Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lessons Learned from an unlikely source

   Wow, what a day! I cant believe it, filled with both good and bad and just unforgettable. I love every day and learned some very important lessons in what otherwise would have been a long day.
    Well, where does any good day start, but other then the wake up in the morning. I woke up this morning and didnt feel good, but decided to push through and go to work anyway. I think it was more of a good thing that I decided to go to work. I got there and we had seventy five pizzas backed up for one order for an emergency organization and then an additional twenty or so pizzas for a few other orders that had come in. It was crazy and I dont think I have ever sweated so much working as I did. The good thing was, I didnt have to deal with my manager nitpicking over how many toppings I was putting on the pizza. I was thankful for that because I just didnt want to deal with him today.
    I started out on the make line and was keeping up. I would put the vegetable and all kind of toppings on the pizza and then pass it onto R to where he would cheese it and then rack it up. I was having a lot of fun and it was cool that I was easily keeping up. Most of the other drivers dont really pay attention to what the orders are or take their time, slowing things down. I was glad. I stacked all the pizzas up ahead of time and sauced them as we gained more people. It made the making of the pizzas so much faster, until my idiot manager didnt realize we needed 15 orders of breadsticks instead of 10. He's just so clueless sometimes.
   Well anyways, enough complaining about something you cannot change. I do have to admit that I experienced just what my other coworkers were talking about when it came to my managers imaginary "friend". He was standing on the make line talking in a hushed tone to nobody that was there and he definitely wasnt talking to me. I have to admit that it was extremely creepy. I was a little creeped out by it. The funny thing was, he asked me about doorhanging after we got done handing out all those orders. I feel bad that i lied to him, but there was no way that I could stay because I had errands that I had to run and I didnt want to be doorhanging at the hottest part of the day. I told him I was doing something with my mother. He seemed to not like that, but I had a lot to take care of before I had to be back at work tonight and I just dont think it's wise to be outside for about two hours doorhanging at the hottest part of the day.
    After leaving work, I headed to the post office to drop off my cell phone. I'm so excited and nervous because I sold it on craigslist. I have bought from someone before but never sold on craigslist. I'm totally trusting that these people wont rip me off, but I have a good feeling. I mailed off the phone though and they are sending me a check in the mail. I have reservations about it though because the check will be getting here while I'm away. I just dont like knowing there will be a check sitting in mailbox until I get back. Oh well, such is life and I'm sure they know not to make it obvious. I hope they dont laugh at my box and how it's taped together. I had to use duct tape to keep it from coming open, but the cool thing was that it was colored duct tape.
    Well after dropping off the package, I headed to goodwill and checked in there for a pair of khaki shorts. After this morning I knew I needed to find a pair of shorts and I had made $15 in tips today that I wasnt planning on making at all. I found quite a few pair of shorts, and even found a pair that were somewhat business casual. I liked them and tried them on. Out of all the ones I grabbed, they fit the best and could look business and professional too. I loved the way they looked and because they were the only ones I found, I figured I would let myself get either a shirt or skirt. Well I thought maybe I would find a nice skirt and surprise him by wearing it when I go down to see him because it wouldnt be one he has seen me in. I ended up finding this really cute shirt. I thought I would try it for grins and giggles pretty much. It was amazing and when I tried it on, it fit just right and curved in all the right places. I decided to get it, sending a picture to him to see what he thought. He told me he felt that it was a cute shirt and that it could be dressed up or dressed down either way you looked at it. I cant wait for him to see me wear it in person, I hope he likes it.
    After finishing up my shopping, I headed to my traditional hangout, McDonalds. It was so much fun, not really but it's a quiet place where I can make phone calls and just get things taken care of. I got there and got to talk to him. It was so much fun because time seems to fly by everytime I'm talking with him whether its by text or talking or even chatting on messenger. I got there and had to take up a bigger table because there was another lady in my usual chair. I climbed on up and got comfy. I was perusing through the sites, checking emails and decided to finish reading the story I had started last night. It was a great story from The Writings of Leviticus and I learned a lot of different lessons from "Your Master Requires Your Presence" by Jack Peacock.
    The first lesson I learned had to do with how your Master is always present. It was interesting because I know sometimes in the past I struggled with debating on doing something because I felt he wouldnt find out about it. I know this is wrong because he does always find out and it may not be right away, but he will find out. I think a part of it would be i would feel so horribly guilty if I went and did something behind his back anyways that I just couldnt bring myself to do it. It was interesting because part of the story was talking about how there is always something you have that will be a small reminder of him with you, whether a bracelet or a locket or necklace or even a pair of earrings that represent him and everything about him. By thinking of that necklace or other jewelry item, it allows you to remember him and use it to reinforce you on the submissive desires you as a person have. I felt this was very true and it got me to thinking about when he had shown me a picture of a necklace. Whatever he gives to me, if anything, in the future is a symbol of his ownership and that he is always present, even in my desires.
    But the most important line in the story that I read talked about how "your Master is always present, even when he is not with you. Your attitude should always reflect that idea. You do not act one way when he is present, another when he is absent". I knew this was true because you shouldnt ever act one way with your master/dom and another when he's not around. It turns you into someone who is two-faced and a liar. I know from experience lying to him can bring bad consequences (and just to think that the punishment for that was before we have truly delved into anything) and that I dont like doing it as a human being either (even though there are certain times it is okay to avoid hurting someone's feelings in a harsh way, but that is a topic for a later discussion). I realized that I shouldnt do things or act any different then if he was watching me every minute of the day. It was a pretty eye opening lesson from a fictional story.
    My next lesson from the story was about how you handle situations that test your comfort levels. In the story, the slave was at a school being punished for running away from her master. Part of the training on teaching her how to please her master was where the submissives and slaves had to kneel in front of a mirror in position and not move at all. It was where they look at themselves and see who you really are. By facing who you really are, you realize just how dependent you are on the master/dom. It was also said that it was a test to see how well you handle orders that you dont like. If you can handle it despite how uncomfortable it makes you, it shows just how well you are willing to obey. It was amazing because I didnt realize that by obeying him, even if it's silly or uncomfortable, was showing him just how much I was willing to try and please him.
    Amazing lesson number three was interesting to say the least. The story was talking about a master and why he is a dominant instead of a submissive, basically a why he is like he is description. There were two parts here that described why a dominant male does what he does and it amazed me. One part said that "men want to dominate, to master, because they are insecure. They want to control their environment. They want to control anything and everything that affects their lives. They want to be sure what they have today they will also have tomorrow", while the other said that "but he also wants to know you will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. He wants you to be the friend who's always there, the one he can share his secrets with, the one he can trust....He has to trust you as well, trust that you will keep his secrets, trust that you will be there for him, trust that you wont walk out or turn on him. He wants a woman he can spend a lifetime with, but he has that craving for control, to make sure everything is done his way. Who can best answer that need? Someone who loves him, is devoted to him, wants to serve him, take care of him, but also someone who will obey him, defer to his judgement, be it right or wrong, someone who can allow herself to become dependent on him. What type of woman would best be suited to a role like that?"
    I cant believe just how much that whole section really hit home for me. I learned so many things about how his mind works. I didnt realize that he had issues where he had to make sure that I wouldnt run out and turn on him. I realized that he has to trust me on a higher level then how I trust him. I do have to trust him, but everything that he goes through is more. He holds the balance with everything and has to make sure that everything is fine tuned. I never knew how the other side worked, but I see that he has the way more complex side then me. I simply have to trust in him that he is making the right choice in things and make sure he is happy. I mean I know there are underlying things too, but I know nothing is as important as how he has to handle everything. I think after reading this passage, it made me appreciate him that much more and all the choices he makes. I trust that he knows whats best for me and accept it at that. I know that I may not always fully accept it by arguing or just being a little bit fiesty, but I understand now that he has so much more on his shoulders.
    After talking about the why is the male dominant like he is, there is also the lesson about what happens when you defy him. By defying him (here it was talked about in the extreme like running away from him or something else), I took away the one thing that was guaranteed for him in this changing world, the control and knowing that I would always be there for him. I know (and really hope) that he doesnt want to lose what he has, and that by defying him I take away a small piece of his certainty. I just dont want to do that, I mean I know that with my learning process I will for sure be getting into trouble, but at the same time I have realized that I'm going to try my hardest to not forget what I learned.
    One of the most amazing and I think mind splitting lessons that I had from this story was talking about how our submission affects him. i never realized that there was so much more then just be simply submitting to him. THere is a whole power exchange, even if its small its still there, and it has so many different aspects. My submission to him is much greater then I could imagine. By submitting to him, i know and accept that he is in full charge of me and that he can make me do whatever he wishes. The one thing I didnt know was that it is addicting for him in the way things more. The more control of me he gets, the more he wants and that the attraction of this factor increases tenfold. It's more powerful then the attraction in a regular vanilla relationship. With this concept too, I learned that even if I wanted to or if he wanted to, we simply couldnt walk away from each other. Both of us are fulfilling dreams that the ohter has had and that much like it says "his dominance holds you to him, so your submission holds him to you", my submission to him holds him to me, and his dominance of me holds me to him.
    The other good lesson I learned was where it talked about how his control in exercised for me even in the little ways. I never really understood the need for simple little rules, but I knew that some were for practical reasons while others are just plain evil it seems. After thinking about it and rereading the passage talking about the little rules showing his dominance too, I realized why he wants me to check in and wants to know whats going on during the day. I thought the check in is silly at the beginning, but now I see that it serves as a two fold purpose. It allows him to see what's going on in my day to day life, but it also lets him know that I'm safe. Working my job, I know that it isnt a very safe job and working in a somewhat shady section of town doesnt add either. Knowing that he is there on the other end of the line, always ready to take care of me no matter what happens is a calming and amazing feeling. I realized though after reading the story that even though the check in or the other little things he has me do that I might not notice are a way he is showing his dominance over me. It helps to reassure him what the roles are (and he may not need the reassurance but its still there unspoken) and that they wont change, which is good to know with everything else in the world changing around us. I also like it now too, because to me it lets me do something for him just the way he wants it.
    I cant believe that this one little story could have so many lessons in it. I'm not totally sure if I'm grasping the meaning behind the lessons they mention the slaves in the story learn, but for some reason I feel that it can also apply to real life situations, especially with how this lifestyle was talking about it. I just cant believe how much this hit home. I realized that I definitely want to try a lot harder to not get into trouble and just do what he wishes of me. I also realized that no matter what he does, whether it's giving me a hard time to just messing around me and wanting to see me lay a certain way, I can do it. Before I would laugh and joke it off (and at this point not making any guarantees that my rebellious side wont come out every now and then) when he was wanting something, but I feel that now if he wants something I am more then willing to do it. I know time will truly tell whether or not I can keep this feeling (which I dont doubt I will because I'm going to keep this story to make sure I always am able to remember the lessons in it) but I hope that I do. I know that I will always have the need to please him and make sure he is happy, which means doing anything he wishes. I know things are still developing, but after tonight I really cant wait to see where things grow. I find mysel growing and changing and becoming more and more accustomed to things in the lifestyle. I wonder just how much I have changed and learned so far though. I cant wait to get his thoughts on all this and what he thinks.
    Anyways...after reading all of this and realizing all the different lessons this one story I had to offer, I couldnt believe it was time to head back to work. I stopped and got gas and the cheap gas station after changing into my shorts. It was going to be a long night again, I could feel it. I got to the store and of course it was single run thursdays. I hate that day, but oh well what can you do. I had a lot of fun and kept going on run after run. It felt good to get out of the store and the shorts definitely kept me from getting hotter then I could have been. I had been wearing pants and two shirts, but was now wearing a pair of shorts and my two shirts. I finished up the night, exhausted after the long day, but realizing there are some good things ahead.
    This weekend is going to be amazing! I only have two more days as of today until I get to see him. I'm so excited it's just amazing!! I also cant believe that the time is finally here. I'm just debating if I want to go cowgirl on him or not when I come down. I think I may wait a couple days for that one, but I do know I was told to bring a variety of clothes to change into. I'm guessing he may be picking out what I'm wearing for the day. But I cant wait to see him finally. I also cant wait to get my new phone too. It's exciting and I hope I get to play with it a little bit, partially because I will have to use it when I get there with my other phone falling apart on me and not holding a charge. I just am ready for the weekend to be over with, but am sad that softball games have been canceled until further notice due to flooding. Oh well, I'm off to bed. It's been a long day and I think I've had a lot of thinking and growing in one day too. I wonder what tomorrow will have in store...  

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