Saturday, July 27, 2013

Up, down, roll around, upside down, emotions are a pain!

     So last night Master and i had an amazing experience together! Lately the two of us have been taking steps towards changing from a Master/submissive type relationship to a Master/slave relationship. It has definitely been a great change and there is still a good road ahead of us before things to even a normal point of us having a Master/slave relationship.
     In the past week, Master and i have done a lot of research into a Master/slave style relationship to see just how things will change before fully diving into it. To say it is a little change is an extreme understatement. Master loves it when i voice my opinions at times, but there are also times where i am supposed to be the obedient slave and know when to hold my tongue. It hasn't been easy for me because of my natural personality because of how i was raised, but i know that Master is up for the challenge of taming His wild girl. Speaking of which, i feel so horrible for Master after everything that has gone on this week because i think my emotions and feelings have gotten the better of me and how i was raised was really coming out. Growing up, i often had to guard myself against my family and how they treated me. There was a lot of hurt and mean things said and i have gotten so used to putting that guard up that it has been so hard to fully take it down for Master. He has worked so hard to chip away at it piece by piece and slowly it has come away, but there are times i notice that it comes back. He has even made comments that i have gotten irritated and frustrated with Him and said things i shouldn't have said. It is not me and i hate that this evil trait comes out in me when i know that Master has done nothing wrong.
     Sarcasm was a trait that was commonly used around my house so that i never knew what was going on and if something said was true or not because things were always laced with sarcasm. On top of that, i had to shield myself from being hurt all the time by the people who were supposed to love me and accept me for how i was. Growing up i was always not performing well enough for them or i couldn't do this because we didn't have the money (but we could always blow money on going out to eat or my parents would blow money on some gadget or gizmo that we didn't need). Then once i got into adult age, my parents kept telling me that they didn't feel i was performing well enough and it was all about my dad and the changes that he was going through. Everything became about him and i had to constantly bottle up how i felt about things because i didn't want to disappoint anyone and i was expected to always be this perfect little angel. So naturally with Master sometimes these walls come back up and i get this attitude where i have to defend myself and support myself. It was reconfirmed this afternoon when Master told me that He wasn't going anywhere. Hearing those words, i knew He had recognized that those too familiar walls were closing in that He had worked so hard to tear down.
     It is hard for me to communicate how i am feeling sometimes and i really am trying to communicate a lot better with Him. He has always been there and He has always told me to be honest with Him and ALWAYS wants to hear what i have to say and what im thinking. It is hard to erase things that happened all throughout my childhood, but i know that i can do it. He has supported me more than i ever had growing up and has turned the focus on me and how im feeling instead of on himself or someone else. Now that kind of sounds selfish or needy or whatever you want to call it, but it is about wanting things to be about me every once in a while instead of like the major times in my life where it was all about my dad and the issues that he was facing.
    One part of that is where Master has taken how i feel about being a slave and run with it full stride. Before i had confided in Him that i felt that He wasn't as interested in it as i was and that He wasn't researching and getting into things like i was. Turns out He was working on a surprise for me and was starting the list of tasks and the positions that He wanted me to learn. It was a welcome surprise and made me realize even more just how much i love Him. He even gave me a week to learn them and remember the positions, commands for the positions, and the new rules that He is implementing. There was a lot of research that went into this new change because both of us wanting to go into it knowing what we could find out about it all.
      There are 15 positions total, including the two punishment positions, and then having to learn the rules too. Most of the rules are common sense but there are a few new ones that i have to get to know. He also has a new toy that He has tried out a couple times on my butt and let's just say it stings something horrible! It is one of those wooden dowels that you can buy at the craft store and it is smaller which provides a huge sting! Not my best friend by any means, although i don't like getting spanked at all whether its with Master's hand or the stupid cane.
     So last night was an amazing night with Master. The start of it began with me pushing Master (not on purpose i might add) and pushing His hands away from me. He was trying to play with me and let's just say i was a little sensitive down there. For some reason its always been more sensitive since i met Master. He has definitely learned how to play it like a fiddle. He grabbed me and within minutes had me blindfolded and going through a couple of the positions that i was supposed to know. It was hard and i honestly didn't react as fast as i should have, but it will take some time i think. It is hard to reprogram myself to the new slave mode instead of submissive mode. It was the first time that He has had me go through a few of the positions and i got myself into even more trouble. He had me go into one position and as He was playing me like a fiddle, He told me not to move and sad to say i haven't quite learned how to not move yet. It cost me ten strikes with the cane and i had to count every single one of them out for Master. It hurt a good bit, not as bad as those 200 strikes i had when we first got together, but i understand why He did it. His slave needed correction because i had messed up and it needed to be fixed so that i learn not to move when He says not to move.
     Then Master began to fuck His pussy as fast and as hard as He could, making it clear that it was about Him. It was all i could do to hold myself up on my arms, ensuring that i held the punishment standing position for Him until i was told that i could move or He moved me to a new position. He then moved me over to the bed and began to fuck His pussy again as hard as possible and pulling my hair. Oh man did it feel good and i knew that it was mostly for His satisfaction and not about myself at all. He then switched from fucking His pussy to fucking His ass and oh my has it been a little bit since i have felt that sensation. It hurt a little bit going in, but it definitely was such a good kind of hurt feeling by that point. It was an amazing feeling and i felt so good afterwords. The part that pleased me was that during this training Master kept telling me that i was doing good and how i was such a good lil one. It made me feel amazing!
     So needless to say, last night was an amazing feeling for me because it made me realize my place to say the least and that is me definitely feeling like a slave. It also allowed me to experience the cane in a different perspective. So who's to say where things go from here and what other kind of fun Master and i will be having. He definitely is taking me to new places that i have never been before.
      A part of me is wanting to ask Master to forgive me for earlier today when i got frustrated with Him over a mistake that i made with an online application. He had nothing to do with it and all i could see was how He and the baby had pushed me to where i had to leave and not get the things done that i wanted to get done. It was misplaced frustration and anger and it sucked horribly knowing that i had gotten mad at Him when He had done nothing wrong at all. He was just trying to ensure that we all got fed and that the baby was taken care of and all i could see was that i couldn't get into an application anymore to apply for a job that i was thinking would help us out if i could get it. But how do you ask a Master to forgive you other than by writing it or just coming out and saying it? He reads this and i feel bad that sometimes this journal is the only place that i have the courage to say/ask for things but i feel like i can truly say what id like in here and not be afraid of being judged for it. Master knows i love Him so much and there will be one day where i can come out and say what im thinking/feeling to Him. Should i get a punishment spanking? Lose a privilege? Or whatever He can come up with as a way to apologize to Him? Well to me, i can only hope that He will take this apology and decide what He thinks is best for me and if i need a punishment or not for how i reacted to Him. He is such an amazing Master and i feel so blessed to have Him in my life and taking care of me. For now, i am headed to take care of the nighttime routine before the two of us head to bed and i study my slave book for the night. Either way i know that tonight will be another night of learning because Master has promised that we would start training at night and things have died back down for us. So who knows what adventure i will have tonight! :D

No comments:

Post a Comment