Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why cant i fix this???

   Life for Master and i has been extremely hectic lately and it often leaves us running around on my days off. Granted we are still getting to spend time together, it just sucks that every waking moment is spent running around taking care of this or that for something else that is broken.
   Since i can remember i have never had any patience and lately it has held true. My patience is thin and so is Master's and it's just like i cant control anything that's going on anymore. My life is spinning out of control and i cant help any of it. There have been moments where i have let my mouth get the better of me and my frustrations have been voiced. Lately it feels that i have let all these minor frustrations get to me.
   Master and i are in the process of building our first house together. He is so amazing and it's just wonderful coming home to a man who is cooking dinner. It's not the fact that it is Master cooking for me, but the fact that it is the man that i love cooking for me because He knows by the time i get home that it would probably be another hour and we'd be starving to eat if we waited. However, the other things are getting to me and i wish i could make them stop. We got a washer and dryer and just had to fix a few minor things on them to make them work for us. It seems though that they are just bound and determined not to work for us. The cord for the dryer was the wrong one the first time, we needed a wrench to tighten the bolts on the washer so it wouldnt leak, we were missing a part for the dryer but improvised, and today the icing was the new cord we got sent sparks when Master tried testing it to make sure it worked. Spouting off that He should have made sure it was grounded before He plugged it in pushed His buttons and i feel bad about it.
   Master has done nothing but been good to me and done everything He can for me to help make this house into a home for the two of us since my job hours dont exactly make it easy for us to work on things except for two or three days at a time depending on the schedule. Add in there planning for a wedding ceremony and other little things like that and it is enough to make you seem nuts. But Master always holds it together, He is always the one that is calm and unconcerned. Thinking today after hearing a song, He looked at me and asked me how He is ever going to love me more then He already does. Shrugging my shoulders, i answered Him that i didnt know because i honestly didnt. He doesnt even know but after today i wonder how He can love me when all it seems is that i keep having bratty moments even though im trying to control them. How do i fix a side of me that i have never known to come out until now. There is no way for it to be blamed on hormones or anything of that nature because i honestly believe that is too common of an excuse just to get out of a situation like this. So what is the problem then?? Is it me???
   My worry and fear is that the moments like these would cause Master to question how He ever came to love me. Insecurities come out after times like these. Past moments are past moments but i cant help but fear turning out to find out one day that there is no more love. With Master i dont doubt that He will love me and always fight for me just like He says, but my biggest fear i have had to face is that the main person in my life that i counted on to be my role model and be that protective figure is no more. My life looking at it now seems so unstable that i often wonder how Master can even make it so stable as He does...Is there a reality check button that He knows about that i dont??
   With all this brattiness i wonder if it is time that i honestly ask Master for a spanking. An honest to goodness one that has me bawling, just short of subspace, and then leave me in the corner for a few minutes to realize what i have been doing to Him. It has to hurt Him when these words come out, because hearing them back in my mind as i fight back the tears in the aftermath, i can see the hurt in them. It seems they question what He knows, although both of us are new at this and i know just as much as Him about a washer and dryer and putting the things on it. He didnt do it on purpose and He definitely didnt mean to blow the cord. So i guess, i dont even know how to begin to fix this. Is it punishment worthy?? Or is it worse?? For now i wait to find out what the results will be and may be having a talk with Master at dinner as to what He thinks needs to be done about my behavior. My feelings are it shouldnt continue but im at a loss as to how to stop it, maybe He has the answer. Who knows, but the one thing i do know is that i dont want to lose the man that i married and the Master who stole my heart and body and mind and soul. If i could do anything to repay Him back for the way i have been acting lately i would do it, from pictures just for Him to dressing up sexy and doing a strip tease or even just living a fantasy of His that He has had for years. God i hope He can forgive me yet again for my foolish tongue and mind and worries......

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