Saturday, May 8, 2010

Philosophical Thoughts from Me

   Man today just seems to have droaned on. I wanted it to be over with so badly because then it meant I was one day closer to seeing him. I cant believe that it's now only tomorrow standing in the way of me seeing him.
    Well this morning started off like no other. I slept in a little later then usual after sleeping off and on all night long. I didnt have any bad dreams this time thankfully, but I just woke up off and on. I guess after everything and the fact that it's getting closer to when I finally get to meet him. I woke up right as I got a good morning text message from him. I'm really loving those so much. It shows that he thinks about me every morning.
    After waking up, I went into the kitchen, thinking I was going to fix myself somethign to eat. I changed my mind though after not really finding anything to eat. I was headed back to my room when I smelled something weird. I didnt really think anything of it til I came out with my laundry, which was one thing on my list of things to do today. It smelled funny and I knew I knew that smell, I just couldnt remember where. Well, I realized what it was and that it was weed. Instant realization striking me, I knew that this was possibly bad for both me and the other two roomies. After texting him, he suggested I talk with the office management. Realizing that he was right, I told him I would talk to her first before ratting her out to management. I guess it's ingrained in my personality that I hate being seen as a tattle tale, or I forget what the other word is. I just know that no matter what I cant get into any kind of trouble with her smoking drugs in the apartment, especially since the apartment does checks to make sure things are working routinely.
    Anyways, after this I decided to take a shower and get ready to face the day. I finished up my shower and cleaned up my cart. I got so distracted in cleaning my car and making sure everything was getting done that I forgot to text him. I felt horrible because I immediately knew what I had done wrong. I felt horrible. I hate it when I upset him and I hated this even worse. I know to text him and let him know when I get busy doing things, but for some reason today I just didnt remember it. I hate that I get so absent minded at times because I really dont mean to forget to text him and let him know, especially because I know he worries that something has happened when he hasnt heard from me. I felt horrible that I could forget and told him I'd do anything to make it better. I was told my punishment was that I wasnt allowed to talk to him until he messaged me. I hate it, but I know that I deserve it so I get to grin and bear it. I have to admit though that the worst part of this punishment though is knowing that I screwed up at something I should know by now. I cant believe I didnt message him! I know I really need to ingrain it in my brain that I shouldnt get so caught up in what I'm doing without letting him know what's going on. I just feel so horrible and guilty that I could be so stupid. I honestly felt small and wanted to cry because I had upset him.
    I guess my major point that I hate in my trouble situation is that I tried so hard to get where I am. I know some of the rules of what's expected of me, but I could easily break something this easy. I just feel like I get so far and then something like this happens and its like taking two steps back. I feel that when something like this happens that I really do disappoint him. I hate disappointing anyone, especially him and I feel that with my absent mindedness I did just that. it makes me wonder if he thinks of it as I really dont care about him at that moment, because I really do. He is in my thoughts constantly. I just get too caught up in things that I'm doing for him that I forget to let him know what's going on since he isnt here to see. I wish I knew how to fix my somewhat absentmindedness. I cant keep doing this because it tortures me everytime it happens.
    My next plan for the day after cleaning my car and starting my laundry was heading across the street to get some groceries and to print out some documents for my own knowledge. I know that the stories that I read should be kept close at hand so I can remember the important lessons in them. Before I went though, I did some more research to find some other important articles that I needed to bear in mind too. I got those and headed off to the library and the grocery store, conscious of the fact that I had let hiim down and I still hadnt heard from him yet. I decided to check the library hours before heading across the street for groceries and found the library was going to be closed the next two days during the weekend. Well this ruined my plan of getting everything printed before I left Monday, but I can easily go and print things off before I leave on Monday on my way to pick up my medicine.
    Anyways, I found some interesting things that I'm going to make sure to   put in my book before I leave. I love being so organized like this and am glad that my organization skills are coming in handy. My mom used to make fun of me for it, but I know with my type of memory and absentmindedness, this will really help me keep track of various things and to be honest, I think it makes buying things that much more easier. It allows you to know various sizes and other things. I'm curious as to what he will think when he sees it, but I really hope he likes how well it's organized and everything I've done with it. It's still a work and progress and only just started, but I hope to see it grow as things progress and my years progress.
    I went to Walmart instead for my activity of the day, deciding to choose my items for dinner. I wanted something simple, but I also wanted something that would last me for two days because I didnt want to spend any extra money tomorrow that I didnt have. I'm already saving gas money by riding to church with my friend Josh. I am excited to get tomorrow over with too because it will finally be time for me to meet him. I am so nervous and excited. But anyways, enough of that for now and back to my walmart trip. I ended up grabbing some biscuits, peanut butter cracker packs for future snacks for when I work later, lettuce, eggs, brownie mix, and macaroni and cheese. I was surprised that all of this only came to $5 and some change. Normally anything like that would have been about $8-10, but I went for the deals. I'm very thrifty at shopping and hate spending a ton of money, so I decided to go with the cheaper version of things. I was excited though because this was my cheapest grocery visit to Wal-Mart ever. I am so proud and it was amazing because he was shocked and just how cheap I got away with at Wal-Mart, especially when I told him I got the good brand of brownie mix for $0.75.
    After heading home, I went ahead and began fixing my dinner. I had been talking to him again for about 30 minutes to an hour, but the rest of my punishment was that I wasnt allowed to see him until later tonight. I didnt exactly like it, because I hate not being able to see him for long periods of time, even though it was just last night but to me it feels like forever. I accepted the punishment because I did deserve it. I did the crime and was now doing the time for it.
    I fixed my dinner and it was amazing. I did learn not to try and mix a salad in a container with a lid because after about a minute of mixing the two together, I suddenly found myself with salad all over the counter and in the sink. The lid had somehow come loose and popped off with one of the shakes I had done to it. I couldnt believe it, but i picked up and cleaned up my mess. I was sad that I had lost a little bit of it, but I decided that I was still going to enjoy what i was able to save and keep in the container. I picked it up and finished fixing my plate and headed to eat.
    After eating dinner, I decided that it was time for me to relax for a little bit to let my food digest before going for a run. I love running and the way it makes my body feel. It makes me let go of the stresses of the day or any other stress that I have building up in me as I sweat it away and focus on my run. It's an amazing feeling and I havent felt it in a little bit. I think I'm going to have to make sure that I find time every night to run. I wonder if while I'm visiting him if he would go run with me. I know he's taller then me so he'll be faster, but I wonder if he would help me out. I just know I need to start running every night, not just to get healthy but to get in shape for basic. I also think I'm going to make sure I do a certain number of pushups and situps a night. I'm not sure how many, but I know I'll do enough to make sure they're achieving something.            I found myself listening to songs and had the one song in my head that he had me look up last weekend. The song by Doug Stone called "In a Different Light" was stuck in my head. I tried to get it out of my head but just couldnt. It was something about it and how the guy in the song saw the girl in a different light and all. I just hope and wonder that with everytime I get in trouble if it changes what he thinks of me? I dont want to seem insecure, but I'm always afraid of losing him. It's just I've never felt about someone this way before and I really dont want to lose him. That's my biggest fear and to me it makes me wonder if I kept getting in trouble if he would just give up. I know that I dont think he'll just give up on me, unless it was the one thing that he told me if he ever found out of me doing he would walk away and leave (I would never do that ever!!). I just know that sometimes i get a little insecure, but its weird how he reassures me after my punishments are over that I'm still his little one or how he makes me smile after it's all over. I may be upset, but him wanting me to smile let's me know that it's all okay.
    Well anyways the song got me to think that he really does see me in a different light then everyone else. I love how he is the only one to see me for who I really am and knows me both inside and out. Granted he's still learning things about me, but he knows a lot about the deepest depths of my soul that only two or three people in my life know. I wouldnt change this for all the world because I am truly happy and I am discovering more things about myself then I would have ever thought possible. He has brought out the best characteristics in me that I didnt know I had. I find myself not caring what other people think anymore. I no longer dress like a tomboy(unless I'm feeling somewhat lazy or have to for my meetings). I find myself dressing more girly and walking in places with confidence. I know that I'm okay and that he likes what he sees. It's contagious the confidence he has in me. I even find myself becoming a little more assertive and confident in my abilities at work. I would normally be a person who is so easily walked over, but as I discover who I am, I'm realizing that he's helping me to become a strong person even though to outsiders it may seem like I'm dependent on him. Yes, I'm dependent on him to make the tough choices and to guide me through things, but I also know that he takes into consideration my thoughts and my ideas. I'm not a mindless slave that just does whatever I'm told. I guess the jist of this is I cant believe all the changes I've made and I cant wait to notice more as I continue to grow with him as a submissive and in the relationship as well.
    Today has been crazy and amazing, but I'm ready for it to end so it can bring me one day closer to him. Tomorrow cant seem to get here fast enough as I know Sundays are usually so busy for me that time seems to pass by so quickly that Monday is already here before I know it. I'm counting on it to do the same so I can finally find myself safe in his arms. I know I havent been in his arms yet, but I know that with him I'm safe. The monster in my dreams has disappeared, but I know if he was to reappear, everything would be done to conquer him so I could sleep peacefully. I know at times i may screw up and forget things and disappoint him, but I also know that's the learning process of life. It's how we learn from the mistakes we make that help us to become better. I may be sounding philosophical here, but I just know that once I feel those arms around me for real, and not what I'm imagining they feel like, everything else in the world will seem to fade away like it always does when I'm talking to him. It's just something about him can calm me down when it seems all else is troubling me to the point of breakdown. I have to say that I found a writing this morning and it keeps it in perspective for me, but it's written for the Dom. It's the Dominant version of the Submissive's prayer. It reminds me of his viewpoint of things and what he's thinking about in a way.

A Dominant's Prayer
To the power more powerful then myself,
I was born in a way that has sometimes left me mystified
Always reaching to guide those about me
Needing to know that they are fulfilled before true fulfillment reaches in to caress my soul
I have compromised, in many cases, to allow another to be fulfilled
Wondering all the while how it is that they can not see me first, as I see them
I have found myself pushing away all, in denial of my need to always consider another first
Needing to be the one to consider others more needy then myself
The world about me thinks that giving completely is reserved for those who submit
That serving another is not for the "strong"
How could "they" be so wrong
I love that I am the one who can be turned to
The one to solve a problem
The one to set the direction
The Top
THe Dominant
Please help me to remain focused on this need to walk to the front
To always stop when a searching soul reaches out for a hand up
To always be strong enough to pause when all is insanity
To always surge forward when all has stalled
And to give all of me to becoming ALL
Please help me to know when the hand I extend needs to be soft
When it needs to be harsh
When it is needed to wipe a tear or crush a fear
When it is needed for punishment
And when all that is needed is a hug
Please let me nature push through the world about me that questions
I am a Dom
I can be no other
Let me be ALL that is right

      *****found online and not my writing*******

    Anyways...enough of me on the high horse of being philosophical. I just am ready for this weekend to be over with. I wonder if there will be any new character changes after this weekend. I guess I will have to see because I'm sure I'll be amazed.

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