Trying to focus on her work, she finds it hard to do. All this knowledge she must know and it seems like it just wont fit. She tries to bury her nose back into her notes, but its just not working. Her brain is on overload and is crying out for a break badly.
Would He be mad at her for not finishing it all? She hoped not. It had started out as a goal for herself to finish them to show Him what all she had accomplished today. Her brain still cries out "no more!" as she longs to just be at home. Her work is wearing her out more then she ever thought possible. After today, her body is screaming for relaxation.
Her notes are important but she finds herself reassuring herself that she has a little bit of time to get everything together before she has to start studying. Her timeline is forty or so days at least until she tests, so why is she worried about it. Thinking about it, she realizes it is because she doesnt want to fail. To her failing is like the ultimate failure and let down. Feeling that how she was raised and always being told that you had to be perfect or this and that wasnt good. Knowing He doesnt expect perfection is a sigh of relief, but she still tries to be for Him.
He has never once expected her to be something she wasnt and she knew He wouldnt change that. He has no problem at all understanding her. The one man she had been looking for all her life and she had found by accident almost. Her life without Him would never be the same and she knows He feels the same about her. Life has a way of throwing obstacles in your way and with the two it was not going to be any different. She turned to Him for support as one of the most special people in her life passed. How could a man know exactly what to say and what to do in a time like that? Simple...He had been there almost a year before with a man who seems to still be talking through his boys.
Almost a year ago, He was in the darkest time of His life. He just had to face the worst thing possible--the death of His father. How does someone get through everyday when the man who was your role model had passed away? She doesnt know how He did it, but after all the stories from family, she is glad it didnt end up worse. Times happen when He gets that look in His eyes and she can tell He is thinking of His father. Thinking to herself, she always wonders what to do? Leave Him alone? No, He usually only gets where He wants to be left alone when He is mad. This is different. So what should she do because lately she feels helpless with those moments. Maybe one day she will ask Him.
Hearing stories of the man that raised Him and things He used to do and say sometimes bring tears to her eyes. This man she never met is a lot like the man who lays beside her every night. This amazing man seemed like the perfect vision of a superhero dad she had always wished for in her dreams. In her prayers every night, she thanks the man above for blessing Him with an amazing father and coach. He raised a polite, confident, responsible man in today's world, which is hard to come by anymore. She wishes she could tell him thank you for raising three well mannered, caring, and respectful men, not just her Master. Even though it isnt possible in person, she knows His father knows and would be happy his son is doing so well.
His family is the place she feels she belongs. She knows His father was an amazing dad and man. Thinking of their future, she knows there are no fears whatsoever if He will make a good father. He is so much like His father, but different in His own way too. Whether our kids are a mixture of girls and boys or one of each, she can see Him being right there to catch them when they fall or dry their eyes when they cry over a lost crush. He is sweet and smart adn always knows just what to say when the time is right. He will be a perfect dad, she has no doubt.
Growing up in her family wasnt easy, especially with how her parents would act and she was the baby. Her parents always told her that what she did wasnt good enough. In school, she was taught that as long as you gave your all into whatever you were doing that you had done well. It is kind of funny that her mom would teach the same thing at Girl Scouts, but she didnt do it with her own daughter. From the age of eight, she knew how to cook a juicy roast, make breaded pork chops, mix up a mouth watering meatloaf and on and on. Living with her parents had merely taught her how to be self-sufficient. They hadnt taught her anything important, except how to forgive people.
Relationships with them breathing down her back meant none of them would ever last, or so she thought. Seeking for someone that was out there who matched waht she wanted and was a good enoguh man was hard in and of itself. However, you add into that crazy mixture someone who was willing to take control from her. All her life xhe had to constantly fight for control of everything, otherwise she was going to end up losing herself. Her first adventure into this brave ner world was quite an adventure. This wannabe promised her things that no man ever could before. But she knew there was a bigger pool out there for her to fish in.
The more she fished around with the first wannabe by message, the more she realized that he was a loser and wasnt what she was looking for. He wasnt wanting to take into account that she did have an opinion about some things and she was going to be able to share it. She wasnt a doormat to just lay there and not use the brain she was given. The good thing was this wannabe had her create a profile (later deleted after she "lost" his number) on one of the best sites out there. To her it was the magical world of never ending possibilities. She could pick where He was from, what age, what nationality and more. The new world that she found herself diving into was an amazing one full of promise and amazement. Before long she realized this wasnt completely true.
The fish werent biting and those that were, 90% of them didnt even deserve a response back. Somehow she had found His profile and decided to take a chance and message Him. Her search had led her outside. the state, but she wanted someone who was not going to treat her as a doormat. Something about His profile drew her in. He was from Georgia and not too far from her. He had pictures that seemed so different then all the others. There was no boasting of this or that anywhere on His profile. Hoping things were real and she wasnt dreaming, she sent Him a message asking if He would like to talk. It was simple and if He didnt want to He could delete it or send her a mean message back to her like others had.
He was anything but mean and the two of them started trading messages over this sit they had met on. All of a suddent, she quit talking. Between finals and working her two jobs, she was exhausted. She logged on one day and went through deleting old messages from all those that were talking to her and just stopped. One set of messages went into the trash that never should have, but it seemed fate was on their side. The two were meant to be together, they just didnt know it yet.
Working through the new semester that started up, she wondered if maybe she should have someone teach her a few things. Life was crazy rough as she had to quit school and work full time to support herself and she was in the process of enlisting. Who would honestly want to start anything with anyone with all this going on? That was too much of a budren to throw on them. She didnt think it was fair. She got to know a guy who agreed to help her, but she wasnt satisfied so she kept looking for Him. She knew He was out there somewhere. Working with her friend, she found this way of life was what she really wanted and she craved it. She didnt want it a few hours at a time, she wanted it all the time.
Before long, she realized it was a little late to try to start anything with her leaving soon. Much to her surprise, fate had other plans. Going through profiles of people who lived close by, she took a chance and decided to message this one guy. Yet again there was something about His profile and it had her stuck on it. She didnt know what it was so she sent Him a message. She laughs looking back on the message still because it was the same one she sent when they started talking the first time. It was a simple question if He would like to talk. Unsure of the response she would get, she logged off for the night.
A few days later, when she finally had mail from Him, He was fine with talking with her some more. It seemed neither one of them remembered talking to each other previously until later. Their talking was going over so well so she asked if He wanted to start talking on an instant messenger. It didnt show her real name, but she didnt care about that aspect with Him. There was something different, but she just couldnt place what it was. As time progressed, she grew so comfortable. Finally one night, it was brought up that He hadnt seen her yet so she answered that request pretty fast. Within seconds, they were talking on Skype and she knew there was something different about Him. She wasnt afraid to reveal herself to Him like she had been before. Somehow she knew from that moment she was in love.
Work the next day seemed to fly by as she chatted with Him. There was just that feeling. Butterflies flew all around her stomach as she heard Him say He felt the same way. He even told her how a coworker had mentioned there was something different about Him. A light to a face that used to be dark. Little did shse know, but He was the light in her darkest hour, just like she was His. He taught her how to trust and was there in her corner when her parents threatened to make her world cave in. He calmed her stormy seas, much like she hopes she did His. Before long, she was His in mind, body, and soul. He had taken her and made her His lil one. He was the one who was going to right her when she did wrong, praise her when she did well, and just be there when she needed a shoulder to cry on.
Looking back now, she realizes that fate has a way of making things work out the way they are supposed to, but they happen in their own time. Not dwelling on it long, she realizes just how lucky she is to have Him in her life and that His father raised Him to be the man of her dreams and everything she wants Him to be.
The future she thinks is going to be crazy hectic and filled with so many more ups and downs. She isnt afraid one bit because she knows that no matter what, He will always be there behind her to cheer her on or to catch her when she falls. There will be stubborn moments and frustrating moments, but their love has stood the tests so far, she has no doubt that it will in the future too.