Wow, today has been amazing and blissful and i wish there were more like it in the future. Today was the first day that Master and i were truly able to just spend together with no running around or having to go here or there to pick up something. Normally work keeps me busy and there is little time for play or just spending time together before it's off to la la land for another long day of work.
Sometimes i feel that running these long hours and not having very much time to spend with Him is crushing me. There are times i wonder if He truly understands just how much i hate having to leave Him, but that i am doing it to help serve my country. Taking this job wasnt easy and it is still a struggle for me. Growing up around the military i always thought it was easy and that people just went around playing soldier all day. Well i guess this is one of the times when growing up slaps you in the face with childhood false ideas.
Everyday i go to work, i put that uniform on. There are a couple holidays everyone was able to enjoy that i was faced with standing there for twelve hour shifts to make sure that people dont take what doesnt belong to them or threaten to cause harm to our country. The job i chose at the time interested me because it never seemed to be the same from day to day, but i was honestly a good ways farther from the truth then i thought. This job is constantly doing the same thing day in and day out, just trying to keep from getting used to everything. Paying attention to the little things and making sure to not get complacent with your surroundings.
All this adds stress to my life that i never thought was possible to handle. Master jokes with me a lot of the time to help cheer me up that when i get stressed out that i could be doing all of this without Him. Truth be told i wouldnt want anyone else other then Him by my side, helping me work through the kinks. Being new to this side of the life of a military family presents challenges and things that i have never known about before. He embraces all them and tries to help as best as He can, but i know that there is often the fear of the unknown, especially with the deployment scare we had not to long ago. Dont get me wrong, i have no problem serving my country but i would honestly like to know my job before someone chooses to send me overseas to use a weapon that i havent shot in about six or seven months or even use defensive tactics that were taught long enough to grasp them. This is the logic in my thinking, but it isnt the logic in the military's way of thinking. Thankfully the planning of the wedding and having those plans already laid out saved me. Along with that, my recent health problems with my knee are enabling me to stay home with Master. You combine those with not having a lot of on the job knowledge compared to other eligible people that have more knowledge then me and i was no longer going.
Still the thought of this scares me. Leaving Master behind everyday, i wonder if this is the right choice. He is my world and i would hate to put Him into a position where He would have to lose me. Watching a show with Him last night on lifetime, i realized that i felt a lot like this man. There was the constant thought of going through training and having to worry about training and just constantly in the mindset of being a soldier. Granted i am able to unwind with Master when i am home, that unknown number calling me always sparks a fear in my heart that it is them calling me back.
These fears seem normal to me, but yet at the same time it makes me more appreciative of the time that i have with family. Lately i have realized that family is the most important thing to me. Master and His family are the few people that i can count on and lean on aside from my few friends in the lifestyle. He is my heart and soul and His family is the few people that have taken me in and cared for me when my own family has left me out there hanging. Thinking of all these thoughts lead me to realize that i am going to try one more time to reconnect with my family(not my sister cause me and her have always been connected) before giving them up. It breaks my heart to say this, but when you receive a better welcome home party and have better support from your husband's family then your own, something is wrong with that picture. My stubborn nature tells me that i cant refuse to give up on that just yet, but there may be hope on the horizon with the actual wedding ceremony approaching fast.
So enough about family and sad sappy thoughts. My thoughts are on something else today and im not sure how to express it. In the past i have written a journal asking to be spanked and just taken advantage of and Master gave me what i asked for and more. That night i got the paddle and was treated like the slut i had been acting like. But now, my thoughts are on providing not just myself but Master too, pleasure. There has always been a fantasy about being taken in the shower and just experiencing everything to do with that. Yes, there is a patience factor, but sometimes i can feel these ideas storming in my head.
The other idea constantly running through my head and it was kind of touched on in another blog that i read avidly, is the topic of spankings and how often they should be done. Lately Master and i have honestly been too busy for the lifestyle most of the time. Yes there have been lifestyle themed sex sessions to where i was His naughty lil slut and fucked like one(sorry but only way to describe the way it happened). That satisfied a part of me, but it seems that we have somewhat lost touch with our lifestyle side. Before i left to join the military, it was noticeable, to me at least, the different aspects of the lifestyle in our day to day lives. He would control me and lots of nights He would surprise me by teasing me with His tongue or ice cubes or just various toys that He had found to play with. Secretly i wonder if those days can come back. Yes, there is not a lot of time to play usually with my crazy hectic work schedule, but i miss the way things used to be.
Honestly, i never thought i would find myself admitting it...but i miss the makeshift nipple clamps, the ice cubes all over my stomach after teasing me for hours, the surprising me by licking me all over down there until i feel like my mind is going to go numb. My brain feels like there is a need for something and i cant quite place it, but i honestly am in wonder if the lifestyle had been put on hold aside from the major respect aspects and all due to our moving situation and other things occuring. Once things get settled will we be back to me getting spankings every so often or just the little surprises He had for me when we first started dating??
This thought process is in no way to put down that He hasnt kept me enthused because He has without a doubt. Everytime we have had anything lifestyle related, even if it was just the sessions mentioned above, i felt His dominance and power. There is just the wanting and craving to feel it more then i do now. To have my throat grabbed randomly and kissed with wild abandon like He did earlier today or just to be fucked because He just woke up and was ready to go. This thought process is all mine and i know that in the end everything is up to Him, but i wonder if things could be amped up a little more. There isnt an idea of how this is possible, but i'm sure He can come up with something. Maybe something related to household chores every night or laundry or something?? I dont know....all i know is i love Him and my butt is craving a bad spanking right and some corner time, but i dont want to push buttons just to get what i want. So for now i wait...