Saturday, May 21, 2011

Feelings....

   Today has been a long day and this next week is going to be even longer. The frustrations are mounting because nothing has been found about what is going on with me health wise. There have been results telling me my liver enzymes are high, now they're normal and then i have a uti and suddenly i dont and finally my pancreatic enzymes are high and my kidney is a little swollen but i guarantee it wont be like that when i go back to the doctor. Master isnt getting frustrated, or at least doesnt appear so, but i am getting extremely frustrated and a little worried. Honestly, im worried that all this is going to turn out to be something more serious. My health has always been good until now. These past three months i havent really worked but about 9-10 day total and ive been in the emergency room at least 13 times. This just isnt normal for anyone.....Oh well, i guess it's like Master says. You have to keep going through the list checking things off before you can find out what is wrong.
   My sides and stomach are hurting and i feel like i am making the wrong decisions. Master may think otherwise, because He has left the decision up to me but i wonder if i made the right decision. Like this weekend i was given the choice as to whether or not i wanted to be hospitalized or if i wanted to go home. Being afraid of the hospital, i DID NOT want to stay over night. For some reason they terrify me. There is something about all this going on that im afraid if im in here overnight and Master has to go home to take care of our puppy that something will happen and He wont be there. Now i know this would never happen because He usually stays with me as long as He can, but at the same time it worries me. Being left alone is something that i absolutely hate and add a hospital into that and im just not comfortable at all. Either way though Master would never leave me alone. Anyways, i chose to go home and when we went to follow up with my doctor on Friday it wasnt even my own doctor. Lovely medical system wont let me see my own doctor, they keep sending me to a new one even though this doctor has been seeing me since all my medical problems started. Ugh yet another frustration to add to everything else.
   So to date, ive had to deal with changing doctors and headaches changing to lightheadedness and dizzyness to side pain to side and back pain and now it seems my chest is adding to it. There is a spot on my rib cage on my right side that is super sensitive to barely touch it and i cant do anything about it. There's so much that keeps going on that i feel like i am honestly going numb to the feelings. Getting stuck so many times makes everything feel not so bad anymore. When you have a nurse who doesnt know how to start an iv digging around in the top of your hand, you learn real fast that the other pain you are experiencing isnt too bad compared to someone rooting around with a needle.
   The other thing that has been caught on my mind all of a sudden is my grandma. All i can say is for some reason i find myself thinking about her and wanting to listen to the newest song by Justin Moore called "If Heaven Wasnt So Far Away". It is crazy how much love she put into my life and i cant believe that she is gone. We're having our wedding ceremony in a few weeks and i cant believe that she wont be there. It never occurred to me when we started planning it that she wouldnt be here. She has been gone for about three months now, but it still feels like yesterday to me. My feelings are mixed and some days im fine and other days i hear a song and it just hits me as to what is going on. She meant the world to me and now at one of the most important events in my life she wont be there. :( It makes me sad, but i know that she will be watching me from heaven that day. (Makes me think of another song...... Holes in the Floor of Heaven) His dad and my grandma will both be rejoicing that day!! Both of us know this and we will make sure to include them in memory for sure when we light our unity candles.

I love you Grandma. RIP and i hope to see you one day in heaven where i can be with you and grandpa.

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