Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Thinking on myself...

   So lately there has been a lot of talk as to whether or not im depressed when trying to figure out why i am having this massive headache that has lasted for three weeks straight. Personally i honestly dont think i am depressed at all, but this one neurologist seems to think so. Granted there is a difference between when i go home and spend time with my family and when i come back down here with Master to work.
   This has gotten me thinking that there is a lot of change in my life. Writing in this blog pretty much got put on the back burner because everything else was going on, but Master thinks it might be a better idea for me to start writing again. Honestly i think that He is right. It might better help me process everything that is going on and vent frustrations and annoyances and other things. There are so many things that come up with my job that frustrate me and planning this wedding, while trying to take into account my family's annoyances with various setups is enough to give any person a headache.
    Looking back on when things first started, i realize that i somewhat feel like i have lost myself along the way with all these changes that have been made. Going back home to visit family allows me to find myself again because there is no stress hanging over my head and i dont feel like im playing soldier every minute of every day. Dont get me wrong, i love my job but it seems there is a good bit of stress with it. Knowing that i am submissive and that Master is in charge of me is one of the few things that i can count on. There is a huge feeling of not knowing who i really am because since things started with us, there hasnt been a lot of the lifestyle in our lives. Now being the good girl that i have always been, it is hard for me to ask Master for what i really want. There are times that i feel i just need a spanking to maintain the order and remind me(subtly i guess is a way to describe it) the status quo of things and to help me remember that all is right in the world. Granted, i know that everything is alright but i guess i go through withdrawals when i dont have a lot of lifestyle things happening such as a spanking or just being reminded that i am Master's lil one and serve to please Him.
    Reading a fellow blogger's writing, i have come to realize that maybe there are things that Master doesnt know about me. Well i can say that maybe He knows, but i havent verbally come out and said it to Him. The two of us are embracing a new thing called complete and open honesty. In the past when Master asked me a question, i would give Him a half hearted answer or just kind of blow Him off. It wasnt meant to come off like i was avoiding the question, but to me now it kind of was like i was avoiding it. So i agree to be completely honest with Master. When He asks what is wrong or what i said, i will tell Him no matter what it means or what it is. So maybe this might take a step in the right direction. Anyways, back to the blog. He was talking about different things submissives want but are afraid to ask for. This is where i get to be completely open and honest with Master. Taking straight from the blog, i feel i should let Him know a few of the things that i crave and wish for but dont have the courage to ask because of the always having to be the good girl, but secretly wanting to be a naughty girl.
   1. There have been a couple times that i have been punished and placed immediately into the corner. Secretly i loved every minute of it. There is just something about knowing your place and having your butt burning and being unable to rub it with your hands on your head in the corner. There is an urge to be punished for talking bratty to you or just being mouthy or a smart-mouth to you, much like the one day where i came back with the comment            "tough, it's going to be that way" where i was promptly given a spanking and placed in the corner. There's the need to be disciplined this way for my stubborn side, random mouthiness, or just comments that shouldnt be made or cussing.
   2.  Another thing is that i long to be writhing on the floor begging to be allowed to cum, but continuously denied by you as the lust builds stronger and stronger. In all honesty, i long to be denied and feel the lust in my lower area. My mind is torn between i want to be denied but i also want to enjoy the feelings all at the same time. There is just such a reward knowing that everything is being controlled by You and any second i can lose that privilage. Just the sound of Your voice can bring me to the edge.                 

3.  My mind longs to be Your sweet little girl who can do no wrong, but at the same time i want to be that naughty little girl that You want to fuck like crazy. You love the heels that i have and comment that You want to fuck me so bad when i wear them. Loving the feeling it brings from that comment, i long to be Your well-behaved
little girl to everyone, but a naughty little one that deserves to be punished and fucked like the bad girl she is too.

  4.  Another thing i long and crave occasionally is the feeling of being tied up and helpless. The feeling of knowing there is nothing that i can do when You play with me or tease me mercilessly is an incredible power. There is just something about hearing that i cant get away and You have my trapped. It makes me think that im such a naughty girl because i want to be played with while tied up, but it
also lets a little bit of the good girl side in me come out too.
   5.  Crazy as it may sound another thing mentioned was being choked, slapped, and pinched until im sore all over. There is something about being so sore and knowing that with that soreness i pleased You in it. It lets me know that You care about me and reasserts that You are in control and able to do anything You want at anytime. The pain from a good fuck session, lets me know that all is right in the world.

   6.  The last thing talked about was that good submissives kind of want a Dom who will mess with their head. In the past i have had my head messed with, but there is a difference between a vanilla relationship that a guy is messing with your head. Master has so much control and love for me that i would trusst Him if He played
with my head. Naturally im not sure what all this entails, but i know that He wouldnt let me wander too far from Him. He would take good care of me.
    Throughout everything that i have been through, Master has constantly been there by my side to reassure me that everything will be alright and that He has things under control. There is a constant worry sometimes that all this will get to Him and make Him wonder if things are really going to be okay, but i havent sensed anything like that yet.
   In all honesty, i want to say thank you to Master for being there by my side everytime. He has been there through the crazy emergency room visits and the talks with my flight chiefs and everything with work. When my worst fears are coming true, He reminds me that it will all work out and that there are ways to fix whatever the problem may be. There is a wonder as to what is going on through His head everytime because He hasnt complained one bit through any of this and im positive that my headache lasting this long with no relief has to be scaring Him. How does He do it everyday? Go through the day knowing that He may have to deal with me puking my guts out or even making sure my medicine is okay with me and that i'm not going to get sicker.
    Life has it's own crazy twists and turns, but i think the one thing that has remained steady is the lifestyle arrangement that Master and i have together. Granted i feel somewhat lost because it has been so long since i have been punished for anything, mainly because i have been good for the most part. There is the wonder as to whether or not this might help me become a little more relaxed is being reminded of things. There is no telling, but i know that Master is doing an excellent job at taking care of me and i can only hope that one day i can return the favor because it cant be easy putting up with me when im sick because im a crabby butt and just unbearable when im sick :(. When all this is over it will be a relief and hopefully i can repay Master for every little thing that He has done for me. <3 <3

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