Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mind's in the gutter galore!

Wow, yet another eventful day, but an extremely long day for me. I couldn’t believe how long it has been looking back at it, but thankfully tomorrow wont be as long. It will be just like today was, except a little bit faster because we wont have Shield training tomorrow or pt. (PT got canceled which for me is good because there was a possibility of me running into another pole).

The morning started off uneventful with me waking up on time as usual. The only bad thing was the chow hall had a super massive long line and trying to get through that whole thing was like a madhouse for us. I ended up not even bothering trying to get a hot meal because the line was so long. I chose cereal instead, which would not have been my first choice. I knew I had to eat though especially because He doesn’t like it when I don’t eat and my body doesn’t like it either. The good thing was that I made the smart choice because later this morning I was starving as it got closer to lunch time.

Our flight had bad luck this morning because we constantly got chewed out. Everything we were doing was wrong. We ran into the hallway like we were taught to do and then got yelled at because we were too loud with our “thunderous footsteps”. I laughed at this, but we left on break during the morning and got yelled at by a Master Sergeant for talking in the hallway. We arent allowed to talk in the hallway of the building, do nothing but stand and look straight forward. It was crazy how much this is like going back to BMT, but I can understand because they have classes going on and they don’t want to disturb them.

Anyways, classes let out and we headed to the DFAC for some yummy lunch. I don’t know why but I have been craving huge salads since I have been here and the salad dressing at Mesquite is so much better then what’s available at Live Oak. So I fixed myself a HUGE salad and got some chicken, small helping of mashed potatoes, and a small dessert for lunch. It was so yummy and I couldn’t believe that I was eating all that food. The huge salad hit the spot and it was so healthy. I forgot to mention my new goal is to make sure I pay a little bit more attention to what I’m eating and eat the healthier side of things because we’re not doing PT as much here, even though we run everywhere and into buildings and all.

After lunch, we headed back to class and ended up finishing our class early. Boy I love those days where things end early. It was so amazing especially after we weren’t supposed to be done til about 530 and then have SHIELD at 6. We weren’t going to have anytime to eat and a lot of us were worrying, but I wasn’t really worried. I knew I’d have food and I had let Him know that I wasn’t going to be able to talk until later in the night. I was so happy that He knew though.

We left and come to find out there is no SHIELD today and PT for tomorrow got canceled. Can you say that His necklace was a good luck charm or what because today just seemed to go well for me. I only hope that it continues. Which that reminds me, I’m so glad that I’m in the classroom section of things because it means that I can wear my necklace that He gave me. Yes it has to be hidden but I can wear it with my ABUs. I’m so excited it’s not even funny because everyday that I had to take it off was like I was taking a part of me off.

Thinking of Him today has left me all hot and bothered. Not literally but my mind is in a totally different mindset. Right now it’s mainly bent on I need someone to fuck me right now(sorry about the language Sir). I am so turned on and have been all day that I’m pretty sure I can smell my own odor coming through my pants. It’s crazy because I don’t think I have ever been this turned on before and I’m sure He’s having fun with this, but it’s crazy for me. It’s driving me nuts because I cant do anything to myself or for myself pleasure wise because I am only allowed to do that when I am with Him. He has to be able to see me doing it is the rule and I’m not about to break that rule now. I can honestly say in the past that I have been shy about masturbating in front of Him but after today, I could confidently do it because I am so turned on. It’s pure craziness, but I love my life and I love pleasing Him so my pleasure for now will have to wait until I see Him again. Oh well, I’ve gone at least 12 weeks now without anything, what’s a few more.

Enough of my frustrations…..more to tell on that in a few minutes. I came back to the dorm after having a pretty crappy day and was so ecstatic to get a text message from Him. He is an amazing Master and Dom and knows just when I need to hear from Him. He always knows the right thing to say at the right moment no matter what is going on in my life. It’s crazy though because sometimes those right things to say are not exactly what I want to hear. He tells me the good, the bad, and the ugly. He doesn’t spare me any of the glory just because He thinks I cant handle, unlike the males here who seem to be babying all of us females. I always love hearing from Him though because it makes my day no matter what.

My other frustration was His evilness that appeared today. He came up with an evil idea to deal with my frustrations at not being able to do anything. I hate His rule of me not being allowed to touch myself in any way, but also love it at the same time. I love the control He has over me. It’s like a story I was reading on a blog about this submissive who battled with herself over whether to use the camp safe word that the camp had. It was crazy because I could see myself having the same internal struggle with Him. When I get into trouble with Him, it’s like I struggle so much within myself to take the punishment because once I do, I know all is right with Him and that He is doing it to teach me. Well, I hate the types of punishments I have had because to me they seem evil and I don’t want to repeat them, but after reading this article I look at them as a teaching tool. It is His way of correcting me. I still always have an internal conflict when it comes to that milisecond when He’s grabbing me and pulling me over His knee. In my head, it’s saying run and the other side of me is saying take it because it wont hurt too bad. I always wondered if anyone else had that kind of struggle, but yet again I find I’m not alone in that.

I have found that many things I have learned from Him are slowly coming back to me as I am slowly coming out of my BMT frame of mind. It seems that things have kind of been put back to the side and not having any of those resources screwed things up. Finally being able to research and read all the blogs and writings that I have missed for so long make it seem like that’s just another part of my life that I’m taking back. I know that no matter what I will always be a submissive with slave tendencies. It’s so crazy but I know this is my personality and who I am meant to be. I’m thru hiding it and here I am only going to continue to embrace it and move forward with my training and my new lifestyle. I cant wait to become Mrs. Brown (wow has a wonderful ring to it!!!!!). Until then, my training is done both here and online for now.

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