Wednesday, August 7, 2013

What is this im feeling?

   Oh wow my other half has decided to rear her ugly head again. Well more so just my ugly emotions but it has me wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Master and i can usually settle whatever is going on between the two of us, but right now that isn't the case and it has me writing trying to figure out why i feel the way im feeling right now.
    When i left for a job interview everything was just fine and peachy. Lately it seems that my emotions have gotten the best of me. Master and i are staying with family so im taking care of not just Him but our child and the other relative too. This relative is not knowledgeable on certain things and doesn't want to inconvenience us by eating our food, but we planned for ALL of us eating. Anyways, it has been hard having to adjust to living in someone else's house and not being able to do things the way that i want to be able to do them. Then there is the whole cleaning up after me (and that is one thing i hate is for people to clean up after me and not give me a chance to do it myself), doing things that i don't want to be done (and this relative is the type that i cant correct them because of the whole respect thing), and not to mention we don't really have our own privacy. Oh and if something happens with our dog we feel bad because it isnt our house that she is accidentally using the bathroom in. So add all that onto an already stressful situation and it is something bound to make anyone go nuts right?
     Then for some reason add into that the whole job situation. It has been so stressful trying to find a job and just getting back on our feet. Today i got news that i finally got a job and i was so happy that we would finally be able to celebrate! Well yeah i got told to think twice because Master is sick so neither one of us can go out to celebrate this big achievement. Don't get me wrong, i completely understand Master getting sick but it is very hard having to deal with something like this. It has left me feeling frustrated at the situation going on here.
      Hopefully i don't seem petty by what im writing, but then again that is why it is a journal for me and anybody reading it is just an added bonus, right? The whole situation is frustrating because of everything that has happened in the past. This is supposed to be a big achievement especially after i was getting turned down left and right for jobs that i should have easily gotten. To me, when i left to go to the interview Master seemed just fine and was capable enough of going out to grab some food. Well, when i told Him i got the job and asked if we could celebrate that was when He told me that He wasn't feeling good and had gotten dizzy while standing up a few minutes before. It shocked me and it left me feeling all kinds of emotions. It was hard trying to figure out how to deal with them.
       Master has always been the most amazing Master and husband for me and still is the best Master and husband to me. When im sick He lets me stay in bed and does everything for me, but it is hard when it is the other way around. He doesn't let me take care of Him and it is hard chasing after a child and taking care of a dog and just everything all at once. Believe me i can do it, but there are some days that i just struggle trying to take care of everything in this house and all four of us. So naturally i got frustrated because Master was sick and i wanted to celebrate, but its not at Him. My feelings are not directed at Him, but somehow they have come out that way.
      When i got home, i distanced myself because i was trying to put my emotions into check and He took it to mean that i was angry at Him and that i was upset with Him because He was sick. There was just no way to communicate this because how i was acting was completely different from what He knew. I had already communicated with a trusted friend, reaching out because i knew that these emotions weren't right and that i wasn't upset with Him so how could i fix it. But distancing myself to try and get these emotions in check was the worst thing for me to do. He took it as me being mad and it made things ten times worse. Now Master feels that im mad at Him about everything because i was just frustrated with everything going on and i don't know how to fix it.
       All i was doing was trying to protect Him and keep Him from thinking that i was upset with Him for being sick when He has no control over when He get sick. Instead i ended up doing worse damage and now i find myself looking for a way out of this situation. This whole thing has made me feel miserable because i screwed yet something else up. Something that was supposed to be a happy day is now overshadowed by my emotions because i couldn't get them in check before coming in the house. It is my fault for screwing up this amazing thing yet again. I can only hope that He will forgive me because i honestly never meant to hurt Him and was trying to figure out a way to fix myself so that i wouldn't come off upset at Him.

No comments:

Post a Comment