Monday, August 1, 2011

Troublesome woes...

   So this morning i find myself unable to go back to sleep, whether its because of my most recent dreams or because i fell asleep at 930 last night i dont know. All i know is im watching tv and playing around on the computer while Master sleeps in the other room.
   Anyways, last night my dreams seemed so vivid and a part of me is starting to wonder if it is my consciousness working out some sort of problems that i dont know im having or something. Either way, i have to admit that they seem so real to me. My dreams lately have involved my parents and i guess its because recently i have cut off all contact with them. Last night it was of me and i was trapped in a room with them and i was told that i wasnt allowed to see my husband. It was like i was secretly being held captive although other people knew about me. Hmmm...odd enough as that is, there was more to the dream. It went from that to i was packing up all my stuff from my parents house to bring it back home with me. There were numerous containers and things like that, but all i wanted was one container with the home movies and a few odds and ends in there. My memory isnt that good to remember all the other little pieces that went into the container. Then the weird part was that was the end of my dream with them...it moved on to a dream with Master, me and one of our good friends in the lifestyle.
    Master and i were going on a trip and He was driving. All of a sudden we were leaving from my parents house and we were supposed to go south and not north to come back home. My emotions were getting the best of me and i pitched a fit and started acting like a spoiled brat because i didnt want Him to go north. My mind wanted Him to go south already and not have to go way down the road to turn around. He didnt say anything other then giving me the "look" and then turned around in some cemetary. About ten minutes later there is a flash of blue lights and i start crying again because i know we cant afford any kind of a ticket. Master is calm as can be and im freaking out, but it turns out we werent getting it and that's what Master said to me. He looks at me and says "see I have everything under control". Then the road starts to magically become covered with snow, bit by bit. It got to where it was covered and i couldnt really drive and then all of a sudden it cleared up again. It was really weird that the road just cleared like that.
   Anyways, despite all these weird dreams im having, i find myself satisfied with life right now. It is going amazing...Master and i starting to just enjoy life and if a family happens, it happens. Its weird imagining me as being a mom, but for now i cant believe it but it seems like an amazing thought. Will i be a good mom? Will i know what to do a lot of the time or will i get frustrated and have to break down and ask for help? My guess is that these are normal questions for anyone is about to become a mother or who is planning on becoming a mother in the future.
   Crazy to think im married and old enough to have a baby and take care of it. Wow, i really cant believe it. Beyond working at that, i feel that life right now is going as well as could be expected. Work is crazy as ever and im still feeling somewhat sick. It comes and goes, it just depends on what all is going on at the time. Now that Master and i are officially married, i find myself focusing more on keeping the house clean and making sure the laundry is intact and everything else. Honestly this has kind of distracted me from everything that is going on when it comes to my family and what happened.
   Seeing a therapist has been amazing and it really does help to get things of my chest. It's crazy though when you make a therapist speechless about everything that happened. There were words thrown around and basically after everything that happened, i came out as the bad one on O/our wedding day. It was all about how i had been disrespectful and selfish. Although going over everything, i still cant find anywhere in what happened that i feel like i have to apologize or defend my actions.
    My sister felt that i owed her an apology because we basically abandoned them the day of my wedding to go get my hair done and two of my bridesmaids. It's funny though because i asked every single one of them if they wanted to come and get their hair done or if they wanted to do it themselves because i know not all of them had money and it was going to be like 40 just to get slight curls in their hair. It was just crazy to require them to get their hair done and they could have saved their money. However, they all could have still come to the salon but to my sister, it was more important her and my cousin stay at home. Later, i got yelled at because i didnt invite my mother to come with us to get my hair done and that my sister felt bad she blew $2-300 on drinks the night before my wedding. Never once did i say she had to spend as much on me as she did, so i feel i dont need to apologize for that.
   The big thing that still upsets me is that her and my cousin were purposelly trying to get me drunk and wasted so that my wedding day wouldnt go very well for me. It was their sole intent to get me as wasted as possible so i wouldnt get married. While i was drunk they were trying to talk me out of getting married to Master. She claimed that she wasnt as happy as she should have been in her marriage and that id never be happy. This is just wrong because i know for a fact that i am as happy as i have ever been with Master. He is my heart and soul and whole world and id be lost without Him. Too bad she cant see that because she was too busy trying to take my relationship down because she wasnt happy with herself. Either way, i laugh because its like Master has pointed out to me---she hasnt really grown up yet. She has two kids, but yet she has had to go back to the bar to prove to herself she still has it and has even gotten a tatto of "bitch" on herself. Seriously...who really does that??
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~finishing from yesterday morning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Master and i talked about a lot of things last night and oddly enough we did talk about my family and the various things they have done. Lately i have done nothing but think about my family and everything. There hasnt been any kind of doubt as to whether i made the right decision of cutting off all contact(especially after my mother called into question Master's manhood on my facebook status---so not cool in my book) it's just i more wonder about the future and what ill say to our kids and things like that. It's like Master told me, i worry a bit too much about the little things and i know i shouldnt but its hard not to do it. After living like i have for almost 15 years, it's hard to just automatically adapt overnight from the way i used to live.
   To tell a little about myself before Master met me, i was working my butt off to try and make ends meet and to please my parents in college. 15 hours of classes, one job working 25-30 hours and another job working 15-20 hours and i passed all those classes with 1 A, 3 B's and 1 C. That was on my motivation, but it wore me out and i couldnt do it. Before i started that semester, i had begun the search of looking for a Master and hadnt found anyone. The only reason i made it through the semester like i did was because i forced myself to do it and it was also at a point where i was seeking mentorship from a few Doms. Now im not going into the past because there are quit a few mistakes that i made while looking, but im happily content with Master now.
   Growing up i was always the nerd and the geek in my family compared to everyone else. My older sisters and brother got in trouble for various things ranging from doing drugs and skipping school to sleeping around with various guys and ending up pregnant. Me on the other hand, i was always the most responsible. My parents knew my friends, knew their parents and where i was going i would be there when they came to get me. My grades were amazing and i proudly graduated high school with a 3.8 gpa and honors and a 29 ACT score. To me that was amazing, but to my parents it was never good enough. My grades have never been good enough for them and i have always struggled to do better even though i was already doing as well as i could do. My stack of awards is about up to my knee, but still i was never good enough.
   To top it off, i had to deal with the constant emotional abuse and occasional physical abuse. My mother worked for a company where she got to know all the police officers and judges and detectives in the county. After learning all this, i felt trapped because who was going to believe the child over the person that they knew and worked with. There was no way anybody was going to believe me, especially after my father started working with children's services. It was my goal to get out of there as soon as i could and while still in school sports, clubs and friends houses became my refuge. It was an amazing feeling not having to rely on them to do things, although i hadnt really relied on them at all. I was always the one making dinner and making sure my homework was done, reminded them about my lunch money, and various other things i had going on. It was more like i was the parent then the child.... Back to the abuse though---my mother always had a cycle to where she would get upset at me for something or ground me and then she'd be all nice and sweet again. It was crazy and working in the career field i do know where i am trained to recognize it, im shocked i didnt do something earlier.
    Master and i have talked about my family and He knew i was way different when He met me from how they act. It just makes me hope and pray every night that i dont turn into them because if i do i would die. Although i have to say that i am happy because i know Master would never let me get that way. It's one of the reasons i fell in love with Him. :) He keeps me in line and doesnt let me get too over ruly or bratty or anything like that.
   In about five months time frame i will be getting back into the swing of school hopefully(thats if all goes well). It will be a new experience, but i know Master will be there to push me when i think i cant go any further or i get burnt out and start slacking because i definitely have a bad habit of slacking off sometimes.  It makes me happy to know that because i asked Him to, He will be pushing me and punishing me if my grades arent where they are supposed to be. To me, i love the idea of working on my homework and if i dont do as well as i should have that i get spankings. It keeps me grounded and centered and focused on what my goal should be.
    That brings me up to my new thoughts. Lately Master and i have been trying to have a child and it's been crazy. Honestly, i think im starting to believe the doc about how it takes most couples about six months before they conceive. It would suck if it takes that long, but i guess there is not much you can do. A part of me is wondering if im doing okay with Him lately. There hasnt really been anything kinky done in a little while, but i think that is mostly my fault. At night i get sleepy and to do anything i get sleepy before we can. It's weird that i havent had like a bad bad spanking since the night i thought i screwed up and was crying my eyes out and Master gave me something to cry about. It was bad, but i wonder if im overdue for one. It's weird that i actually think its weird when i go without a spanking for a period of time. It's not that im hoping for one or wanting one really bad, but its almost like i need one in a way just to remind me and put me back into my place and soothe my frustrations. It helps calm me down i think. Part of me wonders what it'd be like to have Him use my handcuffs on me and give me the spanking i deserve. Crazy enough because either way im sure there is a lot of stuff i have gotten away with, but for now im just content with just being us. It's not up to me anymore but up to Master. He has kept me sane so far and im sure He knows when i will or wont need a spanking. My thoughts are happy to focus on trying for a baby because it sure does make things interesting....i wonder if Master and i would be able to try the challenge of having sex every night. Who knows but i think itll be a challenge the two of us can rise to and maybe even enjoy ;) ill have to get back on that one at the end of the month. If that doesnt work maybe another wive's tale to test??

2 comments:

  1. I kind of think that children choose their own time to come to us. Mine have been on their own schedule since conception lol.
    And those questions about being a mom? I truly believe that the only women who don't have them are the ones who turn out to be terrible parents.
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you! It's nice to know that im not the only one that has the questions about being a mom. I do believe that children come on their own schedule, its just hard when you want something so bad and having to wait on it.

    ReplyDelete