Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Something weighing on my mind lately

   Communication is one of the single most important things i have found lately. It's crazy that it has been on my mind for the past couple days. I have come to realize that communication isnt just about the right word being said at the right time or even the wrong thing said at the wrong time. It's also about how things are conveyed and interactions in our world with people day to day. I guess this is what has led me to feel like i've been struggling lately.
   The past few days i have felt that i have struggled to adequately communicate to Him just what i was looking for or needing or even feeling In my world i have been through so much hurt and pain and just have become so used to hiding everything. With Him, things are different because i am encouraged to be open and completely honest with Him and if i dont like something or i would like more of something to let Him know. I find that i have struggled with this because i am not used to having anyone there for me at all. Since i could remember i have always had to take care of myself even at a young age. I know this has affected me and im trying to overcome it and work with Him on it, but sometimes i feel that i'm doing so horrible in doing as He asks. It blows my mind a million times at just how patient and understanding He is. He encourages me in little ways and somehow seems to have a sixth sense as to when i'm feeling like i'm failing in everything (although im thinking that all Masters have some sort of sixth sense or at least the really good ones).
   On the communication side of my life, i realize there is still a lot of work to be done. Areas are still being struggled with on how to express myself or that it is okay to say things. Earlier today, my Master was trying to get me (and did with a little bit of coaxing) to say what i liked about what i was doing to Him and His body. It took every bit of me to tell Him what i liked because i had been taught it was wrong to say things like that and had lived such a sheltered life. I find it hard to come right out and say what i want or i beat around the bush, hoping the hint will be caught on because that is how i got by on taking care of myself. It is amazing the changes He has helped produce in me. I feel that there are things that i'm able to admit that i never would have been able to before, but a part of me is still nervous about saying things. I know in this lifestyle, you cant really be shy but it is still in my nature to be shy and try to protect myself. However, He is helping me overcome this feeling of always having to protect myself from others in case they do something to hurt me. I only hope that i can effectively let Him know what i want like when i crave Him being more strict or want to try other things. He cant know what i want unless i tell Him and im realizing that now.
   The other side of the communication for me has to do with my family. I havent had a lot of issues with them in the past, but it seems the closer i get to being independent from my parents and more working on my own life that they bear down on me. Lately the parents have taken to throwing it in my face that i am spending more time with Him then them. Here lies the dilemma because when i lived about forty five minutes from them and went out of my way to see them, they claim that i never spent enough time with them. I think with this, there is a failure to adequately communicate with them as to how things they do make me feel. I know that the day i leave, my parents will probably find themselves with a nasty letter to read. I dont mean it to be this way, but the years of having to take care of myself and do everything on my own have taken its toll. I am so grateful to have a Master as patient as He is because i truly would not be able to say as clearly what im feeling now.
   It seems that life for me has always been filled of its ups and downs but i have noticed that lately most of the downs have been from a miscommunication on my part. I said something the wrong way or havent said anything at all. I know that my personal goal as of today is to work at being able to say what i mean or what i want without being afraid of judgment. I know that it will take a little while, but with Him by my side i know that i can do it.
   The other thing that i have thought about lately (and its amazing the feedback i have been getting from Him on it) is going back to school. I know that once i make it through basic and my job training that i will be eligible and have time to go back to school. I wont be able to go back for up to a year after i start basic. It was amazing though talking about possible career opportunities and hearing for the first time what He feels would be best for me. He encourages me to do whatever it is that i want to, but with me leaning towards the medical field...i have a strong suggestion to become an RN. I'm not totally sure about that, but if He feels that i can make it i know i can. It's amazing to have a feeling of someone believing in me and proud of me always no matter what i do. In the past, my parents questioned my judgments and even talked to each other about how they werent proud of me and that was the worst feeling in the world. It's crazy how my views have shifted and the only person i truly care about pleasing anymore is the only one that matters....my Master and the one person i love that has been there from the beginning.
   I guess enough of getting sentimental on here, but I really am so grateful to have in my life and as my Master. I trust Him beyond a doubt and He knows me so well. It's crazy just how well He knows me and knows just what to say when. When i'm upset or mad at the world, He is the only one able to calm me down, reassure me, and even keep me from going off the deep end and losing my temper. I love Him so much and it's getting harder to not think about leaving Him in two weeks. I know it will be so hard when that goodbye finally comes, but knowing He will be there on graduation day makes it that much more easier. I know i have a lot to work on, but i cant wait to see where i am with Him after i graduate. Until then, im cherishing every minute with my Master and best friend. I only hope that i can do well for Him despite all my worries and up/down emotions and that He can tell i'm trying my best to be the best lil one for Him. 

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