So today is one of the first times that I have been able to check out my blog since I have been away. It's hard to believe that it's been about 5 months since I have last seen a lot of my friends and family. I got to see Him before I left, but it just was so hard saying goodbye to Him.
About four weeks ago was the first time we saw each other since I left those eight and a half weeks ago....the longest and hardest part of my journey is over. Thankfully the second phase of the journey is easier. Being able to talk to Him everynight and having Him to calm me down when things here get so frustrating makes it that much more easier. Life here is hard at times from waking up at 4 am and then ramming your elbow into a pole shortly after and calling Him to make sure it's not injured to passing out exhausted on the phone on Him. I wish it wasnt so hard being away from Him though.
To be honest lately I have found myself in conflict with what He has taught me and things that are being taught to me here. I feel like I am regressing so muich and hope that He knows that i'm not doing it on purpose. I am trying so hard to fight from losing myself because I have to keep that side of myself hidden here. It's crazy though how people in the military can show traits all the time of the lifestyle. Comments made here and there about having fun with our issued handcuffs or something along those lines. I love the new job that I have, but i also hate it because i am away from Him. I am so much in love with Him and hate how I am losing myself. I know He tells me all the time that He understands and much like last night, I know there will be some reteaching involved, but I just hate that He has to do it.
I wonder if anyone else has gone through this before?I feel like I have regressed so much and I have to fight and claw not to lose more ground then what I already have. I love Him so much and just would hate to do something to cause Him to not want me(there is only one sure way for that to happen that He has told me). I almost faced that situation earlier this week when i was told words that stopped me in my tracks "you can go back to being under consideration in a heartbeat". I never knew how scary those words could sound to me. Hearing them, I wanted to curl up in a ball on the bed right there and just apologize over and over. I'm trying to hold onto myself with Him and just keep my training, but being here contradicts everything that I do.
I love Him so much and have a new goal of striving my hardest to prove myself and keep my wits about me. I'm determined and feeling hard headed right now that I'm not going to let my situation beat me. I'm going to not let this beat me. I will keep myself and i know for sure that i will continue being His lil one. I'm not going to fight tooth and nail to keep myself. Yes, I may have to hide it somewhat while im here but im thru doing that because this is who i am. Yes I understand that people may not understand it but screw it. I'm not saying im going to be blasting it, but i know what i want with Him and i know that this is what im meant to do and who im supposed to be with-----Him/my Master. He is the only person who's opinion matters and starting today I am putting that into place. I refuse to give up or back down to other people that dont even know me like He does. So starting now, my first and foremost goal is to be His lil one and make sure that He is happy while taking care of myself and getting things done here. From now on, my flight members here I can careless what they think of me. I'm not here to make friends, im here to get a job done so i can get home. If i dont make friends then so be it, because i will always have Him and know that.
I love You so much Master and cant wait to be back in Your arms. You are the most important thing in my life and i will fight tooth and nail before letting You go. My training may seem to be regressing but i promise that i will try my hardest to be the lil one that You knew before i left for basic. Life here will be fun, but i cant wait to enjoy it with you. Being a submissive wife for You is the ultimate happiest moment for me and i am going to strive to make sure you are happy every day. I find myself truly blessed to have You as my Master for as understanding as You are with everything going on. Yes i have moments where i make You mad or upset or have You worried, but i promise i will always love you no matter what. I love You always and am trying my hardest to be that lil one that You want me to be. Anytime you miss me, just think of the song "Come Home Soon" because i'll be coming home soon to You and i always wear the necklace that symbolizes our rings around my neck.
"She's My Kind of Crazy"
"Look baby I'm a rock star"
Grabs my old guitar
Playin' it upside down
In front of our tv
I can't see the ballgame
So I just wave my lighter and say
Yeah, rock on baby
I'd rather watch you anyway
But when you're done
Can I come backstage
And get you to sign your name
On that zeppelin shirt of mine you're wearin'
I'll never wash that thing again
Yeah and she's my kinda crazy
The little games she plays
Lord they'll never get old
She's too cute to get on my last nerve
The way she throws her little fits
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss
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There ain't a fight that she can't win
That's my baby
And she's my kinda crazy
You ought to see her in my pickup
She's gotta have that radio up
Bless her heart, she can't sit still
Head in my lap, bare feet on the windshield
Says, C'mon baby let me drive
Now honey it's a stick shift
Remember what you did last time
She never let's me rest
She keeps me up all night
Known to roll me off the bed
And steal the covers off my side
But I hear, "Wake up sleepy head"
And I open up my eyes
And it's all worth the while
That's my baby
And she's my kinda crazy