Thursday, June 23, 2011

Today marks a very interesting day...

   So today marks a very unique day in my life. It is one marked by uncertainty and a vague bit of hope that maybe, just maybe i am wrong. With all the health issues that i have had going on, it was suggested that i talk with someone to get things off my chest. Well it turns out that despite me worrying about how it would turn out and being judged over things i said, i was shown otherwise. This lady im talking with has not only validated what im feeling, but is starting a process to work with me to realize how to get to where im better emotionally.
    Today i found out for myself something that shocked me. It didnt shock me so much as finding out because i think a part of me knew, but the greater shock is that im one trained to see this in other people and i couldnt even see it in my own relationships. Now before i go into depth about what i found out today, i feel that i need to say this has nothing to do with Master and i's relationship. He has been nothing but supportive and is never abusive towards me in any way. He actually stops when He thinks He is going to far and can tell when i am gone emotionally or just not there at all.
    Bearing my heart and soul to this woman has become so much easier the second time around. Maybe its because i find it so much easier to talk to another woman than a man(not meaning that i cant talk to Master about things because i most certainly can---meaning a male therapist). She listens and gives me feedback and tells me when i have done wrong and also has told me a lot that i havent been crazy and that everything im going through is not as easy as i try to make it seem for everyone else. She doesnt know about the lifestyle that Master and i share, but she never will because that is between me and Him and to others it may seem as abuse even though i know my relationship with Him is the only thing in the world that makes me truly happy. He is my heart and soul and i would never want to leave Him.
    Today when i began to bear my soul, i thought that the topic would stay on my illness and the symptoms and how im dealing with that, but much like last week it turned back to talking about my family and everything going on with us. Much like how i bare my heart and soul here in my blog, i poured my heart out to this woman who knew nothing of my family until i told her. There were many moments were i felt so overcome with emotion that i could barely speak about the things i faced growing up. She listened to me talk of how i always had to be the perfect child and that my mother always seemed to act one way around certain people and completely different around others. She honestly is bipolar, not completely in a medical sense but in her actions. It took me pouring my heart and soul out to realize that with all these years there has been a lot that i have just swallowed and took because it was my parents and i had to just deal with it to move on. It was what i had to do to be able to function in the only family that i had. To me it was scarier to act out and be thrown out on my own with nobody to care for me or be there when i needed them.
   Years after years of emotions poured out into the conversation between me and her. It was amazing to let my true emotions out and say that i felt that ive never really been taken care of and that my emotions were real. To hear that what i faced is quite honestly emotional abuse, i was shocked. To hear that when you were younger, you faced years of abuse and are still facing it is shocking to hear. It's much like when an abused woman stays with the man because she didnt feel that she was being abused---that is how i felt. To hear that i was being abused, i just couldnt believe it. In all honesty i really didnt believe it because im in the law enforcement field and trained to see things like that. Why couldnt i see it happening to myself??? Because i was facing the same thing every abused person faces---the cycle of positive reinforcement that keeps them there. It is why i struggle so hard with trying to stop the relationship between my mother and i, but at the same time i dont want to just completely give up because she is my mother.
   After all the revelations today, i wonder if it is better for me to just give up on the relationship between me and my mother? The one thing that i am afraid of is that if i were to finally tell them how i feel and voice that what they are doing to me is abuse, it would be laughed off and i would be badmouthed through out the family. There would instantly be that black sheep mechanism and thats what im afraid of is having nobody from my family left to talk to. My aunt has already made it clear that if it is a choice for her between me and my mother that she will clearly chose my mom no matter what the cost is between me and her. Knowing this is why im so afraid to cut the ties to the abuse that i constantly deal with on a semi-weekly basis. Who will be there for me when i have nobody left and a huge hole in my heart from my family?? Master will and His family will, but i wonder if anyone else from my family will or will i lose everyone?
   Having to face these fears is going to be a reality for me at some point in time, but i wonder when that will be? Who of my friends will believe the bad mouth lies that she tells or various things that are said by my parents? I hope nobody, but only time will tell especially after she comes and sweet talks her way again around His family down here. My fear is that nobody will believe me and that i will lose everything i know.
   Master has been amazing through all of this and i wonder how i will begin to go about picking up the pieces of myself. It is no longer about trying to maintain a relationship with my parents as it is about what i need for myself to keep me healthy. If it means cutting ties, then one day i should be able to do that but for now i cant. Until then, i trust that my closest friends and family will believe me at that time. Now i pledge to end the cycle of abuse and move on not just for myself, but the possible new additions to the family in the future whenever that may be.
    On a side note, Master and i are beginning to think more and more that i may be pregnant. We dont know for sure yet, but im planning on getting a blood test done to check and see what is going on. Either way we just want to know more for our own check off then anyone elses. Its partially because i am showing symptoms of being pregnant more and more----stretch marks, food cravings, and so many more. Aside from that we are hoping if im not that the endoscopy that i have done next week will show something as well. So crossing our fingers for anything at this point. Until then im going to focus on being happy, spending time with Master and our puppy, and just enjoying life. It's about Master and i's happiness and nobody elses(well maybe a few key people lol)

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