Thursday, April 15, 2010

First Task Nerves....

   Man what a day. It seems my emotions were all over the place. They went from happy go lucky to upset and pissed in the matter of minutes. The majority of the day I was happy, starting with talking with him this morning. My mornings are always good when I get to hear from him in all honesty. It just lets me know that someone is thinking of me and hoping that i have a good day.
       I left for work and was running a little bit behind, but just my luck the printer at our apartment wasnt working so I had no insurance card. I had to call my mom to get an updated one, but she never got back to me until I got into the store. i got to the store and much to my surprise I thought I was going to be lucky and not have to doorhang at all. I had no such luck! After cranking out the 60 something pizzas between all the orders we had this morning, I had the best of luck to go out again with the dumbass manager. He has a way of pissing me off to no end when we doorhang. Well today was another business day, especially since we were handing out business appreciation flyers. Although today he almost had us arrested. His dumbass decided to put flyers on the cars in this parking lot where the sign on the door clearly said "No soliciting. police will be called." on the door. It was stupid. I told hiim that it wasnt a good idea to do that and the police would be called. His answer to this was that we "werent soliciting because we werent talking a product up". I felt like smacking the crap out of him but avoided it.
       Well I finally got done with him and then headed out to McDonalds to kill time. I couldnt meet up with my mom til later but I was going to get the insurance card from her in person. It would just be easier that way and I could go ahead and give her the $20 for part of my insurance payment due this month.
   I hung out in McDonalds and was playing around, when I suddenly heard the news talk about an explosion in Afghanistan. I have to admit that my heart suddenly leapt in my chest because my big brother is over there. I couldnt believe the news was talking about an explosion there and I wondered if he was close to it. I immediately tried talking to my aunt or cousin to find out where the knew he was last. I finally found out by means of a friend who knew how to find out that he was fine. The causalties were actually German soldiers and not American. I cant say what a relief it was to find out that he wasnt hurt and was safe. I dont know what would happen if I found out that my big brother was hurt. This just started the emotional rollar coaster ride for the day.
        After that I met up with a friend. This guy, I cant believe how much he has changed from that night. I still cant believe that almost 3 years ago, he wanted to take his own life. I remember being so scared for him that I just went out to help him. Through our talks that night I remember he had already had plans to kill himself, it was just a matter of time that night of him doing it. I remember that i was the only one that dropped everything to listen to him and his problems because in all honesty, my problems at the time seemed way less compared to his if his were that bad to commit suicide. He is amazing today and me and him are so close. I remember and to this day these words make me feel proud even though I didnt really think, I just acted....but a police officer told me when talking to me that "you might have just saved his life by talking with him and walking around and listening to him. If he already knew that he was going to kill himself, you just stopped it from happening". I dont think I ever want to hear those words again, but to see him happy and just amazingly go lucky today I cant believe how amazing things are. I remember that and it inspires me when things in my life get bad.
            Anyways...I met up with him at a chinese restaurant and had some chinese food for lunch. Man it was amazing and good. He talked with me and we caught up about various things. He is slowly getting his life back together from what it used to be. It was funny because he made the comment towards the end of dinner that I was "the kinkiest I've ever been". I couldnt believe he made this comment because I dont think he truly realized what I was into. I hadnt done anything that I thought of to give away that I was into the lifestyle. I have to admit that I was being quite a smartass to him and he thought it was hilarious. But I couldnt believe that he said this. He had no idea, but was thinking I was kinky. Wow, this made me wonder if it really was all that obvious to people around me. Oh well, I know I'm happy so its all good.
         After hanging out with him, I went to my mom's work where I got lectured, or well to put it nicely I had advice given to me, from one of my mom's coworkers at the police department. I hate in a way how she had told him how I had lost my full ride scholarships and all, but I just dont feel comfortable explaining more in depth that it was due to circumstances beyond my control and bad choices. The two combined didnt make for good times for my scholarships. But I felt that I was doing what was right for me and would help me out in the long run. I'm still going to continue with school, I just have to do it on a different route. Although I have to admit that he did give me a good idea. With all the jerking around that my recruiter keeps giving me and the fact that the military isnt taking a lot of people, I technically can back out of my contract and enlist in a different branch. I guess he just added a lot to my plate and really made me wonder what I should do now. If other people are second guessing my choice and saying that I should look around, am I really not seeing the bigger picture that they see? I just dont know, but I guess it cant hurt to gather some information for now in case things fall through.
      But on top of adding stress to that, I went to visit my dad with my mother. It was so hard to do this because upon talking with my dad the first thing wasnt how are you, it was make sure you pay your insurance because if you dont then you hand us the keys and all. i mean I'm not one to be extremely mushy gushy and all, but this was my dad. Instead of saying hi to his own daughter, he decides to lecture her about the car. I just couldnt believe it and it really upset me. I felt hurt. I just dont feel that he is proud of me or anything. I just dont know what I am to him anymore. I dont even feel like a daughter really. It's kind of like I've turned into someone that has borrowed money from him and he wants it paid all now. I hate it and it's killing me in all honesty. On top of this, when it was time for him to go, I didnt get any kind of goodbye. My mom got a kiss and i didnt even get a hug or even a simple "goodbye". I hate this and feel that I want to shed so many tears because I feel that our relationship is going downhill and I dont know what to do. I want that relationship with my parents, but at the same time I dont want to lose anymore sleep or cry anymore tears over how my parents treat me. It's like they're all nice and lovey around others, but when it comes time for the true emotions to show, they rear their ugly head and insist the world revolves around them. I just feel that I'm going to cry and I dont want to anymore. I cant shed anymore tears over them. It's just not worth it to me, or at least it seems right now.
   Well after leaving my mom, I headed to work and spent the night delivering pizzas. I hated it because we could only deliver one pizza at a time tonight. This meant the chance for a good night of tips was extremely slim. My thoughts would be later proven right at the end of the night. I ended up making only $19 tonight, which I'm not disappointed about because it's $19 that I didnt have before work. I felt exhausted after getting off work, but couldnt wait to get home and relax. I knew I was going for a nice relaxing run though because I feel that I have been so stressed out lately with my parents adding things on for my insurance and everything else. It just never ends with things. On top of that, I'm now stressed because I may have my license suspended if he files a claim with my insurance because the police weren't called because of the accident. I just feel like my whole world is unraveling before me. But the good thing I have noticed, is that when things start to unravel, he's always there to help me feel happy again and to ravel the pieces back up and put them where they go. He always wants to make sure I'm happy and hates to see me upset when it comes to my parents. I just, it amazes me everytime he makes me laugh or smile. He sends me messages just because and makes me laugh just so he can see my smile. I've never had someone care so much about me, but I also feel so connected to him too. i dont quite know how to explain it.
        Speaking of him, I'm excited because I have a task to do for him. I cant wait to do it and have started tonight, but it seems that today just isnt my lucky day. I get to write about what i think our first meeting will be like and what we will do. So far, i have a little bit done but I cant wait to finisih it so that he can read it. I hope he likes it, but there may be some editing done here shortly because I dont like the way I started it out. Oh well, I hope he just likes it period. I'm anxious about it, but I hope he likes my ideas. I've never done this before and have a few ideas, but I hope he doesnt get shocked or anything about what I'm thinking about.

No comments:

Post a Comment