Tuesday, July 16, 2013

What the H#!$ is Going on with me?

    Today just seems to be one of those days that has left me reeling and just wishing that i could just curl back up in my own bed and go back to sleep until it is a new day. It has just been one thing after another and it has left me feeling highly overwhelmed and wholly unsubmissive in my feelings.
    Master and i are getting ready to start a new workout plan together. It has been a long time since i have used it and Master would like to lose some weight and i still need to lose the rest of the weight i gained when i first got sick. Needless to say im excited. The bad part is that we were supposed to start yesterday and it got put off because both of our backs were a little sore from the vacation we had just gotten back from. It was nice and relaxing vacation, but apparently we cant sleep comfortably on any bed but our own without coming back and having some sort of back issues. Then tonight it got pushed back because we didn't have the groceries to start it and He decided to push it back to tomorrow so that i could get the food that is going along with this workout plan. With the new rules, i am supposed to have the shopping list to Him the day before i go grocery shopping and i failed on that task today. Even though it was decided this morning about the meal plan, i still played around and spent too much time on the computer when i could have been planning the meals and getting a grocery list together. A part of me felt rushed to get it done, but i wanted it to be perfect so that this new workout plan with the meal plan will help get the results that both of us want to achieve.
     Lately it seems that there is so much responsibility on me at times that i feel like i just shut down and try to do nothing because i feel like im being the responsible one all the time. Now that sounds all wrong to me because in my head i know that i am not the only responsible one, but that is how i feel when im putting in all these job applications and trying to find a place to work and everything. It is not true though and i understand that. It is just a matter of getting my head and body to understand that this is a mutual agreement between Master and myself. It is easier to use my skill sets that i already have and the two of us are already planning on Master working to get some schooling done for His credentials back. It is just hard thinking that everything is on you and that the weight of this is a lot for me to deal with sometimes. He has ALWAYS told me that He is here for me and i believe it. Sometimes it is just hard for me to let Him know just how much i feel a burden like this is weighing on me. It makes me feel like a horrible sub that im thinking that i have to take on everything even though i know that He is right there with me too. He has a plan in motion and i may not know all the details, but i trust Him.
      On top of feeling like there is a mounting of responsibility, i feel guilty because we are staying with family and i haven't been able to find a job yet although it isn't for lack of trying. I have put in at least 30 applications to different places and heard back from maybe four. The hopeful thing is that i have heard back from one and i will be going into the next step here in the next month. It's just hard to think happy about this though because last time i made it to the second step only to be cut down because of something in my past. It is getting to the point of where im not too sure of where else i can apply to. If these places are turning me down because of a past event, who is to say these other jobs wont do the same thing. My mind is just crushed and preparing for the worst while not even hoping for the best at this point. A job is a necessity at this point because of having to care of ourselves. Granted, we could live off some money that ill be getting soon for about a month and a half, it still doesn't last long enough to pay the bills and for us to still have money for groceries. It's a harder situation though because we have a child and one of us is needing to stay home with her. The only job possibilities i have found are where i could be a nanny/babysitter and make $2-300 a week but that still leaves us a little short of being able to pay for bills at all. We could pay the bills, but we couldn't rent a place and would have to continue to live with family. This is not the ideal situation for us since more of Master's family will be moving up here and this living situation will get crowded at that point. It just adds pressure of finding a job so that we can get out of here and back on our own again.
     My head is just so crowded by all these thoughts that it makes hard to be the submissive that Master desires and deserves. It has honestly left me wondering if i really am a good submissive to Him. Do i really give Him everything He wants? How can He feel that i am being a good submissive when most of the time im hurting from whatever issue is going on abdominally and with my back acting up thanks to whatever is going on there (no set concrete diagnosis, just theories right now). When we got together, i was completely different than what i am now. Master collared and married a submissive who was physically fit and in shape, the right size for my height, didn't have any kind of health problems and now im overweight and definitely not in shape, way off my correct weight range for my height (im considered obese my drs standards), and have all kinds of health issues that affect me serving Him. He has had to cater to me and some of my health issues and it hurts when that happens because i know He would love to fuck me whenever He wants, but He has to pay attention to my moods and feelings and if im hurting or not. Now if its just a feeling of i don't want to right now, those are tossed aside, but hurting its not and He is so amazing. It has left me feeling like im not worth being His submissive because half the time i cant even give Him the basic needs of being able to use His submissive's body for His pleasure or get tasks done that most submissives can do with no problems at all. It hurts me to think about how much He has missed out over the past years because of what has been going on with me.
      On top of all this, my family has uncovered some things that have been going on that left me deeply hurting and just wondering about them anymore. Its like they put on a face for other people around them, but when its just us they act a different way. It's like i have been saying about my parents and nobody would believe me, but if the family knew how they were acting now and how a few others in the family were acting they would be appalled. Almost a year ago was when i lost a grandparent and it has been hard on me because of how it happened. Well this grandparents was divorced and their partner had gotten remarried and was living with their new partner since i could ever remember,. Well my parents and extended family on their side have been going to this grandparent and telling them that when they die, they want a specific item (some of them being antique weapon systems like a pearl handle colt 45 or plates with historical paintings on them). This grandparent feels that they don't have kids anymore and to be honest it hurts me and im the grandkid. How can someone be so cruel to someone who is still living and say that they are going to take things or want certain things after they die. A part of me wonders if it hurts so much because this grandparent is more like a parent to me because i was shipped off every year to visit with them as if i was a burden while i was out of school. Master was shocked when i was given my tacklebox to take home as a memory of all the fishing trips we took and my fishing pole. Inside the tackle box was a bunch of lures, hooks, line, and various other things that Master knows better than me. To my family this would have been worthless, but to me it reminds me of the summer that my grandparents took me and my siblings fishing and laughing at one of them who didn't want to bait their hook and all the fish we caught. They could have given me nothing for all that mattered, but it was harder for them to give me this knowing how the rest of my family has been acting. They are all hoping to get various things and i told them all i care about is the memories. Master and i want to do with our children what my grandparents did with me and show them all the love like i was shown growing up.
         On a good note....Master and i had a great session the other morning. He ended up teasing me and then blindfolded me. We have a Velcro spreader bar that He bought a while ago and He brought that out and put me in a pair of heels and underware that He liked. Then i got a few spankings and He played with my nipples before i was asked if that was what i wanted. The selfish part of me was in my head going yes, but my mouth popped out with the answer of "if it is what You want, Yes Sir." It is always hard for me to stand in the same spot while receiving a spanking and after a few hits with the hairbrush, i hit the floor. This didn't stop Master because i was still wide open and He put a few well placed hits on my cheeks and pussy/clit area. It was crazy the way it felt. He continued to merge the feelings of pleasure and pain and then i was grabbed by the hair and walked on all fours around the side of the bed and put into position to suck Master's cock as He desired. It was the weirdest feeling ever crawling on all fours like that with Him holding my hair, but in a way it also felt really good and i liked it because i could feel His control by how He led me and guided me. It was this moment that i was His to do with as He wanted and i was at His mercy. He had played with me and let me cum at least once that i remember (may have been just once) before putting me on my knees to suck and lick His cock. It was the first time that i was able to fully deep throat Him after a gag reflex was triggered and it was the weirdest, but most amazing feeling to feel Him hit the back of my throat and then go down a little bit. A part of me wonders if He noticed the difference because i never did get to ask Him that day. Whatever happened to lead up to that point, i have never been able to deep throat Master quite like that. It was just an amazing session and although He never fucked His pussy, i still felt very satisfied.
      That night we were supposed to have sex, but Master didn't want to hurt me further. It makes me sad when that happens because i know when He plans on having sex, but doesn't get to He ends up having to pleasure Himself which makes me feel like even less of a submissive. A part of me wonders if i need that everyday and maybe once we are alone at night after working out and when relaxing, if maybe i have to get into a position and wait to see what Master wants to do next. Maybe a dress code, such as one of His tshirts and a certain pair of underwear or something along those lines. This may be a bit much, especially since i identified as a submissive to Him but i also did explain that i have slave tendencies too. Its just hard because i don't want Master to feel like He has to micromanage me, but i guess its up to Him to figure things out after He reads this and sees how i have been feeling.
         The last part of this i just want to thank You Master for being there with me every step of the way. You have stuck with me despite my constantly changing moods, constantly present health issues (although hopefully that will change with our new diet plan and workout routine). You are amazing and don't complain, especially when i ask You to rub my back every night to help me get to sleep because it is hurting from whatever went on during the day and it makes it feel better. Your hands and rubbing of my back really do help make it feel better and ease the pain better than any medication that they have given me (if only it worked on the headaches and abdominal pain we would be golden lol). Please forgive me for not being that submissive lil one that You first met and fell in love with. Right now i am making a promise to You that i will do my best to get back to a healthy me in a healthy way and not because i think im fat or look ugly. This is for You and to get You back the lil one that seems to have been lost in the shuffle of life. Just know i love You always and forever and want to always be the lil one of Your dreams.

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