So today has been a long day but a pretty uneventful one at that. After last night, i have realized that sometimes miscommunications come out leaving you better on the other side. After writing a blog yesterday, there was a bit of a misunderstanding as to how i wrote it. I made it seem as if Master wasnt doing anything around the house and that just wasnt the case. He does a lot more then i realize and has had to deal with a lot of His fair share of everything with my many ER visits recently.
This brought on a huge punishment, more because i was sobbing becasue i felt that i had screwed everything up. Master kept reassuring me that i had done nothing wrong, but i felt that i did. It wasnt long before i saw the words telling me to get His belt and stand leaning on the bed with my pants down and wait til He came in sometime in the future. Just as i was finishing and had been laying on the bed not even a minute, i heard Him enter. There were still tears falling and i felt that i had screwed up so horribly. Master grabbed His belt and i felt Him judge my skin as He rubbed His hand over my backside before delivering the first blow. To me it was a shockwave and i screamed into the blanket that i had grabbed up under me. As the session continued and the blows kept coming, i found myself struggling to maintain my bearing. It wasnt too long before Master had to hold my hands behind my back. Honestly i fight the feelings everytime to hold them, but there's that one hit that makes me have to send them back to cover my rear end for some reason. It's like it's in our DNA to do this. We try as hard as we can to keep them from flying back, but they just fly back as always.
Anyways, needless to say my brain lost count after about the fourth or fifth hit from Master's belt. It has been a good while since i have felt the lick of it's blows and even after there was still a reminder in the few small welts that i had from it. After being spanked til i couldnt stand anymore and then played with and used by Master until He came all over me, i was placed in the corner. All i could do was silently cry. He had truly given me a reason to cry because i was crying for no reason before, i was no longer crying for nothing now. Crying, i realized that i had put myself in this predicament and all i could think of was how could i put myself in this situation? It left me feeling humiliated and just i felt horrible that i had made Master punish me. It was something i hadnt had to have in a good while. After a few minutes,or what felt like an eternity to me, Master came back in and put warm clothes on me and guided me to sit with Him on the couch and watch tv. My brain was still foggy with everything because i honestly was half way to subspace by the end of the spanking. When He put my clothes on all i could think of was it was cold and trying to voice anything to Him was going to take a little bit.
After sitting with Master on the couch and thinking back to what just happened, i realized it was something that needed to happen in my opinion. Honestly i think i had been careless in thinking just how much Master does around here. He has done so much for me and i questioned on some things that i thought He should help me on. It was wrong of me and i paid the price. Also it was needed for me to realize that things were okay with how they were going. Master and i havent participated actively in the lifestyle recently because of my health concerns. He has been more medical minded then Master minded because that is how He is trained to be. My brain didnt realize this before, but after talking with Master today i have realized the gap in the lifestyle are because He was more concerned about my health concerns. Needless to say the spanking from last night just made me feel like i was back to myself.
So as i talked with Master today, we realized that lately i have felt bummed because i feel that my being sick has defined a good bit of who i am. All the doctor's visits and not being able to work or perform like im supposed to makes me feel like im weak and just not able to be who i am. Last night was a well overdue reminded that even though i may be sick, it does not define who i am. I am still Master's submissive. I am still lil one. My place is still understood and i am not to step out of that place. All i can say in word's to describe it is that i feel the trouble i got into last night was somehow needed because today i find myself a little bit more at piece with things, although that doesnt mean im necessarily pain free.
Tonight i find myself in pain in my back, my knee has begun to flare up again and my right side is still hurting. It seems to vary with what i eat, but most of the time it's a dull pain. On top of that my head is starting to flare up really bad. Bad enough that i'm going to have to take one of my other pain killers to try and keep it subsided enough that i dont end up back in the emergency room. Those visits have taken enough blood out of me to save at least 6-7 people and the nurses have made me afraid to have an iv put in my arm now. The two that didnt know what they were doing have scared me for life, although out of it all we have two hilarious recordings on our phones of me with Demerol in my system. All i know is that is some good medication, but i dont ever remember what i say or do while im on it and im glad that Master is right there beside me once they give it to me. He keeps me from getting up and doing silly things, but yet still has fun in my drug induced comments. Hopefully there's no more in my future because i really dont want to go there anymore.