So last night was an interesting first for me and i think that it definitely deserves some insight to figure out why i acted like i did and why things went the way that they did. Last night Master gave me a spanking and it was one that i fully deserved for being as messed up as i was acting to Him earlier in the day.
He had pulled me over His knee last night and was giving me a spanking with His hand. For some reason a part of me fought it and i knew it was what i needed, but the stubborn side in me came out and i fought going over His lap so hard that He had to get me to lay down on the bed. It was then that things just kept going and i found the other side of me coming out that i have no idea who she was. It was like all i could think of was fighting to get away from Him and to ease the pain in my backside. My butt was stinging so badly and all i could think about was easing that pain. So honestly, it was the selfish side in me coming out that wanted to end this pain even though i knew i deserved whatever Master was willing to give me. He told me to lay still while He finished the spanking and that if i moved again i was going to get it with the hairbrush. Try as i could, it hurt so much and after a couple hits, i couldn't help but try to move away from the pain and seek some sort of comfort. All i could do was lay there and try to catch my breath from crying as i heard Master rummaging around in the bathroom.
Before long my answer was found in the sting of the hairbrush as it landed on my already stinging backside. What was supposed to be a regular spanking turned out to be this big fiasco and me getting the hairbrush was only the half of it. When the pain gets too unbearable, i tend to put my hands up in defense and even if Master is holding onto them i try to get them loose if possible. It may not take the sting out of the pain in my butt, but it is some mental thing that tells me it does a little bit. After a warning telling me not to put my hands up again, i did it anyway. (Ugh why haven't i learned already that no matter what He is going to get the hits in whether i defend myself or not). He then went and rummaged in the closet and by this point i was definitely working at catching my breath between great gasping sobs and occasional scream into the mattress from the sting of the pain. Master came back with a tie to bind my hands together so that i could no longer block where He was aiming. It hurt like hell the next few hits, but i definitely deserved it for not listening to Master.
He had me count out ten more hits that were spaced out. It was all i could do to count them out and i think i more gasped them out as i was trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with each hit. It hurt so much, but yet again i realize after the fact that i really did deserve every bit of the spanking He gave me because i had put myself into that situation to begin with. After the spanking, i found myself in the corner with my hands still bound. Standing there, tears streaming down my face, i realized that i had been such a bad lil one and that Master was only spanking me for what i deserved. My butt hurt so bad and i knew that i could reach it, but there was no way at this point that i was going to rub it at all to ease the pain. It would only make things worse and as His slave, i was only allowed to comfort myself once He told me that i could. So many thoughts ran through my head but the one thing was that i had let Master down by not taking my punishment gracefully like i should have as a good slave. Acting the way i had, not only let Him down but it also made me look like a fool.
Master let me out of the corner and all i could do was cry into His shoulder because i felt so overwhelmed and upset that i had reacted the way i had. Even when i had posted in the journal that i was ready for whatever He would give me, i had done the totally opposite so i felt like i had lied to Him too. It just hurt but to know that He loves me and forgives me is the most amazing thing in the world. He knows my every thought and it was as if He could read my mind because He pulled me close to Him and said that i was forgiven. Hearing those words give me so much peace and solace because it knows that all is okay again.
So this brings me to the big realization that it took me a day to realize. Last night with the spanking that i got from Master, despite knowing that i had let Him down and acted the way i did, i was still loved and forgiven for the wrongs that i had committed. It is an amazing feeling to know that no matter what happens, once the punishment is over that it is forgiven and everything is back to being like it never happened. To know that you are basically clean as can be. There is just so much love there and i love the way it feels knowing that all is forgiven and the love that Master has for me. The way He holds me and lets me know that all is forgiven and better is just a powerful thing to feel and know. It is weird to think that before i used to try and shy away from anything to do with the lifestyle, but after last night i feel that i am so grateful to be in this loving and amazing relationship like i am with Master. There is so much love and just the bond that the two of us have is so much better than the ones that my friends and their husbands or boyfriends have. It's crazy that most of my friends in the vanilla world complain about their husbands don't listen or they have a lot of rocky points where they don't talk or things are wrong, but i know that i am the luckiest girl in the world because of Master. He has listened to me, stood by me and been there through EVERYTHING, doesn't take any crap from me, loves me both when ive been heavy and when i was the thinnest that He knew me, just it is amazing seeing how deep our relationship is when most others today are barely skin deep.
He is an amazing Master and last night just reconfirmed it even though it was (in my opinion) one of the worst punishment spankings i have ever received since the time when Master had to punish me for causing Him to worry like He did when i was in training. Last night made me realize just how much He loves me and i only hope that i show Him the same amount of love as He showed me by correcting my behavior last night, no matter how hard i made it for Him. He has truly blessed me and i hope He will always know that.
Which on a side note, i forgot to post that Master and i were trying on our clothes the other morning and i have so far lost 2 pants sizes. With just changing what we were eating, i went from wearing a size 15/16 to a size 14. The next size down is a 12 which i fit into, but not the way i'd like to into them. It made me look like i had a muffin top, but at the same time i still fit into them without them feeling tight or feeling the button press into me when i was sitting down. Master laughed because i sent the picture of me fitting into the size 12 jeans to my mother and her reaction was that i shouldn't focus on the numbers but focus on what i was doing. To me, i love knowing how far i have come so far. To me, it is more discouraging for me to see a weight number than it is a pant size. To see me drop that much is an amazing feeling and i will not let anyone spoil it. The funny thing though is that my mother also told me that but yet she is the person who has never stuck with a diet plan and ridiculed me for taking the thought of gaining all the weight i could while i was pregnant to ensure that our baby was born at the most weight possible to give the baby the best fighting chance. Her snide remarks were that i wouldn't be able to lose the weight and that based on our family genetics once we gain weight we cant get rid of it and other things like that. To see me drop almost 2 pants sizes in the matter of a couple weeks is an amazing thing to me and the only person's opinion that matters anyways is the one of Master and myself. Although i think on that aspect He would say that the only opinion that matters would be mine, but i like knowing He likes what im doing too. :) He has chosen to stand by me and though i may not be the little thing that He first started dating, i know that i will get back to that weight. It may not be for a little while, but with a little work and determination i will get there. Until then, i plan on measuring my gains on the pants sizes that i lose and not focus on the number of my weight. If i focus on something more measurable, then weight isn't as much of an issue for me.
My ultimate goal though is to get down to a healthy weight of 125 for my height. When Master and i first met i was slightly overweight, but it wasn't an unhealthy type of overweight. Running, swimming, softball, walking, basically anything that was active was my way of losing weight. It has been a while since i have run since getting sick, but i know i will get back to that level. It is something that takes time and healing and it is not an overnight process like i was expecting in the past. So far Master and i have made changes in our eating habits and glad to say i have kicked the habit of having to have a dr.pepper or dr.thunder or some sort of cola drink, but i have NOT given up my sweet tea. As a southern girl, no matter what diet i go on that will NEVER happen. It just means i have to drink as much water as i do sweet tea. Anyways, now it is time to mix in a little working out and the weight should come off even faster. Master and i have a deal that if i get to my goal weight i can buy a whole new GA outfit and some shoes to go with it. :) It is a deal that i cant pass up and im glad that Master is here to do it with me as well. He is between His 38 and 36 size but i know that with a little more time that He will be fitting into His smaller pants just like i will be back down to my size 4 or 6 in no time. Ahhh life is good!!