Today just seems to be overwhelming and not only that I feel like my emotions are being spent all over the place. The only thing that has remained steady in things that have changed so much recently is two things: my headache and my husband and Master being there for me every step of the way.
Stress levels are at an all time high with not knowing what is going on with me and it seems that there is no good news in sight. After talking with the neurologist this morning, I feel that there is a need for another opinion. There is something going on, but to him he already had it set in his mind what was wrong with me and wasn’t willing to explore any other options. He was telling me that he believe it’s something wrong with work and that I need to lower my hours. He also said that even if I was to take time off just to get better for my health wise, like a week or so, that it wouldn’t benefit me because I would end up having the same problems that im having now. I would just be back in the same situation that I am in now.
My brain is reeling with this news because my emotions are already torn. Both Master and I know there is something else going on, but that we havent quite hit the money with it yet. All the tests have been done except an MRI and Xrays of my head. Either way there is a possibility that nothing can be found. It’s just the fact that something is wrong when I go from eating normally to not having an appetite at all and feeling like I’m going to puke my guts up. There is something else completely wrong and I wish the doctor’s had an answer as to why I’m having these headaches and dizzy spells.
Emotions raw from the talk yesterday from work, I am feeling that things are just adding up and adding up. It’s not so much that I’m stressed out about it, but I just feel that there’s a lot to deal with right now. Certainly there is plenty of stress to go around, but it’s not anything that is unusual in this life. Yesterday at work, my supervisor was telling me that they are not completely believing my story that I am having headaches and that I cant work. Thankfully that whole situation was remedied with an appointment with my doctor, but it was still stressful enough hearing someone say that we don’t completely believe you and think you may be abusing the system. With something this serious, how could I possibly be abusing the system. Oh yes, I wanted to be hospitalized for a weekend and have nurses poke and prod me every two hours just for the fun of it. None of this is my idea of fun or how I would want to get a few days off work. I hate being sick and having this headache is even worse.
Add into all of this that we have a puppy that needs to be trained, there is more stress. She is in the chewing stage and has apparently chewed up a pair of Master’s shoes and my bra and some other things. My feelings are complete numbness in a way after hearing this news. I feel in a way that some of it is my fault because I asked him to get a puppy and we went searching after the first emergency room visit. The promise was that I could get one after I got better, but I feel that I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I’m not better and she is tearing up things left and right. It’s either she’s trying to eat something she’s not allowed to or she is peeing everywhere in the house. I swear we have a beach towel that smells like her piss all the time. Crazy because she is a puppy, but don’t get me wrong it is a lot to handle. I feel that maybe I jumped the gun too soon and we should have waited to get a dog. A part of me wonders how Master really feels about having the dog now. She is a really sweet and loving dog, it’s just she likes teething on a lot of things and pees everywhere in the house.
It’s crazy how all these emotions unfold through the days and the only thing that really matters to me is that Master and I are okay and my health gets better. The second opinion might not reveal anything else, but I’m hoping that he doesn’t say the same thing this doctor says. Granted I could possibly be depressed, but I think my headache is some other kind of issue. I don’t know what it is, but I just know that it’s something not related to depression. If it was, I wouldn’t have had the relapse that I had yesterday. Oh well, I guess I can only hope and pray that the doctor will find out what’s going on with me. Until then, I have to make it through work and will be spending the next couple days relaxing with Master and just trying to get better. And taking my medication as I’m supposed to