Saturday, April 30, 2011

Im not too sure what to think....

   After a comment from Master earlier today, im honestly not too sure what to think anymore. Things lately have been so hectic that we had to come back up and visit family. We remarked the other day that it felt good to just get in the car and go somewhere and take a trip. We hadnt taken a trip just to go somewhere in forever because of all my health issues and concerns, which is where the root of everything going on right now is.
    So I have to explain all that has gone on since the last post. Currently i have been facing a massive headache, or head pain as we are now referring to it, for almost six weeks now. It's crazy to think something like that could last that long, but thats not the only thing plaguing me. There have been boughts of puking my guts up, dizzyness, lightheadedness, losing my balance, my inability to walk without falling to the right side, side pain, and issues breathing. It's been a crazy road and there is just so many twists and turns that's it is hard to figure out what is going on. As of today there has been numerous blood tests done as well as urine tests. There has been enough blood taken from me to fill up about four to five bags you'd donate. Nothing has been found and everything has come back normal.
   With all this going on and nothing being found it has been frustrated for me. My frustration has transferred into my actions and i feel that it has been hitting our relationship the hardest. A lot of the time i am getting frustrated because there is something seriously wrong with me and i have been through so many doctors visits but nothing is being found. Trying to get a refill on my pain medication recently i was informed that neither of the people that i had to get it from could do it. The doctor couldnt do it because i was being seen by the neurologist and the neurologist cant do it because he doesnt write prescriptions for pain medications. Being torn between the two i feel that now im stuck in limbo and they have pretty much given up on me and trying to figure out whats wrong. There is no okay well its not this, let's try another test and keep going from there. There is no reason that a completely healthy and fit young woman should suddenly turn ill and have 8 ER visits, including being hospitalized on one of those, for all these issues and not have something wrong. Sometimes, i guess, you just have to leave things alone but i just feel alone even though i know Master is there fighting with me.
   The thing with all of this is i know that Master is here to fight this battle with me, but both of us are at a loss as to what to do. This medical condition is beyond His expertise and He is doing what He can to help. There is just confusion as to what to do or even how to go about trying to move on to another specialist to get tested for anything else.
    So with all that going on, there is major frustration at times between Master and i. Looking back on things, i hate that i am making Master feel the way that i am. He is always doing everything in His power and trying to help however He can. He has been with me through every doctor's visits and is just trying to keep me laughing when all i feel like is crying. Lately my emotions have been so out of whack and my libido is not really there according to Him.
    Wondering what the deal is, i kind of wonder if maybe we need to delve back into the lifestyle a little bit more then what we are right now. There hasnt been a true punishment for me since the time i got punished for mouthing off a comment to Master over a grocery list. Now im not saying that He is slacking by no means because there are many times that i have gotten "the look". He is most defnitely still in control, but i think my subconscious is wanting to see more. He is always there and keeps me in check, but now im wondering if maybe this will help my situation and keep me from lashing out at Him like i have.
    Master has always pushed me to do everything that i can and im wondering if maybe i need another push again. There is the craving for a good spanking, not just because ive been bad but because i need it. Its not about want anymore, its become a need. The only thing with this is how do i approach Master about the lifestyle situation. Being in the lifestyle has always brought a sense of calm to me and knowing that Master is in control of everything is such a relief to me. When we first started talking i remember Him mentioning that He didnt completely like the 24/7 because He didnt want to micromanage me, but i honestly think that for now i need the structure something like that would bring. Not to say things have gotten lax, but i feel that im getting away with a little more and that may be because im sick, but i dont know. Now this isnt saying that He hasnt been correcting me occasionally when i go off on Him for something or say something wrong because He does, but i feel that there isnt as much structure as there was when we first started talking. Or maybe i am looking at getting a little more into the lifestyle, who knows. All i know is there is for sure a need to be tied up, taken, used, spanked til i cant take it anymore or my butt is a very deep red, placed in the corner like a bad girl, gagged so He only hears muffled moans or whimpers and so many other things that i just cant think of all of them. So many things i want to experience that i havent yet, but want to so bad especially the being tied up and taken like He usually does. He is the only man that i would ever trust to tie me up in some way to where i couldnt hide or move away from His blows or expert tongue and other things without causing me harm, especially after my bad past.
    How do you approach someone and tell them that you want them to take more control then what they already have? Master has already been given all the power that i can give Him. He holds the keys to my heart and has often punished me when i stepped out of line. The whole micromanaging deal i dont want, but i really do want more power and control on things. Granted i think on a lot of things He has left for me to do, but i feel that i have slipped on a lot of things. Like today, He made the comment asking if we had done away with the rule of putting my hand on His lap while we were driving. With my new concerns, i kind of wonder if He will understand where i am coming from and embrace my need for this change especially with everything going on. He has always addressed my concerns and i love that fact. He always wants to hear what i think and i know for sure this will be nothing different. So i can only try and explain things and see where we go from there.
    With everything going on though, aside from my feelings on the lifestyle i am pledging a new promise to myself that from now on i will not let Master's playing with me get to me. It seems that i am taking a lot of it too personal and i dont ever want Him to think that He cant mess around with me. It hurt my heart a lot today when He told me that He felt as if everything He was doing for me wasnt being appreciated. It hurt so bad to know that He felt this way because i know that He is doing everything in His power to help me with my health concerns and my job and just keeping everything running. Crazy enough with everything going on that i havent done worse to Him(and i hope i havent yet and that i wont in the future), but i know that He loves me and knows everything that has happened in my past. Conquering my past hasnt been easy and it makes me not act like me when i let it conquer me, but i hope Master can forgive me when thesse moments make me act like a red headed stepchild. Now the thing is, can He help me keep this promise to myself?
   My hope is that this promise holds true and i know i will fight with every ounce of my being to make it true. I dont ever want Him to think He isnt appreciated at all and i also want to make sure that He knows everyday just how much i love Him and appreciate everything He is doing for me. He is the light of my life and i would give anything for Him.
   Master and i are supposed to talk tonight so hopefully we can talk about the lifestyle thing. We're also going to talk about him being appreciated and how He felt about things. :) Honestly, i hope it goes well and im sure we will get a lot of feelings out of it. There is a new chapter that is about to open in our lives and i think there are a few people that arent going to be in it too. (more on that one to come at a later date when i have plenty of time to rant and rave on here about family and everything with that)

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