Friday, May 6, 2011

Mind over Submission or Submission over Mind?

   So today i have noticed that lately my mind has been battling my submissive side a lot lately. Well maybe its not my mind, but so much how i was raised and the thoughts that were constantly told weren't right in my head. I guess the best place for me to start is to explain everything.
   Growing up, i knew that i was different. There was just something about the relationships that i had and the way the guys treated me. The guys were always nice and just a complete gentleman but i knew there was more that i wanted then just that. As i got into my teens, i began looking into chat rooms to talk to other people just to kill time. I was always by myself and never really had anyone to play games with me because i was the youngest and between me and the next oldest was nine years. Needless to say, two full time job parents and an in school teen left a lot of time to kill in between the time i got home and when my parents would come home. I chatted with a lot of people and let's just say i talked with a bunch of guys older then me, much more then i should have and at the time i didnt know it was so wrong. I was surfing for chat rooms one day and came across a website talking about the lifestyle.
    The lifestyle has always been something that interested me. To me it was my escape for everything. It is the personality that i have although it seems some of my more stubborn sides seem to come out at times, but that's more family genes then anything. But as i researched it more and more i found that i had what was called a submissive personality. Being in a normal vanilla relationship just wasnt going to cut it for me. There was more that i needed. I needed for the man to have control and to guide me and also correct me when i did wrong. Little did i know then but i would get what i wanted.
    Growing up, i have always had to fight to get everything i had. My parents forced me to grow up fast and learn how to make dinner and pretty much take care of myself. My homework was done when i got home and i was left to do whatever to kill time until my parents got home to eat dinner and then watch tv before it was off to bed for me. We never really interacted together so it left lots of time for me. Add into that a personal computer in a teenager's room and you have a combination for what i developed.
    Guessing that the reason that i want someone to be in control is that my life has never been under control for me. It has always had it's mess of ups and downs and i was always in fear that my parent's arguing would result in them divorcing or something else happening. There was very little that was for sure for me because things were always never good enough with them too. I guess deep down i wanted someone who was going to tell me that what i did was okay and that it was okay not to be perfect. Growing up i had always been told that it wasnt perfect and i could do better even when i was so close to perfect. Meeting Master changed all this.
   Master is my whole world and i love it. He is the solid piece of ground and i know that no matter what life hands us, i will be stable and have a place to fall. We may not have everything figured out, and that's normal, but He makes me realize that things dont always have to be perfect. But the one thing that i struggle on when it comes to our relationship is when it comes to me doing a lot of the things around the house. Growing up, i was taught that the man had to help the woman in a lot of things, but it seems the lifestyle contradicts this thought a lot. There are times i just want to come out and ask Him why He isnt helping, but i have worked very hard at keeping my comments in check. It is easier to talk to Him about these things, but what usually ends up happening is i think about it later and realize that i was just having a stubborn moment and going back to how i was raised. Now this isnt anything against how i was raised because despite not believing that the man shouldnt do anything in the relationship, i dont believe that. It is the submissive's place to take care of her Master and His house and if that means im getting the dog food or im doing extra loads of laundry then so be it. There are times that my mind is going to want to gripe and complain, but i have learned to keep these in check.
    My concern is that sometimes these moments may over power me, but i dont want that to happen. I wonder if other people have these moments where thoughts of rebellion and just popping off with "why cant you do that?" or "why cant you use that again?", but we dont. I feel that maybe it is just how i was raised coming up inside me every now and then and making me think that this is wrong and He should be helping too, but my submissive side keeps it in check and reminds that it is my place to take care of these things. Yes, He should help but He doesnt have to if He wants to. He is the man of the house and in charge of everything around here. What He says goes and that's it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it when it comes to my concern. Now saying that, i am not just a doormat in any decision making process...He takes into account what i think of things or how i feel about certain issues before making judgements because yes He is a caring Master. Either way i have found a struggle going on recently with the two halves of my brain struggling to realize that the lifestyle is more important in my life and that when i was raised and taught it was bad, it really wasnt. It's actually good because this lifestyle has completely turned me around from who i used to be to who i am now. Who knows where i will be in the future, but i know it will be a much happier place with Master by my side and the lifestyle fully in our lives.
    Sorry for the rambling on and on but this is a thought that just occured to me. My mind constantly goes back and forth and maybe one day i will be able to say which side won the argument. For now i know that my submissive side is keeping myself fully in check and i hope it stays that way.

****for those reading this, this is in no way saying that my Master doesnt help out around the house. He helps out more then His fair share. The thoughts above are at times when i just get frustrated because there is so much to do, and i forget to realize all the work that He is doing too. My mind comes up with these thoughts that He is able to do this, but why am i doing it. These thoughts are wrong because for every one thing that im doing, He is doing like three. He brought this to my attention that it came off this way and i just want to put this out there that He definitely is not just sitting idly by as i clean the house or take care of the dog. He helps me and is often doing more then His fair share, especially since i have been sick. I honestly hope He realizes just how thankful i am for the times that He does help me out becasue without Him i wouldnt have made it this far or dealt with all the sickness and hospital visits i had if it werent for Him being cheerful and happy and reminding me of the little things in life.****

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