is my biggest fear. My biggest fear is and always will be that I disappoint someone that I truly care about. I know he says he's not going anywhere but that doesnt change things. We talked though and I know and plan on working on coming out of my shell with him. Already in the short time we've been talking, I've already noticed that I am slowly changing and acting and doing things I never thought I would do. I love it.
         I guess the other realization I came to today was I really do need to start focusing on how things are with and around him versus  around my friends and separate them. With my friends I can easily smart off and get away with it, but around him it's not as easily accepted. I also was reminded by a good friend that it is also counter-intuitive(his word not mine) to what I'm looking for. I want a dom to control me, but I backtalk him when he does. It just doesnt make sense. To me, it's I just am working on getting into the mindset(not that I dont think i already am) and immersing myself into more of the submissive mode. I guess sometimes I think I'm being playful but I guess it can come off as me trying to turn the tables. Fiestiness is okay at times but not every time you turn around. I think I'm really going to work on things. I want to make him proud of me and love hearing him say that he is proud of me. I know that I'll always be his little one, but I want him to always be proud of me.
       I have new goals now and cant wait to work on achieving them. These are different then my everyday normal life goals, but I know that I can do them. I really do notice a good change in me and it's really helping my self-confidence levels and everything. I also love the fact that I'm not hiding who I am any longer(if looked at reasonably in public there would probably be little signs only detectable by those in the lifestyle I think maybe). I am finally going to be able to embrace myself and the one thought that is here in my mind alot is to finally be in his arms and to hear him say "hello little one". Hearing it over cam is one thing, but in person I know I will be unsure, but i have no doubt that I am already his heart and soul(much like the story I found yesterday that described how I feel about things). I dont know how to explain it but I dont care. I dont need to and I love it all. I just cant wait to finally take that step and embrace who I am when I finally meet him. The day just cant come fast enough for me. Until then, I get to work my hardest and continue to make him proud.
        My anxiousness of hiim getting stricter keeps growing, but I also found out that he has a new punishment in mind that i dont think I want to test. It has nothing to do with facebook. It is torture of another kind for me. I am not one to usually be able to sit still for long periods time, much like he has noticed of me whenever we talk on cam. I dont sit still for very long, usually 15-20 minutes at most. Well, his new creative punishment is 30 minutes in standard position in only a bra and underware. That would kill me, much like the other one did when I had to do it for 10 minutes. I was hyped up on sugar and could barely make it to the time. I am not sure what will happen when I have 30 minutes because in all honesty I know it will come, but I just dont know when. I cant wait to see him though. Ugh, the days just cant pass by fast enough. He also found out something else that I respond to aside from little one, the use of my middle name. It's weird for me because my mom never used it, but today he's used it a couple times and I've responded to it...thinking I was in trouble, when he was just checking on me. Oh well, guess we shall find out when it's used in person.

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